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by cristallodineve



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Disorder, Autism Spectrum, Child Abandonment, Coming of Age, Eating Disorders, Foster Care, Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Stalking, Teenagers, mention of drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cristallodineve/pseuds/cristallodineve
Summary: Nakamoto Yuta is the reliable big brother at the foster home, the shoulder everyone leans on, while Lee Taeyong is the handsome but problematic one that joined just recently. Between them, a magnetic force driving one towards the other. Supposed to be a spin-off of "How to Save a Life" series but could be read as a standalone. Enjoy~
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 122
Kudos: 181





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, it's me~ I was sorting through my old stuff lately, and I missed the How to Save a Life universe, so I decided to write this. It's NCT-focused, hope you won't mind :)
> 
> Just a warning. Please watch out for some description of an eating disorder, if you find it triggering, please feel free to skip some part or pick something else to read. Also, if you didn't read How to Save a Life first, some parts might be confusing for you, and even if the story might still be understandable, maybe you'll want to check that out first. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuta always thought that his life wasn’t that bad. Yes, his parents weren’t with him anymore. Yes, he didn’t grow up in a normal family, but in various foster homes. Some of them were good, some of them definitely not. Still, he couldn’t consider himself unlucky. A lot of people had it way worse. Nobody ever harassed or took advantage of him, and he grew up like an average boy, spending his high school days struggling with homework, Math lessons, dreadful PE competitions, just not in his family’s house. Sometimes, classmates or others teased him because of his fashion style, or because of his long hair, which he loved dyeing in different colors, but maybe because of Yuta’s personality, or because of his good sense in handling every situation, nobody ever crossed the line.

Yes, he considered himself lucky. Especially because the foster home where he currently lived was a nice place, and the other guests were a relatively small group with whom he got along well. He was the second oldest boy living there, and he liked being the younger ones’ older brother. It was a role even the educators in charge of the foster home acknowledged.

Do Kyungsoo had been in foster care during his youth as well, and then, as naturally as it could, he became the owner of The Nest. The Nest was the name he chose, along with his boyfriend Kim Kai, for the same place he used to live in when he was a student. When Minseok, the previous owner, wrote a book about foster care and became famous, he was asked to teach Psychology at a famous university. Kyungsoo, which meanwhile grew and got a degree in Social Studies, decided to run his foster “father”’s previous business. Yuta, along with other boys, was one of the first guests of the foster home, or The Nest, how Kyungsoo decided to call it.

A nest, a really sweet metaphor for a place you could consider your home even if you didn’t born there. For a place where you could find help, solace, or simply a calm environment after a stormy journey.

For many current guests of the foster home, in fact, The Nest was their second chance.

Yuta returned from school quite early, on that day. He left his shoes near the door and he got his slippers from the rack. He immediately noticed that one of the spare pairs, those used for visitors, was missing.

“Hello” he greeted, entering the common room. It was a fairly big space where the boys could chill and hang out together, watch movies or play games in their spare time. There was a big couch with a lot of pillows whose colors didn’t match, since every boy had its favorite and personally bought it during a trip at Ikea, a shelf full of boxed games, manga comics and just a few books, a big TV with a gaming station and a few empty bags of snacks scattered around. The one who discarded them on the floor was slouched on the couch, still munching on some cookies.

“Hello” he replied, handing some to Yuta with a cheeky smile. “Want a snack?”

“No, thanks. Is someone here?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Yup. DO is currently talking to a new guy, showing him around and stuff, I guess. I think you got a new roommate.”

“I know.”

Yuta wasn’t surprised. A few days before, Kyungsoo, who the boys affectionately called DO, anticipated to him that he needed him to help a new guest accommodate in the foster home.

Jungwoo scoffed and shoved another cookie in his mouth. “I would have loved to switch roommates. Johnny snores like a bear.”

Yuta smiled and ruffled Jungwoo’s hair. Actually, there was a precise reason why Kyungsoo asked him to take care of the new boy and didn’t entrust one of the younger ones for that task. Apparently, the newcomer had it really rough, before coming to The Nest, so rough that even Kyungsoo’s perpetually seraphic face darkened, when he asked Yuta for help. Since the educator didn’t share any other detail, Yuta chose not to ask further, believing that the new boy would tell him if he wanted to.

“Looks like you’ll need to bear with him for a little more. What’s the new friend’s name?”

Jungwoo mumbled something with his mouth full, swallowed then repeated it more clearly. “Taeyong. I’ve seen him when he arrived. He’s a tiny little thing. Looks younger than Haechan, but I don’t know, something in his face throws me off. Maybe he is older.”

Yuta nodded, sitting on the couch and hugging his pillow, a blue cylinder made of memory foam. “Where are the others?”

Jungwoo yawned. “Taeil is still at cram school with Johnny, Doyoung and Jaehyn had club activities, Mark and Haechan went to do grocery shopping with Kai.”

Yuta glanced at a board hanging onto the wall, where the boys signed their names and took turns in cleaning the common spaces, helping doing grocery shopping, cooking and setting the table for eating together. DO believed that taking responsibilities like that could be useful to establish a routine and help the boys find balance. In fact, not all of them adapted quickly to the foster home’s rules just as Yuta. Jungwoo himself, who was raised in various orphanages, didn’t even know how to load a laundry machine or use a rice cooker. DO and Kai patiently taught all of them, without paying attention to their fussing. The Nest worked so well because everyone helped each other, and everybody needed to understand that.

His musings were interrupted by Kyungsoo himself, who appeared on top of the old staircase and greeted him with a smile. “Jungwoo already told you, I guess. I showed Taeyong his bed, his closet and so on. Be kind to him, will you? He’s very scared.”

Yuta nodded. “Okay. I’ll get upstairs in one hour or so, I’ll leave him some time.”

Kyungsoo patted his shoulder, but he looked different from usual. Yuta thought that he looked shaken, and he wondered why. Did Taeyong’s reaction trouble the educator? He wondered how his new roommate looked, what was his temper, how he talked. He was curious to meet him, but at the same time he wasn’t sure he was ready to help him the was Kyungsoo asked him to. “I trust you” the educator told him previously, and Yuta didn’t want to disappoint him.

A rustling near the door distracted him, and the two youngest guests of The Nest, who were still minors, came in carrying some heavy bags. “So heavy” Haechan, the youngest, complained, and Yuta immediately raised to help him, while Jungwoo didn’t bother to and just flipped through the TV channels.

“Did you get my face masks?”

“Are you kidding me?” Haechan protested. “We were already tight on budget and Kai needed to buy meat. We’ll get it next time.”

Jungwoo mumbled something and pouted, hugging his own pillow. “Shouldn’t you wash that thing?” Haechan asked, looking disgusted.

“Why? It’s not dirty.”

“It’s grimy. I’m sure it’s full of germs.”

“I said it’s not dirty.”

“Whatever.”

“Come on, Haechan, let’s bring this stuff in the kitchen and put everything in the refrigerator.” He knew the reason why Jungwoo didn’t want to put his pillow in the laundry. DO personally sew it using the sweater that little Jungwoo wore the day he was found in the trash, ideally the only memory he still got of his old life. Jungwoo never hid the fact that he would have loved tracking the whereabouts of his family, one day. He just wasn’t ready yet, that was all, but you didn’t need to be a doctor to understand that the way he kept clinging to that pillow was highly symbolic.

Mark, Korean but born in Canada, came in and started putting everything in place. Yuta looked while the younger carefully aligned the bags of rice on the shelf putting them in order of expiration and being careful that they formed a perfectly straight line. When he raised his gaze, he noticed that Haechan was doing the same, and they exchanged a worried look. “Haechan and me will finish putting everything away” Yuta announced, trying to sound calm and reassuring. “Why don’t you join Jungwoo in the common room? We’ll bring you guys tea.”

Mark looked a little troubled by the request, but also somewhat relieved. He flashed a little smile and then rushed away.

“Is it getting bad again?” Yuta quietly asked Haechan. The younger was Mark’s roommate, and he knew him better than anyone else.

“I’m afraid so. Yesterday I heard him toss and turn for the whole night, and then I woke up finding him sitting by the closet. Apparently, all his socks needed to be organized and divided by length and color. At five in the morning.”

“Shit. Did you tell DO?”

“Yes. He asked me to keep an eye on him. If insomnia and obsession kick in again, he’ll need to see Minseok asap.”

Yuta sighed, filling the kettle in. Mark suffered of a very serious anxiety disorder, but they all believed that lately he was doing better.

“Tell Taeil and the others too, just in case.”

Haechan nodded, and then, all of a sudden, he hugged Yuta tight. The older smiled and patted the boy’s back.

“Aw. Don’t be like this. Everything will be fine.”

“Hm-hm.”

“And don’t cry. We’re all together in this, okay?”

Haechan let him go, straightened his back and wiped his eyes. “Okay.”

“Now go with the others. What kind of tea do you want?”

“Assam. Thank you, bro.”

Yuta playfully smacked him on his head while he went past the door. “Haechan, did you cry?” he heard Jungwoo ask, but Haechan’s reply got muffled by the clinking of the cups he arranged on a tray.

Yuta was like that. He never judged anyone. Yet, he was always ready to lend his shoulder to those that needed a hug, or a good cry.

After a little thinking, he took another cup, but left it on the counter instead of putting it on the tray. He poured the tea that Haechan asked and brought it to the boys, who were currently cuddling all together on the couch. “No cookies?” Jungwoo asked with a pout.

“You already had them.”

The other rolled his eyes, making Mark giggle, and Yuta felt strangely proud of that weird, little family of his. He truly loved all of his brothers. No matter if they could be loud, annoying and even a little overwhelming from time to time. They were all he had in that time of his life, and he was glad for that.

“Where are you going?” Haechan asked, noticing that Yuta put the empty tray on the table and was about to start climbing the stairs while holding a single cup in his hands.

Yuta shrugged. “I think Taeyong could use some warm tea.”

“Tell him to get downstairs, if he wants” Haechan offered. “It’s not fun to be alone when you are sad.”

Yuta pondered about those words, strangely philosophic for such a young boy. He held onto the handrail, since the tiles weren’t so stable, being careful not to spill anything. DO and Kai did their best to renovate and decorate The Nest for their guests, but it still was the half-ruined place where they grew. The walls sprouted in mold from time to time, floors looked outdated and with a few cracks here and there, even bathrooms and the kitchen needed a good upgrade, but Yuta didn’t mind it. That place had its story, its dignity, many people lived there. It just didn’t feel right crashing it down with a hammer just to make everything prettier.

The rooms were the boys slept where all placed along a rather dark corridor. Yuta tried switching on the light, but after a buzzing sound, nothing happened. He made a mental note to tell Kai later, but for the moment he just knocked on his own bedroom’s door.

Nobody replied from the inside, and he knocked again. Still nothing.

“Hello, may I come in? I’m your roommate. I brought something for you.”

Silence was the only answer he got, and that was when he started worrying. He still remembered very well when Doyoung, who was brought to The Nest in a hurry after a very traumatic experience, tried running away, refusing to trust any of them. DO himself said that Taeyong was very scared, didn’t he?

“I’m coming in, okay?” he said, before opening the door. The room was almost entirely dark, and just a slit of light was coming from underneath the shutter. He squinted, distinguishing a curled up frame on the bed next to his.

“Sorry. Were you sleeping?”

“No” a very small voice replied, and just from the sound of it Yuta could understand that Taeyong had been crying for the whole time.

“Okay, I am going to roll the shutter open, then. Just a little bit.”

He stumbled towards the window and let some light in. “My name is Yuta. I brought you something warm to drink. Do you need anything el--”

He stopped talking as soon as his eyes met Taeyong’s. _A tiny little thing_ , Jungwoo defined him, and even if Yuta rebelled against those words, his brain was struggling to find other adjectives suitable to describe the boy.

He never saw eyes like those before. So big, so black and so deep, in such a small, chiseled face. Uncommon traits, yet so powerful. Cheekbones as sharp as knives, thin, perfectly shaped brows, and heck, even his ears looked cute.

Taeyong was the most handsome boy he had ever seen in his whole life.

“Thanks” Taeyong murmured, shaking Yuta awake from his daydream.

Yuta stared like an idiot at the cup getting cooler in his hand, and then handed it, a little clumsily, to Taeyong. “I… sorry, I didn’t bring any sugar.”

“It’s okay, I didn’t want that” Taeyong said. He took the cup from Yuta’s hand, and when their fingers brushed together, the older felt that he was shaking. Yuta stared at him taking a small sip, and then, slowly, he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Hey” he whispered, “don’t worry about anything now. No matter how bad was before, nothing is going to happen to you here. It’s going to be fine.”

Taeyong didn’t look at him, while he gulped down. “It’s my first time being at a foster home” he admitted. Yuta could still see the partially dried tears on the boy’s cheeks. He had to fight the very stupid urge to wipe them away with his fingers. A part of him wanted to see a smile blooming on that face.

“At first it’s weird” Yuta agreed, “but then you get used to everything. And you start appreciating it.”

Taeyong suddenly raised his gaze and stared at him. Yuta found out that he couldn’t stand those eyes for too long. “Uhm, would you like meeting the others? They are watching TV downstairs. It’s just the younger ones, for now, since the rest are still at school.

Taeyong massaged his forehead. “I hope I won’t sound rude, but I am tired. Do you think they would feel offended if I just stayed here for now?”

Yuta tried persuading him. “Nobody will get offended, but maybe it would feel less lonely if you have some people around.”

“I won’t touch your stuff.”

“It’s not about that...”

“Just a couple hours. The educator said dinner is served at eight, and looks like I’m not allowed to skip it, so I’ll see the others, but just not now.”

Weird, Yuta thought. For what he remembered, DO allowed each of them to skip dinner on their first day at The Nest, probably not to overwhelm them with too many emotions. Such intransigence sounded strange, but then his gaze fell onto Taeyong’s hands, curled around the cup.

His fingers looked incredibly thin, almost… skeletal.

“Are you sure about that?”

It came totally unexpected. At those words, Taeyong suddenly snapped. “Then you really leave me no choice but to be rude to you” he blurted out. “I’m sorry, Yuta, but for now I don’t think I’m ready to face other people nagging at me, and on top of everything, other people maybe even more fucked up than me.”

Yuta blinked, blown away. Without looking at him, Taeyong put the still half-full cup on the nightstand. “Thank you for the tea.”

He didn’t add _now you can go_ , but his attitude clearly implied it. Yuta was confused. Was he supposed to just leave that unpolite guy all by himself?

He stood, looking around uneasily. Unless he already put his things in the closet, Taeyong only brought along a gym bag, which had been thrown on the floor by the door. Where was his school stuff, his books, and so on? It totally looked like he had been brought there in a hurry, packing only the essential.

Taeyong sneaked under the covers, turning his back to Yuta and balling up in a fetal position. He was completely silent, but Yuta was sure that, as soon as he left, he would have started crying again.

He probably was supposed to feel wronged for the rude words the other told him, but actually he only pitied him. And he had learned – the hard way – that responding to rudeness with other rudeness was petty and just plain counterproductive.

“Good. I’ll see you later, then. Have a good rest.”

Taeyong didn’t reply, and this time Yuta left for real.

He was still in the dark corridor when he heard the laughter and the happy chatting coming from the common room. It felt strangely relieving, as if the encounter with Taeyong was just an unpleasant parenthesis. While he walked towards the lights, Yuta wondered what Taeyong’s story was, what happened to him to make him so bitter and angry.

“So?” Haechan asked, propping up on his elbow as soon as he saw him. “How’s he?”

Yuta tried smiling as usual. “Tired. But he said he’ll join us for dinner.”

“Aw, that sucks. I would have loved meeting him now.”

“Let’s give him some time, okay?” Yuta playfully threw himself in the middle of the other younger boys, laughing when they all screamed in fake disdain and pretended to push him away. He loved his younger brothers and they were head over heels for him, especially Haechan.

Comfortably nestled among them, Yuta closed his eyes and sighed happily.

\---oOo---

As soon as the door closed, Taeyong felt better. That guy, Yuta, seemed kind and understanding, which would have been great, in normal circumstances. Sadly, that wasn’t a normal circumstance.

He squeezed out a few other tears from his eyes, but then even crying became too tiring, and he just laid there, feeling empty and numb.

And now, what was he supposed to do, now?

The last few days went through quickly and painfully slowly at the same time. Everything still passed through his mind like the scenes of a movie, and Taeyong couldn’t help but looking at them even if he already knew that brooding over those things would just end to make him more miserable. And that horrible place where they brought him! Not only it looked like it was about to collapse at any time, since everything was old and ruined, but it was even filled with other problematic kids. And problematic, probably, was a euphemism.

If he stilled, he could hear sounds coming from the belly of that dark house. Water swooshing down old and rusty pipes, faint creaks, even the ticking of the rain on the rooftop. And also, if he concentrated enough, other kind of sounds.

The clinking of pottery, since someone was probably setting up dinner already. High-pitched voices chatting, making noises, even screaming from time to time. People was having fun somewhere in that awful building, and he was just laying there in the darkness, waiting for something to happen.

But he wasn’t alone, of course. His faithful companion of the last few months refused to leave him, even in a moment like that.

Under the warm covers that smelled like fresh laundry, in fact, Taeyong was shivering, and his stomach was churning because of a tremendous hunger.

He loved and hated that feeling at the same time. It made him feel powerful, somehow in control, but at the same time it made him horribly weak, dizzy, and from time to time it totally ruled over him, making him act in ways he would have never imagined. Like when he snapped at his new roommate, before. Or when he screamed and tried resisting the kind educator which brought him there.

Taeyong wasn’t an idiot. He knew he couldn’t survive without eating, as well as he knew that he couldn’t keep living in the place he was before.

Regretfully, though, he had no idea about what he was supposed to do now, in that unknown house and with those unknown people. He was too scared to think straight.

He wanted to go home but he didn’t want to at the same time. He desperately wanted to put some food into his system, but at the same time he didn’t want to. He wanted someone to save him, but at the same time…

Apparently, some hours had passed. From under the partially open shutter, he could see just the lights coming from the street, since the sky now got completely dark. On the small nightstand near his new bed, there was the white cup that Yuta previously brought him.

Without thinking, Taeyong reached out and took it. The liquid inside was cool, but he sipped it nonetheless, feeling his insides twist at the sour flavor.

When he finally managed to convince him to get into his car, Do Kyungsoo, the educator that drove him to the foster home asked him when was the last time he ate solid food.

Taeyong didn’t remember. He actually spent the last few days locked at home, in his room, terrified at the thought of going out and meeting people. Not just him… every kind of people. Just people in general. People who stared, judged, laughed, whispered. Made innuendos. Mocked. Bullied. Or just, even worse, ignored and just passed by, totally uninterested.

Kyungsoo didn’t get mad at him for making a fuss. When he calmed down, he actually patted the back of his head and told him to be patient, that everything would eventually be fixed. He told him to get comfortable in his new room, and not to worry about anything. The only thing he wanted him to do, actually, was getting downstairs to have dinner and meet the other boys.

The mere thought of eating made Taeyong sweat. And meeting other people…

He rustled among the covers, searching for his phone, and he found it under the pillow. Only two minutes to eight.

Should he really go? What if he just stayed there? They wouldn’t beat him, right?

Right?

Someone knocked at the door, making him jump in fear.

“Who is it?” he screeched.

“It’s me” a quiet voice replied. “I mean, the one of before. Yuta. DO, erm, Kyungsoo asked me to show you the dining room.” A pause. “Will you come?”

Taeyong let out a sigh. He needed to calm down and ignore those delirious thoughts. And it totally looked like he had no choice but to go with that guy.

“Okay” he murmured. He slowly raised from the bed, fumbled while looking for the light switch, and when the darkness disappeared he found himself staring at his own reflection into a small mirror on the wall. He looked awful, skin tight on his bones like an old man, deep dark circles, puffy eyes. He tried fixing his hair with his fingers, but they were sticking to his forehead because of the pillow.

“You okay?”

“Sure. I’m putting on my shoes.”

Taeyong cautiously opened the door and looked outside. Yuta was standing in the corridor, and as soon as he saw him he smiled. Why did he smile so much? There was nothing funny.

“DO made beef stew in your honor, tonight” he announced, all giggly, and Taeyong actually felt nauseous at the mere thought. Meat. Oily, gross, greasy stuff, surely a gazillion of calories worth.

“Wow. He shouldn’t have to.” He guessed that DO was Do Kyungsoo, the educator. A very stupid nickname.

Yuta didn’t notice his distress. Or if he did, he ignored it. The corridor was dark, but Taeyong could see that there were many doors. Were they all bedrooms? Just how many people lived in that place?

“How many...” he started, voice trailing off.

“Other seven boys” Yuta explained. “Taeil is eighteen and is the oldest, while Haechan is the youngest. Whoops, sorry. Donghyuck. It’s his real name. He’s fifteen.”

Taeyong gritted his teeth. Those people really loved nicknames, didn’t they? He personally hated them. He thought they sounded childish.

“And you? How old are you?” he asked.

“Me? I’ll turn eighteen in two months. I am the second oldest.”

“Uhm.”

“What is it?”

“We are the same age then. I am seventeen too.”

“Oh.” Yuta stayed silent for a moment. “I thought… well, you look younger. But that’s cool.”

Taeyong internally screamed. “Are you Japanese?”

“Yes. From Osaka.”

“And what on Earth are you doing here?”

But Yuta didn’t hear him, since they entered a spacious room with a big wooden table. Seven teens were sitting around it, and Taeyong cringed noticing how they were loud and cheerful.

He didn’t belong there. He had nothing to say to those people…

“Here you are!” a tall guy approached them. “Taeyong, right? We were dying to get to know you. Come sit with us. I am Youngho, by the way, but you can call me Johnny.”

Taeyong tried blurting out a gruff reply, but that Johnny guy actually dragged him to an empty chair. Taeyong looked around worriedly. Three younger boys were sitting across the table, each of them staring at him curiously. “These are Haechan, Mark and Jungwoo.”

“Is Mark another nickname?” Taeyong asked, and when the younger boy stared at him, looking alarmed, he realized that the question sounded too rough. Shit, he kept messing up. “Well, since the educator is DO, you are Johnny and...”

Luckily enough, Johnny was a cheerful guy with a loud laughter that quickly wiped the tension away. “You already know Yuta, of course. The head of the table is Taeil, while these are Jaehyun and Doyoung.”

Taeyong glanced to those beside him, and his throat suddenly got narrow. The boy sitting next to him was very handsome.

“Hello” Jaehyun said, along with a little smile.

Well, that was the first ray of sunshine that Taeyong saw since he stepped a foot into that place. The one sitting next to Jaehyun, though, didn’t look friendly at all. He kept glaring at him with a scowl, and didn’t even attempt talking to him once.

“Dinner’s ready.” Taeyong stopped staring at Jaehyun like a maniac and focused on Kyungsoo and the other educator, another uncommonly pretty man who could have easily belonged in a teenage drama or a romcom, beckoning to the two youngest. Haechan and Mark hopped off their seats and joined the two, starting to hand bowls of rice to the others who were still sitting. Taeyong remembered that he saw a board with names somewhere in the house, did it perhaps mean that everyone was supposed to clean, cook and whatever, in that place?

For a moment, the thought of touching raw food made him so sick that he felt like throwing up.

“Guys, it’s meat!” Mark was basically jumping everywhere in excitement while distributing food. “DO, you really are the best cook!”

“Just be careful with the sauce” Taeil, the eldest of the group, suddenly said. Taeyong glanced at him. “Today was my turn in the kitchen and I’m not sure it’s entirely edible.”

“Oh my God!”

“Are we going to die?” Jungwoo asked, worried.

“Nope” Jaehyun quietly intervened, dipping a slice of beef in the sauce and bringing it to his mouth. “I was watching over him all the time.”

Jungwoo cried out in happiness and then started digging into the food.

“Jaehyun is the best cook among us” Yuta explained to Taeyong, who stared in utter confusion at the whole exchange. “We all take turns doing the dishes, making the table, cooking and cleaning the common spaces of the house, while everyone takes care of his own room, along with his roommate of course. It’s the foster home’s policy.”

“Hmm.” Taeyong wasn’t really paying attention to him. He was busy counting calories and trying to understand what kind of ingredients were in the sauce. It looked too oily, and he decided not to have it just in case. He also decided not to finish his rice, but the meat was fresh and succulent. He found himself enjoying it, even if a pang of guilt immediately ensued.

He shouldn’t have enjoyed it. Not at all.

He raised his gaze looking for water, and his eyes met Yuta’s ones. “Don’t you like it?” the Japanese boy asked.

Taeyong averted his gaze, pouring himself a big glass of water. “No, no. It’s just… I don’t know, my stomach is upset.”

“Was the travel long? Maybe it’s because of that.”

“No, I actually...”

“Let him live, Yuta. Don’t nag at him.” Taeil, the oldest, beamed at Taeyong. “He’s such a mom.”

Taeyong decided to keep silent, but he pushed the still half-full bowl away the same. It was weird, thinking that Jaehyun was the one who made it, with those beautiful hands of his.

That thought passed through his mind like an arrow, and just like an arrow immediately disappeared. But this time, Taeyong’s stomach churned in disgust.

Disgust aimed to nobody but himself.

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo and Kai took a seat among the boys, casually talking to them and helping themselves with the food. “It’s okay if you don’t feel like finishing the rice, Taeyong” Kyungsoo quietly said. “You had meat and that’s enough.”

Tears suddenly filled Taeyong’s eyes. Fuck. He was on the verge of crying, all while sitting at a table full of strangers staring at him.

Those words… nobody could know what words like those meant to him.

“Ah… today, while going to school, I saw a very weird thing” Yuta intervened. “You know that shop near the farmers’ market, the one who sells comics and figurines? Well, it said it was closed down.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!” Haechan cried out in disdain. “Where will I get my fix now? I’ll need to look for another shop!”

Everybody started asking Yuta for details, since they were all regular clients to the shop, who was run by an old man who knew that the boys were from a foster home and always made them a discount. Thanks to that, Taeyong gained some precious time to swallow back the lump in his throat and straighten his back.

When dinner was over, everyone had to gather the dishes he used and bring it to the sink, where Jungwoo and Johnny were supposed to wash everything. The two were already fooling around, splashing water around and battling with a kitchen towel, while none of the others seemed bothered by doing that simple but kind of unnecessary task.

Everyone looked relaxed and happy, while they headed towards the common room to spend some time together before bed. Kai, the younger educator, was already organizing a complicated game of mah-jong, a game Taeyong tried once and then had to drop immediately because he kept feeling lost.

He noticed that Yuta, who at first crashed on the sofa, was making signs towards him to invite him over, and he was about to make an excuse or something when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. It belonged to Jaehyun.

“Are you okay?” the brunette boy asked. “You look pale.”

Taeyong tried quickly thinking of something, but then Doyoung appeared in the door frame. “Jaehyun, come and pair up with me for the game. I won’t team up with Jungwoo again, that guy keeps messing up.”

“Okay” the other replied, before turning towards Taeyong with a soft smile. “What about coming with us? You don’t need to play, if you don’t feel like to.”

Taeyong nodded, feeling somewhat relieved. Jaehyun’s hand didn’t move from his shoulder, actually gently guiding him towards the common room. He sat on the edge of the sofa, and looked at the match.

The boys formed teams of two players and started laying out the pieces, organizing some sort of tournament. It was immediately clear that Jaehyun’s skills were good, because he quickly outsmarted everyone, winning one match after another. No wonder Doyoung insisted to be in his same team. The final match was Yuta and Haechan against Jaehyun and Doyoung, and the latter two won after laying out just a few combinations.

Sitting there, hugging his knees, Taeyong kept staring at those people. They weren’t bad, really. Probably they were just as unfortunate as him, and now, after staying in that place, they all got better. That might have been the reason why they all seemed to enjoy themselves and be happy on that night.

Taeyong wished to know what happened to each of them. Why were all there, far from their families? Did they all have it bad just like him, or… worse?

He had a hard time imagining something worse, to be honest.

“Okay, guys. Time for bed” Kyungsoo announced, coming back from a small room which probably was his office.

A choir of protests ensued, but everybody complied, gathering towards the stairs and heading for the bedrooms. Surprisingly enough, Taeyong noticed that the older boys sweetly bid goodnight to the younger ones.

“Are you sleepy, Taeyong?” Yuta beamed next to him, making way for their room. No door was locked, and Taeyong wondered if someone would steal or park his nose into his stuff. Then he suddenly remembered that he didn’t got the chance to bring much along, and his insides twisted again.

“Sort of.”

“Would you like me to bring you some herbal tea, or...”

“Listen, Yuta” Taeyong interrupted him, “I don’t need anything of that. I just had the worst day ever. I just want to crawl in bed and forget about everything, now.”

The Japanese boy stared at him, and Taeyong felt like shit. “I am sorry. I...”

“No, you are right. My bad. I acted annoying.”

They silently entered the room, and Yuta sat on his bed, scrolling through his cellphone. Great, Taeyong thought, I’ve just messed up with my own roommate. “You didn’t do anything wrong” he tried saying, “really, you’ve just been nice to me since the beginning. It’s just… it’s just...”

He took a shaky breath, and then let everything out.

“It’s just that everything happened so quickly. I was brought away from home like a thief, hidden in a van, heck, I didn’t even have the time to take my toothbrush. My mom was crying, my sister was crying, everyone was hysterical. It was so horrible, and nobody spoke clearly to me or explained what the fuck was going on. At first I thought Kyungsoo and Kai were bad people, and I tried resisting. I hate my home, but I didn’t want to come here either--”

He interrupted, gasping for air. He had been talking without breathing, so quickly that the words came out slurred and confused. And this time, the tears had fallen for real, thick, heavy, falling all over his face.

“I don’t want to stay here” Taeyong pitifully whined, covering his face with his hands and sobbing hard.

Yuta rose from the bed silently, approaching him without talking. Softly, avoiding to waste unnecessary words, he got a tissue from his nightstand and started wiping Taeyong’s face. So softly.

At first Taeyong flinched, annoyed, but then he realized that he was too tired to fight back, and he just let his arms fell in exhaustion.

Slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wanted to, Yuta hugged him gently. His body was warm, and Taeyong was tired, too tired.

He leaned his forehead on Yuta’s shoulder and sighed.

“Nobody will harm you here” the Japanese boy murmured, stroking Taeyong’s back. “I know it seems impossible now, but it will be clearer later. Just go to bed, Taeyong, and don’t worry about anything. You are not alone in this.”

Damn him, Taeyong thought, closing his eyes. How could he know what words did he need to hear the most?

He could still hear laughter, chatters and ruckus coming from the outside, while the other boys were preparing to sleep. Every room had a private bathroom, and Yuta let him go first, after lending him his spare toothbrush, a T-shirt and an old pair of shorts. Taeyong took a shower, and it strangely calmed him. He actually felt so relaxed that his knees were wobbling while he changed and prepared for bed. He avoided to look at himself in the mirror, since mirrors were always scary to him, instead he focused on Yuta’s clothes. They were old and kind of baggy on him, but they smelled nice and felt comfortable.

While Yuta washed up, Taeyong curled up in his new bed, waiting for the covers to warm him up. His roommate was quickly done, and he soon got out of the bathroom, surrounded by a cloud of soap scent.

“Goodnight” Yuta softly said, before switching off the light.

“Night” Taeyong replied, looking while the other crept under his own covers and turned his back to him.

A weird guy, he thought. What were the circumstances that brought him to The Nest?

Sooner than he knew, though, Taeyong was already asleep. For a few moments, he even dreamed about something pleasant.

And after that, the nightmares began.


	2. Two

Taeyong was walking along a dark corridor. It wasn’t an unfamiliar place, since it belonged to his school, but it looked strangely different. Kind of creepy, even. Taeyong could feel his own skin crawl at the thought of passing through all those shadows.

He still went on, though. His feet were moving slowly but steadily. Everything was silent, everything was dim. Where was everyone? There were no teachers nor students in sight.

He kept walking. He passed Chemistry Lab, the club activities rooms, even the nurse office. He walked and walked, turning quickly when he believed he heard a noise. His heart was beating fast, his palms were sweaty. He was so scared…

Then, he started hearing them. Whispers. He could hear countless voices whispering behind his back. He wasn’t alone, people was just hiding. Hiding and staring. Staring and whispering.

“What the fuck are you saying?” he shouted, walls echoing after his cry. Nobody replied, but the whispers were slowly turning into laughter.

Giggles. Mocking giggles.

Taeyong started running. The corridor was endless, no matter how long and how fast he ran, it seemed like bottomless. Infinite.

He ran and ran, until he trampled and fell.

Now the whispers were clearer.

“It’s him?”

“Yeah, it’s him.”

“The one on the video?”

“Most definitely. The one doing all _those things_.”

“Really? That’s so disgusting.”

Taeyong wanted to stand and run, but he couldn’t. Maybe he hurt himself while falling, or maybe he didn’t have any strength left.

“I didn’t do it willingly...” he tried justifying himself, speaking to nobody. “It’s not my fault. I was tricked into this...”

But the voices were laughing. “It didn’t look like that.”

“It totally seemed like he was having a good time, right?”

“I bet he did it for money.”

“But isn’t his family rich?”

“Greedy bitch.”

“So dirty.”

Taeyong screamed. “Shut up! I said it’s not my fault!”

“Greedy...”

“Dirty...”

“Liar...”

Taeyong screamed on top of his lungs. They were grabbing him, pinning him to the ground. He tried struggling, but his body was too weak to respond. “Let me go! Let me go!”

“Taeyong!” one of the voices called him. “Calm down, it’s just a dream! Open your eyes!”

Taeyong gasped for air, finding himself in a bed he didn’t know, in a room he couldn’t recognize and staring at a stranger’s face. He wanted to scream again, but just a small whine escaped from his lips.

“Shhh, it’s me. Yuta. Do you remember?”

Yuta. Yuta who?

Oh, right. The foster home. The Japanese roommate dude.

Yuta smiled in a reassuring way. “It was just a bad dream. You are safe. Nobody is hurting you.”

Relief emptied Taeyong of any energy. He could still feel the adrenaline running crazily through his system, but he couldn’t move. He was drained, and his whole body was drenched in sweat.

Someone knocked at the door. “Just give me a sec, okay?” Yuta gently told him, helping him lay again against his pillow. “I’ll be back immediately.”

Taeyong was left shivering, while the other boy went barefoot to open the door.

“What’s going on?” he heard someone asking. “We heard weird noises.”

“Nothing to worry about” Yuta replied with his soft and calm voice. “Taeyong had a nightmare, but now everything is okay.”

“It didn’t look like a common nightmare. More like a panic attack?”

“I say it’s okay.”

“Shouldn’t we call Kyungsoo?”

Taeyong closed his eyes and cocooned himself among the covers, avoiding to listen to the rest. Faithful to his words, Yuta was back in a short while. “Drink some water” the Japanese boy murmured. “Come on.”

Taeyong took the plastic cup he was handing him and spilled some on the bed. His hands were still trembling. “S-sorry. I must have waked everyone up.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Yuta actually helped him hold the cup to his lips. “Taeil just wanted to check if everything was fine. Just think of resting, now. It’s still two in the morning.”

Taeyong gulped down the water. It was fresh and it helped him feel better. “Thanks” he whispered.

“You are welcome. Just try laying down now, okay? I’ll turn off the light.”

“Okay.”

Taeyong laid down and tried his best to shut his eyes and his mind.

\---oOo---

Yuta was laying in his bed. He could still hear Taeyong moving from time to time, and his bed creaking. It was obvious that he couldn’t sleep and that he was tossing and turning. Or was he afraid of falling asleep and trying to stay awake on purpose? Actually, after that sudden awakening of before, Yuta himself wasn’t sleepy anymore.

His feelings towards the boy sharing a room with him were mixed. It was obvious that Taeyong was still scared and the foster home made him uneasy, but Yuta knew that Kyungsoo and Kai would have never brought there a kid in a hurry and without his consent if he wasn’t in great danger. What happened to Taeyong? And why nobody was speaking about it? Kyungsoo used to gather all the boys in the common room before any new member could come at The Nest to prepare them and plan a proper welcome together. Yuta, who was the one who had been there for the longest along with Taeil, still remembered well when Doyoung, Jaehyun, Jungwoo and the others arrived. How come Taeyong’s arrival had been different from all the others?

Also, he noticed that Taeyong barely touched any food the night before. And that he was so thin that he was swimming in the clothes he borrowed from him. Did he suffer from an eating disorder? Or was it just a coping strategy because of a huge trauma he endured?

Yuta didn’t know, but he was certain of a thing. He wouldn’t spend the whole night ignoring Taeyong’s obvious pain.

“Taeyong?” he tried calling.

He heard a change in the breathing of the other boy and the little noises coming from the old mattress stopped all of a sudden, but Taeyong kept silent.

“Would you like me to keep you company? Do you think that would be helpful?”

“Helpful?” A small, bitter laugh came from the darkness. “Did you really say that?”

Yuta sat on his bed but didn’t switch the lights on. “I mean, if you want to talk, I could listen. I don’t know if it might help you but...”

“No, it won’t help in the slightest” Taeyong cut him off. “You can do nothing. Nobody probably can. And don’t you have school tomorrow?”

Yuta tried being patient, even if the sleepiness and the irritation for Taeyong’s stubbornness were starting to get him. “I have school, yes. But I don’t think I should let you wriggle in your bed like a worm for the whole night without at least trying make you feel a little better.”

Silence. Taeyong didn’t reply.

Yuta was sorry, because he knew he shouldn’t have snapped at the other boy, but that was too much. Taeyong needed to understand that an attitude like that wouldn’t be of any use at The Nest. And the sooner he did, the better. Also, Yuta tried cheering himself up, if the roommate thing got seriously unbearable, he could always ask Kyungsoo to switch Taeil and him to babysit the new boy. The thought made him feel vaguely ashamed of himself, but well, didn’t Jungwoo do the same for Doyoung, when he came at the foster home a while before? After Kyungsoo decided to make Jaehyun and him roommates, everything got much better. Maybe, Taeyong and him just weren’t a good match, and that was all.

“How is school, here?”

“Uh?” Yuta had been spacing out for the whole time, and he didn’t hear Taeyong’s question.

“School. How is it?”

Yuta shrugged, forgetting that they were in the darkness and Taeyong couldn’t see him. “Average, I think. Just your average school. Some teachers are nice, some are not. There is a pretty cool festival in spring, though. Last year, Haechan participated in one of the competitions and won a prize for his singing. That was fun. Also, there are many club activities.” I sound like an advertiser, he thought, and he chuckled quietly to himself.

“I don’t know, but you don’t sound too fond of it.”

Yuta looked towards the other bed. In the almost complete darkness, he could barely distinguish the shapeless bundle that Taeyong was underneath the covers. And the sadness seeping through his muffled voice made his heart ache. “Well...” he started, trying to organize his messy thoughts. “I have had some trouble adapting, to be honest.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Nothing too serious.” Yuta paused, gulping down because his throat suddenly felt dry. “I greatly dislike every form of bullying and discrimination. That makes me very uncomfortable.”

Taeyong scoffed. “And who doesn’t dislike it?”

There was a tense edge in his words, though, that forced Yuta to elaborate his thoughts without paying attention to the provocation. “There was this bunch of girls, once, who targeted Jungwoo. They were envious of him and his good grades, and made up a story about him being the English teacher’s sugar baby. They teased him for a while, and one day they lured him in a storage room and locked him inside.”

Yuta clenched his fists. He could still remember well the moment he returned to the foster home, on that day, and found the others all dead worried because Jungwoo didn’t get back from school yet. Kyungsoo immediately left to go check with the school, and Taeil and him, being the oldest, decided to get there as well. Just like that, on a whim, getting out from the back door hoping that Kai wouldn’t notice. To get their brother back.

Yuta heard Jungwoo’s cries as soon as he approached the storage room, and ironically setting him free from his prison was the easiest thing to do, since his bullies even left the key in the lock. Kyungsoo and Kai scolded them for disobeying and getting to school without permission, but when they got back, they bought pizza for everyone.

It took a whole month to Jungwoo, to elaborate the shock of what happened. He was a sensitive and somehow even naive boy who genuinely believed that those girls didn’t have any bad intention towards him. Yuta and the others all took turns staying at home with him, ditching club activities and cram school just to make him feel less lonely. Little by little, Jungwoo became again the lively little thing that each of them loved to the bones. But to Yuta, he was never completely the same of before, as if that accident scarred him deeply.

“And you know what is the worst thing of all” Yuta went on, “his bullies were never identified, because he always refused to tell their names.”

Taeyong had been silent for the whole time. When Yuta stopped talking, he listened to the other’s breathing, and he noticed that it seemed deep and slow. Finally, his roommate fell asleep.

Yuta sighed. Falling asleep to such a bad bedtime story wasn’t a good sign. Maybe Taeyong was too used to stories like those to care, or maybe he found it uninteresting because he faced much worse.

Yuta didn’t know what to think, but he just hoped that they could get along a little better. In spite of his unpleasantness, for some weird reason, he would have liked knowing Taeyong better.

\---oOo---

The morning after, the alarm rang right at seven o’clock.

Taeyong turned away from the window, from where a little light could be seen, and stayed in bed while Yuta dragged himself towards the bathroom to wash up. He listened to the soothing noise of water falling in the shower, and he breathed in the scent of soap following Yuta when he got out, already fully dressed in his school uniform. To be honest, he appreciated that his roommate always avoided changing in front of him, he felt that they weren’t intimate enough for that.

He silently watched as Yuta fumbled around in the semi-darkness, avoiding to open the shutters. Yuta was tall, with long limbs and a slender frame. His hair was long, maybe a little too long, but it suited his handsome face.

He looked and acted like a decent guy, but Taeyong didn’t trust anyone. Not anymore.

“See you later” he blurted out, when Yuta grabbed his school bag and opened the door. The other froze, startled, and turned towards him.

“Yes, later” he said, and Taeyong could hear the smile in his voice even if he didn’t saw it clearly. That guy always smiled unnecessarily, but his smile was undeniably pretty.

Whatever.

The house started becoming livelier and livelier. Taeyong heard footsteps in the corridor, doors slamming closed, someone (maybe the guy called Doyoung) complaining loudly because nobody would let him borrow something, but then everything became gradually quieter while the boys went to have breakfast.

Taeyong let himself fall asleep for a few other hours, enjoying the silence and the warm bed. The mattress was a little creaky, but comfy. He quite liked it, to be honest.

When he decided to get up and go to the bathroom, he noticed that Yuta made his bed before leaving. He made it so clumsily, probably because he didn’t switch on the lights. Without thinking, he reached out and squared all the corners and crinkles on the sheets, and then made his own too.

As usual, he avoided looking at himself in the mirror, at his gaunt face, hollow cheeks.

He got dressed with the only clothes he managed to grab from his home before being driven away, a black T-shirt and a pair of gym pants. It wasn’t something that suited him, of course, but the pants were baggy enough to hid the shape of his legs and the shirt wasn’t too revealing either.

He cautiously pried the door open.

The corridor was empty, nobody was there. One of the doors of the bedrooms was open, and while passing Taeyong peeked inside from the doorframe. Inside, he could see an absolute mess: clothes piling everywhere, sticky notes on the walls, comic books and shoes carelessly abandoned on the floor. He tried understanding whose room was that, but he couldn’t.

While he went downstairs, he heard some buzzing, probably coming from the TV. Did someone else ditch school, on that day? The day before, while he drove him towards The Nest, Kyungsoo explained to Taeyong that he wouldn’t immediately begin attending the new school, because he needed to hand in some documents for his application first. To be honest, Taeyong was glad of that. He couldn’t stand the thought of starting anew, in another horrible school where everybody would stare at him, judging him from his face and body.

He unconsciously hugged himself, while those thoughts passed through his head.

“Are you cold?”

Taeyong turned, startled. From the couch, a slender frame emerged among the many pillows and waved at him. “Yo. I hope you slept well.”

“Quite well, yes. Uh… I can’t remember your name.”

“It’s Mark.”

“Oh, okay. Mark. Uhm… good morning.”

The other beamed. “Good morning!”

Kai, the hot educator, got out of the kitchen with an apron on and bid Taeyong good morning too. “There’s breakfast for you, I saved it or the others wouldn’t leave any.”

Taeyong paled at those words. He was so hungry that he felt weak on his knees, but the thought of introducing food in his body was enough to make him feel like crawl back into bed and stay there for the whole day.

“I don’t...” he started, but the educator insisted, kindly but also quite decisively.

“It’s just a cup of tea and a small portion of cereals. There’s also rice, if you prefer.”

Guessing that he had no choice, Taeyong sighed. “Okay.”

Kai didn’t lie. The portion of cereals was really small, and Taeyong ate it without feeling too guilty. Those looked like whole-wheat and they wouldn’t be many calories worth. That wouldn’t hurt a lot, would it? He wondered if the educator fed him that on purpose, being aware of his problem with food.

He was afraid that Mark would join him and watch him eat for the whole time, but thankfully the younger boy was watching some morning show laughing loudly from time to time all by himself. A weird little boy, Taeyong thought. Why didn’t he go to school on that day?

When he was done, he stood and started gathering the cups and spoon he used to bring them in the kitchen as he did the night before, but Kai preceded him and cleared the table. Before going, the educator casually patted Taeyong’s head. “Good boy.”

Taeyong didn’t know why, but those words made him feel warm inside.

“Kyungsoo went to talk to the school to get you accepted” Kai said. “Today you are free. If you need help with something, I’ll be around here doing chores, just don’t bother to ask me, okay? Mark will be your companion for today.”

“Okay. Thanks. How come he isn’t at school? Is he sick?” Beforehand, Taeyong noticed that Mark looked a little pale. Maybe he had a slight fever or something.

Kai pursed his lips. “Lately he isn’t feeling well. If you can, keep him some company, will you? But don’t feel forced. It’s okay if you just want to keep it easy, for today.”

Taeyong nodded. This educator looked more relaxed and easygoing, compared to Kyungsoo, who probably was the head of the foster home. For the moment, he liked Kai better.

“I’ll go check what he’s watching, then.”

“Okay, just tell me if you guys need something, okay?” Kai patted his head again, and Taeyong smirked.

Yes, he really liked him.

He slowly approached Mark, who scooted aside and happily made room for him on the couch. “Do you know this show? It’s so fun.”

Taeyong shook his head and started watching. It was some boring morning talk-show with celebrities and other people debating about gossip and other unimportant things. “Uhm...”

Mark didn’t loose his cool. “Let’s look for something else, then.”

He started flipping through the channels until he found a music show with video clips running non-stop. Taeyong was glad of that, and they started talking, casually at first, but more and more at ease while they grew accustomed with each other. Mark was fond of rap, and Taeyong too. They headbanged together to a BigBang’s song, and soon they were laughing like kids. They barely noticed when Kai discreetly put a dish of fresh fruit on the table, and Taeyong started helping himself without thinking. He ate a whole apple without thinking of calories even once, and he blinked in surprise when he realized that.

That was new. Definitely.

“Taeyong, can I show you my room?” Mark enthusiastically asked, and Taeyong agreed. It was the messy room he noticed before, which Mark shared with Haechan.

“Fuck. Haechan is so messy” Mark complained, kicking a pair of slippers away. “He never puts his stuff away.”

Taeyong sat on one of the two beds checking a few comic books he gathered on the floor. He was about to ask if he could perhaps borrow it, when he suddenly noticed that Mark was standing in the middle of the room, wide-eyed and with a fixed gaze. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Sure. Sure, sorry. I was thinking of something.”

Then, Mark started chatting about the manhwa that Taeyong was holding. The younger boy’s eyes kept drifting to the side, though, as if something was distracting him. Taeyong also noticed that he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying.

“Mark, is something wrong?” he finally asked. “You look...”

“Ah, no. It’s just all this mess. I can’t stand it.”

“Oh, okay.”

Taeyong pretending not to notice, when Mark all of a sudden started ignoring him and knelt on the floor, gathering up all the clothes and putting them in the laundry bin. Then he started tidying up the shoes and organized them in the lower part of the closet. Afterwards, he passed to the comic books, aligning them in a shelf. This time, Taeyong definitely couldn’t notice that Mark kept dropping them because his hands were shaking.

When he checked the other boy’s expression, he started getting scared. He was as pale as death, his eyes wide and unfocused.

Kai said to call him if he needed something, right? He stood, unsure of what to do. Would Mark get mad at him, if he called for the educator? But Mark was clearly in his own world, too engrossed in tidying up to pay attention to him. Still, the thought of leaving him alone made Taeyong terribly uneasy.

He was still debating with himself about what he should do, when he heard a choking sound. Mark was crying.

“Sorry” the younger boy sobbed, “oh, I’m so sorry. It’s this fucking… I can’t help it. When I see something messy, I feel suffocating and I need to fix everything. It’s so…” And he crumbled. Taeyong wouldn’t have known how to describe that scene with other words. The smiley boy of before was kneeling on the floor, crying madly with his mouth agape while desperately trying to stuff some comics in the lower shelves, unable to control himself and to stop.

What to do, Taeyong thought, what to do? Kai would know, he was sure of that. Kai seemed intelligent and understanding, and he knew Mark well, probably. Kai would know what to do, right?

But still, Taeyong didn’t have the heart to ditch Mark and leave, even if to ask for help.

He knelt on the floor next to the younger boy. “It’s okay, it’s okay” he tried saying, “breathe. Don’t feel sorry.”

“No, no” Mark moaned. “I was so happy when I saw that you were here too, I wanted to make a good impression on you, but then… I ruined everything...”

Taeyong’s heart skipped a beat. Mark was worried about _him_? Of what he would think of him?

Without thinking much, he took him in his arms. Mark was shaking hard, and he was almost as thin as him. “I am not thinking bad of you” he murmured. “You are cool.”

“Liar.”

“Shhh” Taeyong murmured, patting the boy’s bony back. “It’s okay. Breathe. Close your eyes.”

Mark took a shaky breath and started coughing. Taeyong kept drawing soothing circles on his back, trying to help him relax. Little by little, the panic attack subsided and Mark was left spent, boneless, in Taeyong’s embrace.

“Thanks” Mark whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Dummy. I said it’s alright.” And who was Taeyong to judge him? Anxiety crises and panic attacks were nothing to be ashamed for. He was about to tell him, when he sensed a presence behind them, and he turned towards the door, hoping that Kai heard something and went to check on them, but it wasn’t the educator, the one who appeared in the door frame.

It was Yuta, and he was staring at them with his eyes wide.


	3. Three

For a long moment, nobody spoke or moved. Then, behind Yuta’s back, Kai finally appeared and approached the two boys on the floor.

“Look at me, Mark” he said, his voice gentle and reassuring, “it’s okay. Easy, now. You’re going to be fine.”

Slowly and kind of reluctantly, Taeyong let the younger boy go while the educator patted him on his back, helping him to ease his breathing. The worse of the panic attack seemed to be over, but Mark still had trouble breathing and his tears kept running freely down his cheeks.

“Thank you, Taeyong” Kai said, handing Mark a bottle of water from whom the boy took a sip with a little difficulty, “you can go now, Mark and me will have a talk.”

Taeyong stood awkwardly, wondering if he was supposed to insist to stay or just obey without protesting. He liked Mark, who looked like a sweet little boy to him, and he felt sorry for him, but seeing his obvious pain was making him feel very uncomfortable. In a way, he actually felt glad to be given the permission to go.

“Okay” he murmured, before heading towards the door.

“Thanks” Mark croaked, still wheezing a little. “You have been kind to me.”

Those words made Taeyong feel strangely warm inside, but also icy cold a few seconds later. “Don’t worry” he awkwardly replied, before rushing in the corridor. Yuta was still there, leaning on the wall. He had been waiting for him, and Taeyong stiffened when he realized. It wasn’t a completely bad feeling, though.

“Are you okay?” the Japanese boy asked. Taeyong stared at him, surprised because he didn’t expect that question. He expected Yuta to ask about Mark, not about him.

“Sort of” he admitted. “Quite shaken. I didn’t know what to do.”

“You did well. You calmed him down, actually.”

You did well, Taeyong quietly repeated to himself, savoring the way those words resonated inside of him. How long since someone praised him for something? He couldn’t even remember.

“You see, Mark developed a very bad anxiety disorder. His family is quite rich, and they designated him as the heir of their fortune. He was trained since little to be the perfect son, you know? After a while, though, all the pressure of his family started damaging him, who at first showed some OCD tendencies, and then started having the first panic attacks. After a particular violent one, when he had to be resuscitated, the hospital signaled a case of psychological abuse. His family never accepted that he was transferred to The Nest, though. You know, Kyungsoo even got charged with kidnapping and inappropriate sequestration of a minor, and Mr Lee’s lawyers come here from time to time to try getting Mark back.”

Taeyong was genuinely puzzled. “This is horrible.”

“It is, right? Mark is still undergoing therapy with Minseok, the psychologist that owned this place before Kyungsoo. He seemed to start getting better lately, but Haechan recently told me that he started obsessively sorting and organizing things at the most random times again. I knew it was a bad sign.”

Taeyong nodded. He still remembered the way Mark shook in his arms, his slender frame feeling frail as if it was going to break at any time.

Then, he suddenly realized that it was still morning. Why wasn’t Yuta at school?

“How come you are here?”

He cringed, realizing that the question sounded too rude. Yuta looked at him with his bright eyes, and Taeyong opened his mouth, ready to apologize, but then the Japanese boy spoke.

“Kyungsoo came to pick me up. I wasn’t feeling well.”

Taeyong kept nervously staring at him, trying to guess the boy’s state of mind. He didn’t look troubled by his question. “Is it because I disturbed your sleep last night?” he asked, feeling guilty. He had been so selfish, keeping Yuta awake with his stupid chatters.

“Nope” Yuta smiled at him, probably in an attempt to cheer him up noticing his sour face. “It happens to me sometimes. Nothing to worry about.”

“Oh. Okay then.”

Taeyong didn’t quite understand, since Yuta seemed well and didn’t appear to be running a fever or a stomachache or anything, but he decided that it wasn’t his business. Maybe Yuta just wanted to ditch school, and school sucked, so it was perfectly normal to fake an illness. Or maybe he didn’t feel like talking about his personal issues with him, which was perfectly understandable as well.

If he was in his pants, probably Taeyong wouldn’t choose someone like himself to tell secrets.

Without really knowing what to do, the two boys headed for their shared bedroom. At first, Taeyong just sat on his bed, wriggling his toes inside of his socks, looking at Yuta who was taking some books out of his school bag.

“May I ask you a thing?”

The Japanese boy turned and smiled. “Of course.”

“Everybody keeps talking about this Minseok. Who is he?”

“He’s the psychologist who takes care of us and the founder of this place. He’s really an amazing person, you’ll like him too.”

Taeyong did his best to ignore the unpleasant twist of his stomach. Psychologists, therapists… he already knew them. And he didn’t like them at all.

Yuta sat on his bed, flipping through the pages of a Math book. “It’s different from all the others, I swear. You know, he adopted one of the boys that lived here once.”

“He did what?”

“It’s true. And another time he took a bullet to defend another one from death.”

Taeyong blinked. That was new. “Well, sounds like someone worth knowing, at least. Are you in therapy too?”

When he noticed the way Yuta almost dropped the pencil he was holding, Taeyong internally cursed. How come he kept messing with that guy? It was like rudeness oozed out of him when he was in Yuta’s company.

He didn’t dislike him, though, he realized with sudden clarity.

Not at all.

“Yes” the Japanese boy replied, getting his pencil back from the floor. “And Minseok claims that when I feel sick, just like today, it might be a psychosomatic reaction, since a not-so-hidden part of me is just not happy to be supposed to see him soon.”

Taeyong kept mum, staring at the other boy. He looked pensive, and his perpetual smile disappeared. When he didn’t smile, he looked like another person. Younger, maybe, and much more vulnerable.

He wanted to know what Yuta was doing there, in a foster home full of problematic boys.

“Do you… uhm, do you need something?” he gruffly asked.

Fuck, fuck. He kept messing up.

Yuta glanced at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

Taeyong’s cheeks, for some reason, were heating up. “You said it. You said you feel sick. So, uhm, I was wondering if… if you needed… uh… if you would have liked some tea or medicine or whatever. I could bring it to you.” He concluded the sentence almost stuttering, since he talked fast out of embarrassment. Not that he needed to be embarrassed, since Yuta seemed relaxed, but oh well. He just couldn’t talk properly to that guy.

Yuta’s bright smile made his grand reappearance. “That’s sweet of you. But no, thanks. I just feel a little nauseous.”

Taeyong brought a hand at his own stomach at those words, stroking it absentmindedly. The familiar feeling of hunger was blooming again inside of him, and he was starting to feel light-headed. He decided to lie down on the bed just in case, and to curl onto his side, facing Yuta. The Japanese boy watched him silently, playing idly with his pencil, but he avoided asking stupid questions and Taeyong appreciated that.

“Anyway. I think that even if today was my turn to see Minseok, Mark should see him first, don’t you agree?”

Taeyong frowned. “I hope he’s alright. Do you think I can go and check on him now?”

“Not now” Yuta calmly advised. “Later. When his attacks are so bad, he usually falls asleep and takes time to recover. I think he’ll join us for dinner.”

“Shit. Poor him.” Taeyong had no words to express his pity. He kept thinking of the cheerful boy with whom he watched TV on that morning and of the quivering person he held in his arms just a few minutes before. It seemed impossible, that it was the same individual. “I hope this Minseok will do some good to him.”

“He usually does” Yuta reassured him.

Silence ensued, during which Taeyong closed his eyes for a moment and enjoyed the peacefulness of the room, the soft noise of Yuta turning a page from time to time, the rhythm of his calm breath.

“You have been brave” Yuta suddenly said, startling Taeyong who was starting to fall asleep. “You stayed with him for the whole time. Other people would have run away, searching for help, instead you immediately understood what Mark needed the most.”

Taeyong looked at him, and their eyes met. Yuta’s pupils were dark and full of unspoken things. “It just… If I were in Mark’s pants, I’d have wanted that, I think.”

Yuta smiled, returning to his book. “And you guessed right.”

Taeyong didn’t reply. He stared at Yuta’s side profile for a while, slowly taking in his chiseled features, his shapely chin, his soft gaze. He fell asleep without realizing, and when he woke up he was alone in the bedroom. Yuta wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

He groggily rubbed his eyes, then checked the time. It was still morning. He wondered if Yuta went to see the psychologist in the end, or if he went to see Mark. He decided to venture outside just to make sure everyone was okay.

His stomach was rumbling in hunger, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to eat and let calories add up. He was sure his skin looked dull and grayish and his eye bags were darker than ever, but he couldn’t do anything to fix it. It was mandatory. Lately he even noticed that the comb collected way too much hair than usual, when he showered. His body was crying for help, but Taeyong didn’t want to listen to it.

There wasn’t a precise reason why he did that. He just felt that it somehow helped him to distract from all the inner turmoil of the last few days.

Still, walking felt like torture. His knees wobbled.

He quietly knocked on Mark’s door, but nobody replied. He tried opening the door and looking inside, but the room was empty. Where did everyone go?

He carefully descended the stairs, holding onto the handrail, and when he got in the common room he crashed onto the sofa, exhausted. His head was spinning and he felt fainting.

“Oh, here you are. I was going to wake you up. Could you help us make lunch?”

Taeyong opened his heavy eyes and saw a smiling Yuta sitting down beside him with a glass in his hands. “Here” the Japanese boy told him, handing him the glass, “I was going to bring you this.”

Taeyong smelled something fragrant and fresh, and he just gulped it down without questioning what it was. It was iced plain green tea, with a hint of mint. It was so good it almost made him cry.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?”

Taeyong gulped down the last drops of liquid. “No” he whispered. But he kind of meant yes.

And Yuta, miraculously, understood. “Okay. Just stay here, I’ll be back.”

Where the heck was he going? Taeyong followed him with his eyes, but he didn’t move. His limbs felt heavy like stone, his head empty.

He had a feeling that all that was left of him what that tremendous, overwhelming hunger.

“Here.”

Without thinking, Taeyong took what Yuta was handling him. It was a slice of apple, sticky because it had been dipped into something. He mechanically brought it to his mouth, chewing on it. Peanut butter. That first bite burst in his mouth like a bomb, and he almost cried when his taste buds registered all the subtle nuances of flavor.

“I have other pieces of apple, if you like it.”

Not trusting his voice enough, Taeyong just nodded. Yuta dipped another piece of fruit in a jar of peanut butter, then passed it to him. Taeyong just ate slowly, his head empty of any thought. It was his reptilian brain doing all the work, getting the nourishment he had been denying to himself so stubbornly.

When he felt a little better, Taeyong looked at Yuta, who was checking on him quite worriedly. “Thanks. I needed it.”

“I swear that you look less pale now” the other said, “your lips were almost blue. I got a little scared.”

Taeyong didn’t reply. He knew that starving himself was bad. But still, he wanted, no, he needed to do it. Because… what was the reason again? Not because he wanted to get thin, or because he didn’t like his body. He thought his body was average, as well as his face. Nothing too ugly, nothing too fancy. But still, he felt as if staying away from food was mandatory for him.

It was a very weird feeling. Something unexplainable. Avoiding food made him feel surer and more in control, but… no, he couldn’t find a proper reason why he decided to do that. It just… happened. After all that other shit.

Shit he absolutely didn’t want to think about.

“Lunch, you said?” he asked, hoping that Yuta wouldn’t ask any question.

He didn’t, thankfully. “Yup. Minseok is taking care of Mark, and he’ll stay for lunch. Kyungsoo asked me to get you to help, if you are okay with that.”

“I never cooked anything in my whole life.”

“Well, maybe you are a talented chef and you don’t even know” Yuta joked, standing and reaching out for him. Taeyong stared at his hand without understanding, but then he realized that Yuta wanted to help him stand.

That gesture moved him.

“Okay.”

He grabbed onto Yuta’s hand, which felt strong and warm, and he checked the stability of his feet. He still felt a little empty-headed, but nothing too bad, and he followed the other into the kitchen. Kyungsoo was already there, chopping vegetables on a cutting board.

“Here you are. Yuta, wash your hands and start rinsing the rice. Taeyong, wash your hands as well and prepare all the toppings. You fill find kimchi, pickles and other stuff in the fridge.”

“I think my hands are clean” Yuta protested, but Kyungsoo continued nagging at him until the boy sighed and shoved his hands under the running tap. Taeyong stifled a giggle while doing the same. He had a feeling that Yuta acted that way just to amuse him, and he liked that.

Yuta was cool.

Taeyong started working. He got the kimchi from a sealed container in the fridge and chopped it, laying the pieces in a bowl. He then did the same with radish, cucumber and perilla leaves pickles. The atmosphere was lively, because Yuta kept jokingly trying to irritate Kyungsoo, who acted strict on purpose. After a while, Mark appeared onto the door frame and immediately sneaked behind the educator, trying to steal some of the meat he was grilling in a skillet. Kyungsoo pretended to smack his hand, and everyone had a good laugh.

Another man peeked his head inside. “Oh hello Yuta. And this must be Taeyong, right?”

Taeyong bowed his head slightly, staring at the newcomer. He was nobody but Minseok, the famous psychologist founder of The Nest, and after introducing himself, he started chatting casually with Kyungsoo as if they were old acquaintances. After talking to him, Mark looked quite relaxed, and Taeyong decided that he couldn’t be a bad person. He was rather small and handsome, juvenile in appearance, but something in the way he talked let show a strong fiber and a sheer will.

When Kai, who went out to get some ice cream for dessert, returned, everyone gathered at a corner of the huge table and started enjoying the simple meal that Kyungsoo orchestrated. Taeyong served himself the smallest portion of meat he could, and thankfully enough nobody questioned him for not getting any rice. Minseok was relaxed and funny, and everyone talked about small things.

When lunch was over, the boys helped doing the dishes while the adults stayed at the table talking. Yuta was loading the dishwater, and he turned to Taeyong. “Any clue about the detergent? I can’t find it.”

“I don’t see it around” Taeyong replied. “I’ll ask Kai.”

He walked towards the common room, where Kai was sitting checking on his phone. “We can’t find any dishwater detergent.”

“It’s in the storage room next to the staircase” the educator replied. “I’ll get it in a sec.”

“Oh, no need, I’ll go and get it myself.”

Kai smiled at him. “Good boy.”

Taeyong happily strolled towards the storage room, went inside and checked all the labels until he found the tank of the detergent they needed. He was about to get back when he heard whispers, and he noticed that they were coming from Kyungsoo’s office.

He quietly approached the semi-closed door.

“What about Mark?” the educator was asking.

“He’s struggling” the psychologist replied. “Apparently, his father went to school and tried to get inside to take him back. Did you know about it?”

“Oh, fuck. No.”

“School security must have taken care of anything, then. We need to keep a close eye on him, I think. They could attempt to abduct him at any time.”

“I’ll make sure not to leave him alone even for a second.”

“And what about that new boy, Taeyong? He looks sweet.”

Taeyong stiffened, hearing Kyungsoo sigh loudly.

“I think he’s struggling too, in his own way.”

“He has issues with food, right?” Minseok asked, and even if his tone wasn’t pitying or derogatory, Taeyong felt his stomach churn. “And he shows the typical symptoms of PTSD, right?”

Kyungsoo hesitated before answering. “I think so. But he’s bright and sensitive. I think he just needs time to heal. I can already see that staying with the others is doing something good to him. The way he dealt with Mark before was very empathetic. I think he’s a very emotionally intelligent young man. I am sure he will get better soon.”

“Good. I’ll make sure to let him have some time to adjust before meeting him. And you know, I truly hope you are right. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea letting Yuta have a roommate yet.”

Taeyong blinked. What?

“I know. I definitely took a risk, making Taeyong room with Yuta. But you see… as soon as I met him, I knew that he maybe was the right one. The one that could match well with Yuta. Someone who needs friendship to heal but also has a lot to give in return, that kind of thing.”

“Kyungsoo… Yuta isn’t improving. You know that, right?”

“I know. I’m not blind.”

“All these little physical pains, lately… they really worry me a lot. He’s struggling too, but I think he’s not getting anywhere. He cannot find a way to deal with his sense of guilt, and this is damaging him.”

Kyungsoo kept mum.

“Kyungsoo. I am afraid that he might need some psychiatric help, if things don’t change. This is out of our reach.”

Taeyong couldn’t believe his own ears. What was Yuta’s problem? Yuta seemed a good guy… a kind one, at least.

What happened to him?

“I talked to a professor I know” Minseok went on, “a famous psychiatrist. He runs a clinic specialized in juvenile pathology… he might get the help he truly needs, there.”

“I won’t let anyone feed him medicines and keep him in a padded room” Kyungsoo hissed. “This is out of question.”

At those harsh words, Minseok didn’t insist. “You are really attached to him” he murmured, not in a pitiful way, but rather in an admiring tone. “And I can see why.”

“Kai had the same problem, back then” Kyungsoo stubbornly went on, “he’ll get better too. It was me, who helped Kai out of his misery. Why can’t someone do the same for Yuta?”

“I can see your point, Kyungsoo” Minseok quietly interrupted, “but it all depends on Yuta’s real will to be saved. Kai actually wanted to. But sadly, I am not sure it’s the same for him.”

Taeyong tried digesting those words, and then silence fell, he tried peeking through the slit formed by the semi-closed door. Minseok was hugging Kyungsoo tight, patting his back lightly. “You have all my support, my friend. I wholeheartedly understand your point of view. But we need to find a way to help that boy, before he loses himself completely.”

Taeyong tiptoed away, hoping that nobody saw or heard him. He felt confused and rather scared. Yuta wasn’t a dangerous guy, right? They talked about psychiatric problems… and what was that story about Kai who shared the same condition in his juvenile years? And why did Kyungsoo look so emotionally invested in that whole issue?

“I thought you got lost” Mark blurted out, when Taeyong was back with the tank.

Taeyong timidly stared at Yuta, who was busy mopping the kitchen’s floor. He was singing quietly to himself while working, looking happy and relaxed.

And intense sense of pity overwhelmed him.

“Er...”

“Yuta and me were talking about Jaeyun’s birthday present” Mark said.

Taeyong blinked. He completely forgot about the handsome brunette. Just thinking about his velvet-like gaze made the pit of his stomach melt. “Uh… Jaehyun’s birthday?”

“Yes. I’ll buy a T-shirt for him. Do you want to share, maybe?”

“Err, I’ll think about it.”

“Doyoung will buy a guitar. He’s been saving up for months.”

“Are they roommates?”

“Yes” Mark confirmed. “And Doyoung has the biggest crush on Jaehyun since forever.”

“He what?!”

“Careful, Mark” Yuta gently reproached him while rinsing the mop. “Not everybody is okay with this issue.”

“No, I… I don’t have any issue with boys liking each other, I think. Is… just… does Jaehyun know about it?”

Mark beamed. “He doesn’t. Our doe-eyed prince is stupid like a bag of rocks. I think Doyoung will confess when he’ll give him his present. What do you think, Yuta?”

“This is Doyoung’s business, you chatty brat” the Japanese boy said, playfully pushing the younger away. “Let’s see some TV before the others return. We’ll talk about this later.”

So, Taeyong found himself sitting between the other two on the couch, stiffly pretending to watch some useless afternoon show, trying to process all those news. From time to time, though, his eyes drifted towards Yuta, whose eyes, when nobody looked at him, looked dark and cloudy rather than serene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any clarification about what Kyungsoo and Minseok were talking about, you might want to check my previous fic How to Save a Life and in particular Kyungsoo and Kai's side story, Pianissimo. Everything about Yuta will be revealed later.


	4. Four

Yuta was with Minseok, in the little room that Kyungsoo kept for the sporadic meetings with social assistants, family members of The Nest’s guests or other special occasions. Individual therapy sessions were one of these.

“So, how have you been lately?”

Yuta looked at Minseok. He was an uncommonly handsome man, with a round face, almond-shaped eyes and an overall juvenile appearance. His gaze fell on the ring the man wore on his left hand, a simple wedding band without any decorations.

“Average, I guess.”

Minseok scribbled down something on the notebook he was holding on his lap. Yuta had stayed at The Nest for years, and he learned to understand the psychologist better than anyone. And he knew Minseok enough to be sure that he wasn’t pleased with his answer, even if he carefully tried to conceal his reaction.

“Good. I heard you have a roommate, now. He looks like a nice guy.”

Yuta shrugged. “I still have to know him well.”

Which was kind of true. Taeyong always elicited mixed feelings, in him. He was sweet and vulnerable, but Yuta wasn’t sure about to what extent the boy would let him get close. Taeyong looked like someone who was ready to bounce away in fear every time Yuta approached.

He wondered what happened to him to make him that way… but he also kind of didn’t.

After all, if Taeyong didn’t tell him, it must have been something not good to know. And Yuta strongly believed that reticence was a choice, and that every choice was supposed to be respected. Well, most of choices at least. Maybe.

“And how do you feel about having him around? With things like sharing a room, sharing a bathroom? Do you feel comfortable with that?”

Yuta sighed. There really wasn’t any proper reason to walk in circles like that and handle him with such caution, but he knew that Minseok was just trying to be kind to him, so he had no right to feel annoyed.

In a little, dark corner of his mind, though, he wondered what kind of monster those people thought he was.

And he felt really angry at them.

“No. He isn’t loud or annoying. He’s very discreet. He never raises his voice and he never acts intrusive.”

His words sounded dry, so he tried to make up for that adding some other details.

“He seems like a good person to me” he stated. “I think he endured a lot of bad things before coming here, which is why he still doesn’t trust anybody and thinks twice or thrice before talking, and when in doubt he just keeps silent because he’s afraid of facing judgment. I must admit I didn’t think much of him before I saw with my own eyes the way he dealt with Mark previously. I expected of him to just run away and seek for help. But instead… he stayed.”

Yuta fell silent. In the end, he spoke way more than he wished. But words just kept flowing out of his mouth.

“Don’t misunderstand me” he murmured. “I grew attached and I really love everyone, here. I don’t need to explain you why. But you see… I think Taeyong is similar to all of them, and at the same time really different.”

Minseok stared at him intensely. “What do you mean?”

Yuta shrugged again. “I don’t really know. Sometimes he looks like someone who needs protection, but then he suddenly shows an unexpected side that makes you feel really dumb for reaching out to him. Almost as if it should be the other way round.” Yuta scratched his head. “I’m sorry. I am rambling.”

“No, it’s fine. I actually understand what you wanted to say.” Minseok paused, writing down something on his notebook. “And how do you feel when you… to use your own wording… when you protect others? Does it make you feel good?”

Yuta wanted to shrug again, but he refrained to. “Not exactly good. More like, I think it’s my duty. You know, being one of the oldest and so on. The kids need an older brother who acts cool.”

He quietly chuckled to himself, and this time he noticed that Minseok failed to hide his worried gaze.

“Yuta” the psychologist said, “I know I am getting boring, saying the same thing over and over. But you know that you can rely on me, right? I am here to help you, not to make you feel worse.”

“I know. And I appreciate that.”

Minseok shook his head. “Yuta...”

“I really appreciate that” the Japanese boy repeated, in a decisive tone. “Can I go, now?”

The older man looked defeated. “Sure. You can.”

Yuta felt a little bad. Minseok was a good guy, and he had no reason to treat him bad.

But…

“Stay for lunch next time you come too” he said. “We had fun, cooking for you.”

Minseok smiled softly. “You did?”

“Yes.”

After they said goodbye to each other, Yuta walked into the corridor. He could hear noise coming from the common room, and felt exhausted just thinking of meeting the others. His therapy sessions drained him of any energy and he usually needed at least one hour of silence and solitude to collect himself and be ready to meet other people without snapping or feeling annoyed at every little thing. This time, though, he wondered if Taeyong was in the common room with all the others. He hoped he wasn’t, and that he was in their shared bedroom.

To be honest, he was quite surprised with himself. When Kyungsoo suggested that Yuta himself could be the new boy’s roommate, one night at dinner, Yuta couldn’t help but feeling anxious. He didn’t have the heart to refuse though, since Kyungsoo looked so hopeful.

Well, if his new roommate was someone loud and messy, like Haechan, or hopelessly chatty, like Jungwoo, probably Yuta would have disliked it. But Taeyong was quiet and polite, very clean also, and he didn’t mind having him around.

Kinda.

He peeked in the common room, just to be sure. And when he spotted Taeyong, something weird happened to his guts.

Taeyong was sitting at the table, wearing an old T-shirt and pair of yoga pants definitely too baggy for his slim figure, maybe something he borrowed from one of the others, since his luggage had still to be delivered. He was listening to Jaehyun talking, and even if Yuta couldn’t hear anything from where he was, he could definitely see that Taeyong was staring at the handsome brunette with an expression on his face that made him feel hot and cold inside at the same time.

It was probably nothing, but Yuta felt very weird, when he saw Taeyong behaving that way. Not that he had any right to, since Taeyong was just his roommate, and he had met him just a couple days before. But still, that unpleasant feeling was there. And it was so very real.

Yuta left silently.

Suddenly, he didn’t need to be with his brothers anymore.

He needed to be alone.

Even if, when he was by himself, demons would come to haunt him.

\---oOo---

Jaehyun was cool.

Taeyong liked him. He was talkative, friendly and he listened well, with his head tilted to the side and his chin resting on his elegant hand. Taeyong couldn’t stop staring at him like a fool. He had never seen someone so handsome and smart at the same time. He was definitely enjoying himself, and he felt on seventh heaven when Jaehyun suggested him to come play basketball with him, Doyoung and Haechan.

Of course, Taeyong accepted. Too late, just when he reached the basketball court with the others, he remembered that he never was good at sports, and that he didn’t have a spare change of clothes.

“So” Doyoung said, making the ball bounce in a rather aggressive way, “Jaehyun and me against you and Bones?”

It took a second or two to Taeyong to realize that the boy wasn’t talking to him but to Haechan.

“Don’t call him like that. Also, wouldn’t it be fairer if he teams up with Jaehyun or you? Otherwise, the teams won’t be balanced.”

Taeyong could practically see Doyoung’s anger forming a black cloud surrounding him. He had no idea why, but the tall boy didn’t like him.

Also, that nickname he used for him.

It hurt.

“As you wish. Bones, you play with me.”

“Why are you being a bitch, Doyoung?” Haechan retorted. “What’s wrong with you?”

Taeyong looked at Jaehyun. While that unpleasant exchange was happening, he was a couple meters away stretching his legs, totally unaware.

Taeyong felt really, really stupid.

“You know, uhm. I think I’ll get back. I… I have stuff to do.”

Doyoung snorted. “Chickening out already, Bones?”

Taeyong closed his eyes.

Fuck.

He felt Haechan whispering something in a hurried voice. Maybe the younger was reproaching the other for acting rude, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to go.

But go where? Home? His own home, with his family? A part of him wanted that.

But another part of him screamed no, no, no.

Because people was there, ready to mock and judge and whisper behind his back…

He suddenly realized why Doyoung made him uncomfortable, and why he never tried speaking to him if he could avoid that. Doyoung was handsome, arrogant and sure of himself, just like _them_. Even in that moment, Doyoung wore an expensive designer tank top and loose shorts, along with matching shoes. Taeyong was wearing a pair of pants that he borrowed from Mark and the same T-shirt that Yuta gave him previously.

No wonder the other made fun of him. He must have looked obnoxious.

Jaehyun joined them. “So, Doyoung and me against Taeyong and Haechannie?”

Taeyong felt like throwing up, but he was actually trapped in that awful situation.

“Sure” Doyoung sneered.

“For me it’s fine, if Taeyong is okay with that” Haechan carefully stated.

“I’m not good at basketball” Taeyong muttered, “but I’ll try.”

“You are not compelled to do anything if you don’t want to” the younger whispered to him while the other two warmed up. “Doyoung is jealous of anyone that get close to Jaehyun. He’s not a bad guy though, I swear. He’s just… possessive, I think. And he can be a fucking bitch if he wants to.”

“Whatever” Taeyong murmured, “it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay” Haechan grumbled. “I don’t understand why Jaehyun never tells him to cut it out. I can’t tell if he genuinely doesn’t realize or if he loves the attention. It pisses me off.”

“I said it’s fine” Taeyong repeated, worried. Things were getting heated, and he didn’t like it. Haechan was right, though. While Doyoung kept staring at him with eyes that could kill, Jaehyun kept jogging around wearing his usual, seraphic expression.

The game started. Taeyong found himself running behind the ball, unable to keep the other’s pace. They were all strong and healthy, while he felt weaker than usual. His head started spinning in no time, and he started feeling bad for the poor Haechan, who had to defend all by himself. Doyoung scored in no time, and Jaehyun placed a three-pointer like it was a piece of cake.

Taeyong’s world was trembling, as if he was looking at it through a campfire’s flame.

“Taeyong, are you okay?” Haechan joined him, worried. “You look pale.”

Taeyong heard Doyoung scoffing, and he straightened his back. “No, it’s okay. I was distracted, sorry. I’ll try doing better.”

“There’s no need” Haechan replied, confused. “It’s just an unimportant match. We usually come here to play… I don’t understand, it never gets this tense.”

The younger boy actually wanted to help, but for Taeyong his words hurt like knives.

What Haechan’s words implied, actually, was that it was all Taeyong’s fault, if their usual little game got ruined.

“I… I think I’ll just go home. I don’t feel that well.”

“Then why coming in the first place?” Doyoung hissed, but in a perfectly audible way. Taeyong got up and bowed in spite of his wobbly legs.

“Sorry. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” Jaehyun intervened, but while talking he was scrolling on his phone. Uninterested.

Taeyong felt his stomach twist.

Fool. He was such a fool.

“I’ll get home with you” Haechan decided. “You seriously don’t look too well. And you, I hope you’ll get yourself together and apologize” he added, talking to Doyoung, who just snorted and looked away.

“As if. I did nothing. Or maybe the babies got scared of the big tough guys?”

Haechan grabbed Taeyong’s elbow and dragged him away. While they went, Taeyong believed to hear Jaehyun asking Doyoung why the others left that soon, but he couldn’t be sure if it was just his imagination.

“I am so sorry, Taeyong” Haechan kept telling him. “Doyoung isn’t a bad guy. But today he was too much.”

“Well, he must have his reasons.”

Haechan sighed. “There’s an ice-cream parlor not far from here. It’s my treat, okay?”

Taeyong tried weakly protesting, but the younger was too adamant and they ended up entering the shop. Taeyong stared terrified at the bright colors of the fluffy peaks of ice-cream until he realized that the vendor was looking at him perplexed, and he made his order.

0% yogurt with fresh blueberries as topping. It was the least caloric thing he could find, but the portion looked enormous.

“The thing is, Doyoung is hopelessly in love with Jaehyun since he came at The Nest” Haechan revealed while he happily wolfed down a bowl the size of a bucket. “His story is quite sad, I think. He comes from a good family, his parents have money and he was a real party guy before. You know, the pretty and sporty kind. He had a tiny little flaw, though. After a while, he started doing drugs.”

“Drugs?” Taeyong repeated.

“Yes. Cocaine, I think. He came here straight from rehab, he looked like a wild animal. Kyungsoo had to watch him 24/7 because he perpetually tried running away and meeting dealers outside.”

“Fuck.”

“Yup. He suddenly started getting better only when Jaehyun arrived. Kyungsoo didn’t want to let them be roommates because he was afraid that Doyoung could be unpleasant to the newcomer, but everything magically settled down. It was like Doyoung was struck from lightning when he saw Jaehyun for the first time. None of us ever suspected that he liked guys, before. To try and get Jaehyun to notice him, he stopped seeking for drugs and he became friendlier to everybody. It was like love made him better. Why aren’t you eating? It’s melting.”

Taeyong stared at the semi-liquid mass dripping on the table in front of him. “Now I understand Doyoung’s reaction” he admitted.

“Are you kidding? It’s not like Jaehyun belongs to him. He can’t go nuts if someone gets close to him. I truly hope he will apologize to you, later. He’s been unfair… and offensive, also.”

“Oh, it’s alright.”

“No, it’s not” Haechan insisted. “Please, Taeyong, eat that ice-cream. He didn’t mean to make fun of you. He was just…”

Taeyong looked at that boy, who couldn’t find the words to defend his older friend whom he loved in spite of everything, and in a little corner of his heart he thought that Haechan really had a golden heart, in spite of being that young.

“I said don’t worry. I guess I am not that hungry right now.”

Haechan looked into his eyes, and Taeyong felt his heart drop, because he knew what question was coming next.

“Taeyong, do you have an eating disorder? Is that why you came to the foster home?”

Taeyong closed his eyes.

And here it was. The dreaded question.

“I am afraid so. At my old school, bullies targeted me, and without even realizing fully, I started eating less and less until I sort of stopped. My parents couldn’t find a way to help me, so the social assistants suggested to bring me here.”

Which was almost the truth.

Almost.

Haechan sighed. “Sorry” he said, throwing away Taeyong’s sticky and gooey cup and starting cleaning up the table with a wet wipe, “I shouldn’t have brought you here. I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay” Taeyong mechanically replied. He lost count of how many times he repeated those words on that day.

“I am so clumsy” Haechan whispered, and with a quick gesture he wiped a lonely tear that fell from his left eye. Taeyong pretended not to notice to respect Haechan’s uneasiness.

“And you?” he asked, hoping that changing topic could help things get better. “What brought you to The Nest?”

“Me? Oh, I am an orphan.”

“Oh, no.”

“Yes. Jungwoo and me were in the same orphanage before. And it wasn’t a nice place, I swear. The Nest is Heaven, compared to that.”

“So, you guys are still up for adoption, since you both are still minors?”

Haechan shrugged. “Exactly. Jungwoo doesn’t want to be adopted in a random family. He is an idealist. He’s sure that his real mother is still somewhere looking for him, and that she didn’t abandon him willingly. While I think it will be nice having a family, even if my younger years are already gone.”

Taeyong looked at that teenager speaking like an old man, and he sympathized with him. “Would it be a weird thing, if I hug you in this public place full of couples and kids?”

Haechan finally smiled big, and he gladly accepted the hug.

“You really are a good guy, Donghyuck” Taeyong whispered in his ear. “Those who will adopt you will be blessed.”

Haechan’s eyes were full of tears. “Fuck” he complained. “Wasn’t I the one supposed to comfort you? What the fuck happened?”

Taeyong giggled.

When they got back, they found a very grumpy Doyoung sitting awkwardly on the couch. “Shouldn’t you say something, Doyoung?” Kai asked from the table.

“Well, fuck. Since Kyungsoo and Kai scolded me for being rude to you, then here you are. I am sorry.”

“I can’t hear you” Kai sing-sang while sorting out documents with a smug face.

“I am sorry!” Doyoung almost screamed.

“It’s okay” Taeyong said, worried that forced apology would only make things worse, but then Doyoung spoke.

“Listen, I am really sorry, okay? You did nothing bad. But when Jaehyun is involved, I...”

Taeyong looked around. Jaehyun was nowhere to be seen, probably in his room showering or whatever, and suddenly the handsome and cool Doyoung didn’t look intimidating, but just hopelessly pathetic.

“I said it’s fine” he said.

“And sorry for making fun of your weight” Doyoung added. “I shouldn’t have. Do you… err, do you feel somewhat better since you came here?”

An interesting choice of words, Taeyong thought. But he appreciated the effort, even if he could just reply with a lie.

“Better, yes. I think I’ll go showering, now.”

“Your luggage is finally here, Taeyong” Kai intervened. “I brought it in your room.”

Taeyong smiled bitterly, picturing his mother packing away his best clothes and crying all her tears while doing that.

Doyoung beckoned at him, too proud to apologize again but looking sad and beaten. If he wasn’t afraid that he could push him away, Taeyong could have hugged him too.

When he got back in his room, he saw that Yuta was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling.

“Hey” he greeted him, but the Japanese boy didn’t answer. “Is it okay if I shower?”

“Yep. Your suitcases are there.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Taeyong didn’t notice the way Yuta kept his hands tightly clasped on his belly to hide their trembling.


	5. Five

Taeyong was looking at his reflection in the narrow mirror in his and Yuta’s room.

“Wait.”

Taeyong turned, startled because he didn’t hear Yuta coming close, but he managed not to flinch when the Japanese boy fixed the messy knot of his tie. Taeyong was unfamiliar with the uniform of his new school, and of course it didn’t suit him at all. Not that any clothes would ever compliment his scrawny figure, but the white shirt looked way too boxy around his tiny torso, and the trousers… oh, he hated them.

“Don’t be like this. You’ll be in Doyoung’s class, you won’t be by yourself.”

Which was kinda funny, Taeyong bitterly mused. Doyoung, of all people. Why not Yuta? Or Johnny? After that basketball match, Doyoung had been trying his damnest to avoid him, and when he really couldn’t, like at dinner, he awkwardly tried being nice to him, probably to impress Jaehyun or to show off to the educators. Or maybe he was genuinely trying to make amends for his unpleasantness and Taeyong was misunderstanding everything? Still, Taeyong felt uneasy having him around.

“Why can’t I be in your class instead?”

“Apparently it’s not possible. It would have been nice, though.”

“Can we at least have lunch together?”

“Taeyong. Your classmates aren’t going to bite you. Calm down.”

Yuta was fixing Taeyong’s hair with a tiny dab of pomade. “Here. You look good like this. You’ll see, all the girls will start flirting in no time.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. These clothes...”

“Yeah?”

Taeyong didn’t know how to tell the other without sounding hopelessly pathetic. “These clothes are… too big.”

Yuta unbuttoned Taeyong’s collar and loosened up the tie’s knot. “Don’t worry. I’ll ask for a smaller size. What are you wearing?”

Taeyong perfectly knew that he was already wearing the smallest available, and he felt like crying. Yuta didn’t lose his cool and patted his back in a comforting way. “I’ll think of something, okay? Don’t be like this. Smile. It helps, on first days.”

“Was it the same for you? When you came from Japan?”

In that moment, Taeyong realized that Yuta never spoke about himself or his family. He still ignored if he came to Korea when he was little or just recently. His Korean was good, even if a weird accent showed from time to time.

Yuta smirked. “Yeah. Let’s go downstairs, shall we?”

He didn’t say “let’s go have breakfast”, and Taeyong appreciated that. He was sure it wasn’t just a coincidence. He was starting to get to know Yuta better, and he knew that he was thoughtful and always carefully weighed his words.

Lately, he had been avoiding food the most he could, swallowing down just a couple spoonfuls of rice just not to raise suspicions. He also knew that Kyungsoo and Kai surely noticed, as well as Haechan for obvious reasons and Yuta, who probably already realized since longtime. Nobody ever forced him, though, even if the bread plate would magically appear within his reach during breakfast, or sometimes the best cuts of meat from Kyungsoo’s tasty stews would casually be placed right into his cup. He appreciated those gestures of care, he really did. But the dreadful feeling that the situation was getting out of hand was always there, subtle but never leaving him.

Kai drove a van with whom he brought the boys to school everyday. They used to go by bus or train, but they had to stop since Mark’s family would try to approach him when the educators weren’t around. Squeezed between Yuta and Jungwoo, who wouldn’t stop taking even for a second, Taeyong felt as if his heart was being squeezed too, squeezed in a merciless and cruel fist.

He was so scared. That school wasn’t that far away from his old one. There was a fairly good chance that someone heard about him, about what happened, and recognized him.

And then, he would be ruined again.

He didn’t want to enter the classroom. Doyoung, who was standing next to him, frowned at him. “What are you doing? You’re going to get a reprimand for being late.”

Taeyong couldn’t answer. His throat was too tight to speak.

The other sighed. “Listen. I don’t know what happened to you before and to be honest I am not sure I even want to. So please, why don’t you just stop being a chicken and just get in? I’ll ask the teacher to let me sit next to you.”

Doyoung probably meant to be helpful, even if his words were somewhat rash. Still, Taeyong didn’t fight when he discreetly pushed his back to make him enter the classroom. While the teacher introduced him to the other kids, Taeyong couldn’t stop shaking. His stomach was a pit of hunger and terror. His hands were sweating. His mind was numb.

Nothing happened, though. Doyoung kept his word and arranged things to let him sit next to him, and then Korean Literature class started. Taeyong was pretty good at that subject, and he started relaxing little by little, feeling the tension gradually release.

Nobody recognized him, apparently. Nobody seemed to stare at him intently, nobody whispered behind his back.

Maybe it really was the start of something new.

Doyoung passed him a note on a small piece of paper. _See? Nothing to fear. The kids aren’t that bad_.

Taeyong turned towards him and smiled softly. Doyoung rolled his eyes at him.

_Now don’t get all smitten with me. I know I am_ _awesome_ _, but keep it in your pants_.

This time, Taeyong snorted and stifled a laugh.

During lunchtime, Yuta and Johnny joined them. “Where’s Taeil?” Johnny asked.

“Over there, watching the table for us all.”

Taeyong felt strangely giddy, now that the morning went smoothly. He got a big portion of mixed salad for lunch along with a Coke Zero. Doyoung, who was in line behind him, scowled at his half-empty tray and shoved a pretzel bun onto it.

“Hey” Taeyong protested, but the other just kept scowling until Taeyong gave up and smiled. “Okay. Got it, mommy. I’ll eat all my bread like a good boy.”

“I’m not your mommy” Doyoung said, pretending to be disgusted. But he ruffled Taeyong’s hair while passing by, and the gesture was sweet.

He was a good guy, after all. And it kinda was okay to celebrate, wasn’t it?

Taeyong enjoyed the other boys’ company. When their classes were over, Jaehyun and Jungwoo joined them, as well as Haechan and Mark.

“Cute, aren’t we?” Taeil smiled, looking at all them sitting together like a real, proud older brother. “The Nest’s boys.”

“We should totally make a boy band” Mark joked.

Everyone had a good laugh about that. Just Yuta smirked, and kept silent. Taeyong noticed that the Japanese guy, in spite of acting supportive and kind to him as usual, had become quieter and quieter, in the last few days. He wondered what the reason could be, or if he was just imagining things.

Yuta was okay, right?

“Guys, I have an announcement” Jungwoo suddenly intervened. Taeyong looked at him. He never really spoke to that slim and elegant guy before, but as soon as he saw him he immediately took a liking on him. Jungwoo seemed sweet and agreeable, also really funny. And Taeyong couldn’t help but feeling deeply connected to him since Yuta told him about Jungwoo’s past bullying.

“What announcement?” Haechan asked.

Jungwoo looked absurdly happy, as if he could barely contain his excitement. “I’ve found my biological mother! And this time I’m sure she’s the real one!”

“Oh, God, not again” Doyoung moaned. Next to him, Jaehyun looked unbothered, sipping at his carton of juice. Did that guy ever show any emotions? Taeyong had never seen him look upset, distressed or even really happy or amused. It was like he was made of stone, and to be honest, Taeyong was starting to wonder if Jaehyun was just a pretty boy with no brains.

That would have been quite the disappointment.

“Hush, this time I’m positive that I’m totally right” Jungwoo went on, fishing into his bag and showing the other boys a few papers. “I snaked into Kyungsoo’s office and looked through the old papers he got from the orphanage. And I’ve got a name.”

“Kyungsoo is going to kill you” Johnny stated, but the younger boy didn’t pay attention to him.

“You know I’ve been begging Kyungsoo, Kai and Minseok to know who was the woman that abandoned me when I was born, but they all refused to tell me. Something in their attitude always made me convinced that they knew who she was, or that, somewhere, there must have been a document, a paper or whatever with a name written on it. And… bam. Here it is.”

Doyoung took the papers from Jungwoo’s hands, holding them as if they were on fire. “Jungwoo” he muttered, “this is a very, very bad idea...”

“Why?” the younger boy suddenly retorted, “Why can’t I meet her? Do you have a problem with that?”

“Calm down” Yuta finally spoke. “Can you explain better?”

Jungwoo took a deep breath, and Taeyong noticed that his fingers were slightly shaking. The poor Jungwoo must have wanted to meet his mom since he was a baby, and he pitied him. He honestly couldn’t even imagine what being at an orphanage could mean.

“I have always told you all that I had this feeling – call it a gut feeling, a premonition or whatever – that the woman who gave birth to me never wanted to part ways from me. Maybe she was forced, or had money issues, or really couldn’t afford keeping me when I was born. But now… what if she regrets what she did? What if she’s looking for me? If she’s still alive, I need to meet her.”

Yuta pursed his lips. Taeyong knew what he was thinking, because it was the same for him.

_This poor little thing just wants to be loved. And he wants it to the point that he’s crazily idealizing that one woman who didn’t even want him…_

“Jungwoo. I think this is really sweet of you. But have you ever thought that you might just be projecting your own desire to be born into a real family into a groundless fantasy?”

The whole table suddenly fell silent. When everybody stared at him with wide eyes, Taeyong realized that he had been speaking aloud.

“What do you mean?” Jungwoo asked in a strained voice.

_Oh, fuck_. “Well, maybe… just maybe… this woman that you found out, maybe your gut feeling is right, and maybe she didn’t leave you willingly at that place. Maybe she was having a difficult time, or she was too young, I don’t know. But what if she moved on from that? What if she met someone, built up a family, or even moved away, tried to forget...”

“This woman” Jungwoo interrupted him, “she is not just a _woman_. She is my mom.”

“Yes, but...”

“Taeyong is right, Jungwoo” Doyoung added. “I hate saying it in your face like this, but why did she never try looking for you, if she really didn’t abandon you willingly? I think you should be careful.”

Jungwoo’s expression was dark. “So you all think that I’m delusional? And that now that I have her name, right here in my hands, I shouldn’t even give it a try?”

“We just don’t want you to get hurt” Yuta whispered.

Silence fell again, but this time, Jungwoo’s eyes were full of tears. “Fine. Will you tell Kyungsoo and Kai?”

Taeil shook his head. “You know we won’t. But we can’t even let you do something so reckless without trying to prevent you from getting hurt.”

“I’m not made of glass.”

“Okay, then. I think you shouldn’t do it” Doyoung stated. “Who agrees with me?”

Slowly, everyone raised their hands, Taeyong included, even if he had the feeling that his own hand was holding a knife stabbing right into Jungwoo’s heart.

“I guess I should just throw away everything, then” Jungwoo murmured, playing with the papers he stole. “To avoid problems, huh.”

Haechan finally spoke. “Jungwoo, I am an orphan too. But seriously. We’re happy, now. Kyungsoo and Kai take good care of us, and our names are in the list of those who are up for adoption. Wouldn’t you like meeting nice people who are just dying to get a marvelous son like you? I am.”

“This is fine” Jungwoo insisted. “This all really fine. But I want to see my real mother’s face, at least once. And don’t tell me you never thought about doing the same too, at least once.”

Haechan was left speechless.

“Guys” Jungwoo announced, standing, “I’ll get to the library to study. I have an important test in a few days. I’ll see you all later.”

“Wait, Jungwoo, don’t be like this.”

“Later, I said.”

“He’s so fucking stubborn” Doyoung complained, when the younger walked away, “to the point of being ridiculous. Meeting his real mom? It’s not like he’s five years old. He’s going to be eighteen soon. He needs to face reality and stop living in a dream.”

“Easier said than done” Jaehyun quietly said, standing to waste his trash and put his empty tray away. His beautiful face didn’t show the least bit of participation in Jungwoo’s sad story. Following his example, everyone else started doing the same.

Taeyong approached Yuta. “Are we really going to dismiss him like this?” he asked, unable to hide his worry. “He might do something reckless.”

The Japanese boy looked at him. “Taeyong, we know how his mind works. Jungwoo is an idealist and a blockhead, but he’s not stupid. He already knows that it’s a bad idea, otherwise he wouldn’t even bother telling us and would have gone ringing this woman’s doorbell already.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. You can’t imagine how many times he suddenly grabbed random women he met around because he got ‘a gut feeling’ that they might be his real mother. It’s weird. A guy with his grades, who always gets straight As in every subject, believes in this kind of fairy tale. But this is Jungwoo, for you. A walking contradiction.”

Taeyong kept mum for a few seconds. “How long till afternoon classes?”

Yuta checked the time. “About twenty minutes, why?”

“I’ll take a stroll around, then. See you in the corridor in twenty minutes, then.”

And he rushed away.

\---oOo---

Yuta let Taeyong climb the stairs that brought at the school library, then, when he was sure that the other boy couldn’t see him, quietly started following him.

He was pretty sure he knew where Taeyong was heading to. He hid among a small bunch of boys gathering near the Chemistry lab while the other looked around, puzzled, and then checked the school map on the wall. When he started to walk towards the library, Yuta quietly smiled to himself.

Speaking of stubborn people, maybe Jungwoo wasn’t the only one.

Taeyong entered the library, looking around. He was holding onto his bag like a little kid, and Yuta quietly chuckled to himself.

He looked cute.

Then, Taeyong started walking towards the tables. Jungwoo was sitting by himself, flipping through the pages of a big book that made Yuta sleepy just from looking at it. Yuta hid behind a shelf, peeking at the two boys.

“Hey” Taeyong started, awkward.

Jungwoo noticed him and sighed. “Hey.”

“About what you said earlier...”

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to tell you that I admire your courage. I really do.”

Jungwoo stared at Taeyong through his long bangs. Carefully, Taeyong moved a chair and sat down next to him. “Do you really have the name of your real mother?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Yes. And I already made researches to get her address. She doesn’t live far from here.”

Taeyong gulped, visibly nervous. “And does she… live by herself, or…?”

“According to the registry, by herself, yes.”

“Do you have a picture?”

Without speaking, Jungwoo passed him a photocopy. Yuta didn’t need to squint to know that the boys’ eyes were full of tears.

“Wow” Taeyong murmured, looking at the picture. “She’s young. And she looks like you.”

“She does, right?”

“Yes. You two have the same smile.”

“Taeyong” Jungwoo suddenly said, “will you come with me, when I’ll meet her?”

Yuta blinked. That was an abrupt request, and Taeyong was shy. He wasn’t sure about what his answer would be.

“Do you already contacted her?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Yes. And I’ve already looked at what buses I could take to get there.”

“What did she say?”

“I messaged her. I explained who I was and everything, she seemed suspicious and asked a lot of questions, but then she agreed to meet me. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow in the afternoon. I’ll ditch cram school to get to her.”

Taeyong scratched his nape. “So you already scheduled a meeting.”

“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and the others before, but you saw how they reacted. I know they just want to protect me, but...” Jungwoo grabbed Taeyong’s hand. “I can see that you understand me, Taeyong. Please, come with me.”

“You are scared.”

Yuta stared, hypnotized, at the way Taeyong’s skinny fingers gently entwined with Jungwoo’s. It was such a sensitive gesture, and it spoke a lot about Taeyong’s inner world. He felt as if he still knew too little about his roommate, and he wondered how many amazing features he kept hiding from him and from the whole world.

“Actually” Jungwoo whispered, “I am terrified. But I need to do this. For my own peace of mind. To help a circle close, I think. If my real mother really doesn’t want me, then I can truly open to whoever would ever accept me as their real son, and leave everything behind.”

Taeyong didn’t say anything. He just reached out with his arms wide, and grabbed Jungwoo in a tender hug.

“Uh-oh” Jungwoo giggled, “people is staring at the two hot guys hugging tight in public.”

“Well, they can fuck themselves.”

Yuta couldn’t take his eyes away from that scene.

His heart was beating at a crazy rhythm. Taeyong totally surprised him. He had always perceived him as mellow and timid, but going to Jungwoo like that completely changed the picture he made of him. Maybe Taeyong was much stronger than what he looked.

And Yuta liked that side of him. A lot.

He made sure he got to class before Taeyong, careful not to get caught spying on him. He was aware that he just made a pretty creepy thing, but he actually told himself that it was just to make sure that Jungwoo was okay. Which was kinda true. So everything was fine. Kinda.

Later, since it was a nice day and it wasn’t too hot, Yuta, Jaehyun, Doyoung and Taeyong walked all the way to the foster home. Yuta’s eyes kept glancing towards Taeyong, whose bangs couldn’t stop falling over his eyes. Every single time, the boy fixed them with his thin fingers, revealing his pale forehead and his bright eyes.

Taeyong seemed lost in thought, and he didn’t participate in Doyoung and Jaehyun’s conversation, who were discussing whether buying a new lamp for their room, since Mark accidentally threw a shoe at the old one and smashed it (to be totally honest, he dynamics of that accident was still a mystery to Yuta, but knowing Mark, it probably involved a lot of alcohol). Doyoung didn’t want to check the cheap supermarket near the foster home but wanted to visit another shop a little far from there. Jaehyun protested because he didn’t want to spend much, always in his emotionless and flat tone of voice.

Yuta felt truly sorry for Doyoung. He was trying so hard with Jaehyun, but his efforts were going nowhere.

From time to time, Taeyong would glance at Jaehyun, whose uniform was still immaculate and without a single wrinkle as if he hadn’t been in school for the whole day, but then his eyes would drift away.

Yuta wondered if Taeyong liked him.

And that dreadful feeling made his guts knot tightly.

Kyungsoo, who was mopping the common room’s floor, greeted them warmly when they got back. Then, everyone split to reach their shared bedrooms, shower and get ready for spending the evening together.

Yuta and Taeyong were just about to go downstairs together, when a wild Jungwoo appeared at the bottom of the corridor and ran towards them.

“Taeyong, I missed you!” he screeched, jumping at the slim boy’s back and squishing him in a tight hug. “Let’s go watch TV together. There’s my favorite show on.”

“Uhm, okay. What is it?”

Jungwoo blurted out the title of the cheesy drama he was currently watching, and Taeyong’s panicked face actually made Yuta laugh. But at least, if he was with Jungwoo, Taeyong wouldn’t be in Jaehyun’s company, staring like a lovesick puppy and making doe eyes at him.

It was a mean thought, and Yuta felt ashamed of himself.

“...too?”

“Uh?”

Taeyong was smiling at him, even if Jungwoo was still clutching him against his side in a rather possessive way. “Would you like watching the movie with us, Yuta?”

Yuta blinked, and then, his lips curved into a smile. Taeyong was so kind. At the foster home, everybody was nice, but Taeyong was always polite and good-mannered.

“Sure.”

Yuta hated cheesy dramas, but he didn’t care. He sat down next to Taeyong on the spacious couch, hugged his pillow and focused on the screen.

He realized it just later, when the movie was almost over and Taeyong suddenly snorted a little laugh after a particularly cringe-worthy line.

When Taeyong was around, he felt good.

Almost… _happy_.

Just like his old self, the one he thought he buried forever.

\---oOo---

Taeyong’s palms were sweaty. He was supposed to meet with Jungwoo after lunch in the library, but the younger boy wasn’t there yet.

While he looked around for him, Taeyong wondered for the umpteenth time why the hell did he agree to support Jungwoo in such a mad plan. There was no real reason, to be honest. He just had this feeling that Jungwoo couldn’t left being alone during that moment. Someone needed to be there to collect him if everything went wrong, of course, but the boy’s stubbornness was starting to infect Taeyong too. What if, for a change, things would end well, this time? What if Jungwoo’s reunion with his biological mother would be a good thing for him, no matter what the result could be?

Jungwoo arrived after a few minutes. He had obviously stopped to the bathroom, combed his hair, touched up his makeup (he was a pro at that) and checked out his school uniform. He looked really cute, and Taeyong smiled as soon as he saw him. “So, are you ready?”

“Uhm, yeah. I’m so glad that you are here, actually. I am starting to get butterflies in my stomach.”

“Let’s go.”

According to the information he got from Kyungsoo’s archive, Jungwoo’s mother was from Seoul. Jungwoo, being the smart boy with good grades he was, already searched for her contact information, looking through various social networks and messaged her via Facebook.

“I know it’s creepy, but I needed to know. Do you think it’s creepy?” he anxiously asked Taeyong, while they approached the company where she was supposed to work. It wasn’t even far from the school, and they easily reached it after a few bus stops.

Taeyong pondered that question. “I think it might be perceived as a little creepy, yes. But you have good reasons to do that, so I think it’s okay.”

Jungwoo stared at him, and then grabbed Taeyong’s hand. Jungwoo’s hand was sweaty and clammy. “I am so nervous, Yong. What if something will go wrong?”

Taeyong gently squeezed his fingers. “It’s going to be okay, as long as you keep your expectations not too high.” Or at least he truly hoped so. “Did you talk to her on the phone?”

“Nope” Jungwoo replied, “I lacked the courage to. I just messaged her. I don’t know what her voice sounds like.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t judge me, okay? I didn’t want Taeil to park his nose into my stuff. He would have done whatever to prevent me from contacting her.”

The company’s building was big and fancy, one of those office blocks you could easily see in movies, all made of shiny glass and luxuriously decorated. “We agreed to meet in the hall. We are just a few minutes in advance, which is good.”

Jungwoo was sweating. He was so tense that Taeyong took pity on him. The younger boy’s nerves must have been a mess, by then.

A phone was buzzing somewhere. It took a couple moments to Taeyong to realize that it was his new phone, the one his mom sent him along with his clothes a few days before. He disactivated his old number after it got targeted by bullies. His contacts list was half empty, since he now put in just his mom and dad’s numbers, Kyungsoo’s and Kai’s and the other boys’ from the foster home ones.

It was a text from Doyoung.

_Where the hell are you? I swear, if you went with Jungwoo to do something stupid I’m going to break your neck._

Which made Taeyong snort and shiver at the same time. He just thought of supporting Jungwoo, to be frank, and he didn’t really consider what the others’ reaction could be. Which wasn’t good at all. In a corner of his mind, he wondered what could Yuta think of his stupid plan. Or Jaehyun.

_Sorry, I’ll explain later. Can you cover for me with the teachers? Thank you in advance._

_You better not mess up, little Yong, or I swear it won’t end well._

The hall was empty, besides a security guard chatting idly with a secretary sitting behind the information desk and a cleaning lady mopping the floor. Each of them, especially the guard, kept glancing towards them, probably wondering why two highschoolers were waiting outside.

Then, a bell rang, and the employees started getting out of the elevators and walking in the hall.

A few women got past the glass doors and approached them. One of them, in Taeyong’s opinion, resembled Jungwoo, and he grabbed his friend’s hand tightly. But none of them stopped, and they all just walked away, probably heading to a meeting or something like that.

“Wow, they were all so posh” Jungwoo commented. “But you know, I always kind of imagined my mom to be like that. Pretty and smart.”

“Jungwoo…”

“I think that she probably got pregnant when she was too young, or that her family didn’t want her to become a single mom, then she gave me up for adoption but meanwhile continued studying and got a good job. Yeah, this is how it must have been… But why isn’t anyone stopping by? There isn’t anyone left here, just that cleaning lady who is staring at us.”

“Jungwoo” Taeyong insisted, this time with a little more urgency. He noticed the cleaning lady too, who put the mop away and started approaching them slowly.

“J-Jungwoo?” she hesitantly called.

Jungwoo went stiff, and Taeyong felt him squeeze his hand to the point that it hurt.

“Oh. H-hey. Yes, it’s me.”

No posh and cool office lady, after all. The woman looked tired and somewhat older than what Taeyong expected. There were subtle wrinkles around her eyes, and something, in her face, gave out an overall unhealthy feeling.

Mother and son stared at each other for a very long moment.

“Uhm. I wanted to get to know you” Jungwoo said. “So, you work here?”

“Yes, I do some cleaning here and in a restaurant in the evening hours.”

Jungwoo blinked. “Sounds like a lot of work.”

His mother shrugged. “It is.” And her gaze fell on the two boys’ hands, which were still tightly entwined.

“Jungwoo, I’ll be over there, okay? Take all the time you need” Taeyong muttered, letting go of the younger’s hand and walking away. He didn’t want to intrude in that private moment, but he didn’t want to get too far as well. He knew that Jungwoo would have needed him, when everything would be over. And judging from how it was going, it looked like it would be over soon.

The two talked for a few minutes. Taeyong picked up a few leaflets from the company to occupy some time (it was an insurance company, by the way) and he was looking through them for the second time when Jungwoo approached him, his head hanging low.

“Already done?” Taeyong asked, surprised.

“Yes. Another cleaning lady came and scolded her for getting outside without asking permission first, so she needed to go.”

Taeyong stared at him, worried. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know” Jungwoo murmured. “Not as bad as I thought, to be honest. Can we go home, now?”

“Okay.”

They got back on the bus that would drop them near the school. While they were traveling, Taeyong texted Doyoung back.

_Sorry for not telling anything. I went with Jungwoo who met his mother. I couldn’t leave him alone._

The reply came shortly after. _I already figured_ _out_ _, dumbass. How is he? Did he cry?_

_No. He looks calm. It was just a short talk, she needed to get back to work._

_Fuck. Stay with him, okay? And don’t bother getting back to school, just bring him home. I’ll tell Kai, he’ll probably need to talk to Minseok later._

Taeyong sighed. Doyoung was rude as always, but he cared a lot for Jungwoo.

His phone buzzed again, and Taeyong checked it. _And you? Are you okay? I bet you ate nothing for lunch. You better not faint around or you’ll get your ass kicked when I come to collect you._

Taeyong smiled softly to himself. _I’m fine, Dy. Really._ _Thank you for caring :)_

Doyoung really was a good guy, after all.

“My mom” Jungwoo suddenly said, “she said that she had me when she was thirty-six years old. She didn’t expect to get pregnant. She had a husband and a daughter, and my father was… another person. A random man she met at a club on one night. She doesn’t even know his name. She didn’t really said it clearly, but I think she did drugs, at that time.”

Taeyong took his hand. “And?”

Jungwoo pursed his lips. “She decided to keep me, but her family rejected her. Her husband divorced, her daughter was taken away from her. Her life fell apart. She took all the jobs she could to maintain herself, this is why she does all that cleaning and exhausts herself like that.”

“Jungwoo?” Taeyong sweetly called, “It’s not your fault. It was her own choice. You aren’t responsible of anything.”

“How do you know what am I thinking?” the other sharply replied, and Taeyong sighed, expecting him to start yelling at him or whatever, but the younger boy grimaced and sniffed instead. “Are you psychic or what? This is exactly what I was thinking. If she just didn’t have this dreaded baby driving her apart from her family. If she just didn’t have to face all that shit...”

Taeyong reached out and hugged him tightly, letting him cry and vent his sadness. Jungwoo was too sweet, he didn’t deserve anything of that. He was smart and childish at the same time, he needed to be protected and kept away from any unnecessary pain.

Listening to Doyoung’s advice, they got home instead than returning to school. And when they reached The Nest, Taeyong noticed that Kyungsoo was waiting from them on the doorway. And he didn’t look happy at all.

“Uh-oh” Jungwoo moaned. “Brace yourself.”

Kyungsoo was _really_ angry. He didn’t yell or do anything scary, but Taeyong felt terrible, when he met the educator’s furious gaze. He was perfectly aware that he disobeyed and that he shouldn’t have let Jungwoo meet that woman, but he also felt that apologizing wasn’t the right thing to do either. Jungwoo needed a friend in that difficult moment. And Taeyong couldn’t just leave him like that because he would get scolded.

Minseok, the psychologist, was there as well. “Come, dear” he told Jungwoo, who started crying hard as soon as he saw him, “let’s have a talk. Now, now. It’s alright. You’re home, now. It’s going to be alright.”

Sighing, Taeyong sat down at the table, next to Kai, who somehow looked a little less angry than Kyungsoo.

“Explain” Kyungsoo exhorted, cold as ice.

“Jungwoo stole his biological mother’s contact information from your archive and arranged a meeting with her. I went with him.”

Kyungsoo shook his head and looked away, too troubled to talk. Surprised, Taeyong noticed that he got teary-eyed. Kai took over the conversation. “Taeyong, you know that this could have ended really bad, don’t you?”

Taeyong nodded. “I know. I am sorry. But he was so adamant. He wanted to go on his own, and I couldn’t let him. If things would have gotten really bad, I could have called someone to help, or something like that.”

“I’ll be frank to you” Kai said. “When Doyoung told us that you went with Jungwoo, we were more scared for you than for him.”

Taeyong blinked. _That_ was a big surprise. “Me? Why?”

“We thought that you were going to run away.”

Taeyong exhaled slowly. Yes, that thought _did_ cross his mind, while he was riding the bus with Jungwoo. Just running away from all that madness… those weird guys sharing that weird place, those weird people. Returning home to his mom… but returning home would have meant returning to everything that he left behind. Everything he wanted to forget.

“I can’t return home” he heard himself say, and his world turned blurry and confused while tears started falling. “I really can’t. I never… I never really thought of going away, I think.”

Kai stroked his head. “We are glad that you took care of Jungwoo so well” he whispered, “but now you need to take care of yourself too. We are worried about you, and the other boys are too.”

Kyungsoo stood without saying anything and disappeared in the kitchen. Taeyong heard him blow his nose.

“I know I am not eating enough” Taeyong whispered, in between hiccups, “I know. But--” He couldn’t finish. It was too painful.

He couldn’t explain properly, he was hurting too much.

Kai kept stroking him gently while he cried, and after a while, Kyungsoo came back holding a cup. “Here, this is hot milk with honey” he gruffly stated. “I made three cups, one for each of us.”

“Thanks, baby” Kai thanked him casually, and Taeyong watched, stupefied, as the educator reached out and placed a small kiss on the other man’s cheek from across the table. He didn’t realize that those two were a couple, but now that he paid attention, he could see that they were both wearing a matching ring.

He reached for the warm cup and took the smallest sip. “It’s so sweet” he whispered, and he meant it in a literal way.

Even in all that pain, if he really searched he could always find a small reason to be glad for something. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome” Kai murmured. “Just please, never scare us like that anymore, okay? We already knew that Jungwoo’s mom wasn’t a dangerous woman, but we still don’t know you enough to guess your reactions. We were terrified that an encounter like that could have triggered you to do something extreme. This is why we were so scared.”

Taeyong nodded. “I’m so sorry, guys. Really.”

“Would you like talking to Minseok, later? He canceled all his appointments for the evening to take care of Jungwoo, and I’m sure he won’t mind if you stop for a chat, later.”

Taeyong felt tense just thinking about it, but he knew he couldn’t avoid it for long. “Okay” he whispered, “okay.”

In that moment, the front door slammed open. “Taeyong!” Haechan screamed, jumping inside. “Oh, my God! You are here!”

Taeyong was about to tell something, when the younger ran inside and grabbed him in a killer hug. “We were so, so scared!”

“Go away, you’re choking him” Mark intervened, pushing Haechan away and grabbing Taeyong’s face between his hands. “Are you hurt somewhere? Is everything okay? Why are you crying?!”

“Babies, piss off” Doyoung grumbled, making his grand entrance. “I need to kill Bones.” But Taeil and Johnny were already grabbing him by his elbows, and the latter winked at Taeyong.

“You okay, pal?”

“At least you got to ditch school. I kind of envy you.”

Jaehyun just came in without saying anything, and he waved a little hello at Taeyong, who felt his cheeks warm just seeing him. Beside him came Yuta, who just stared at him and said nothing. When the others kept fussing around Taeyong, though, he suddenly appeared behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get upstairs and change, what about it?” he suggested.

Taeyong gladly accepted, because maybe Doyoung was just joking, when he said that he wanted to kill him, but he wasn’t too sure about that.

When Yuta closed the door behind them, Taeyong finally started breathing normally. “Ooof” he sighed, throwing his bag on the floor. “I am so tired.”

He stretched his neck, which hurt. He didn’t realize he had been tensing all day. Yuta noticed the gesture, and he approached him. “Would you like me to give you a little massage?”

“Uh?” That was a weird request, but Yuta just shrugged.

“If you want. I’m good at it.”

Taeyong accepted - that wouldn’t be the weirdest thing he did on that day, would it? - and he sat on his desk’s chair, taking off his tie and unbuttoning the first two buttons of his shirt. Slowly, Yuta crept at his back and started sliding his fingertips over his muscles.

Taeyong sighed again. Yuta was _really_ good at it.

“This is heaven” he murmured. “Where did you learn?”

“My mom was a nurse” Yuta replied, his fingers still caressing all the tense spots on Taeyong’s neck and shoulders. “She taught me back in Japan.”

A question was dancing on Taeyong’s lips (“and why are you here, now? What happened to your mom?”) but he avoided to ask it. If Yuta didn’t tell, he surely had a reason to. And that day had already been an emotional rollercoaster, until then. He wasn’t sure he could take anything else.

“Thank you” Yuta said, after a while.

“For what?” Taeyong asked.

“For being this kind. And thoughtful.”

Taeyong didn’t expect anything like that. He half-expected Yuta to address to the Jungwoo’s issue again, instead the conversation took a weird turn.

“I did nothing, Yuta...”

“You are doing a lot. For all of us. Maybe you didn’t notice, but the atmosphere in the house changed dramatically since you came here. It’s like you are holding all of us together, now.”

“I still feel like an outcast, to be honest.”

“I swear none of us perceives you like that.”

“Hmm.” Taeyong was intrigued by that conversation, but Yuta’s fingers dancing on his skin were making him sleepy. “I think I’ll lay down for a little.”

“Okay. I’ll wake you up for dinner.”

“Thank you, Yuta. You are really a good guy.”

Taeyong took off his slippers and crashed onto his bed.

Yuta sat down at his desk, taking a book out of his bag. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t concentrate on his homework, because his eyes would always end up drifting towards the boy sleeping a few feet away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, these are the roommate’s pairings:
> 
> Yuta/Taeyong
> 
> Doyoung/Jaehyun
> 
> Haechan/Mark
> 
> Johnny/Jungwoo
> 
> Taeil by himself :)


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for potentially triggering writing about eating disorders. If you need help, please don't hesitate asking for it and always remember to take care of yourself.

Someone was tapping on Taeyong’s left elbow, and he slowly opened his eyes. He slept for only half an hour, but he felt like he could have gone on for long.

“Time to go” Yuta said, watching him closely. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Do you want me to tell Kyungsoo to bring you something in bed?”

Taeyong considered the offer for a moment, but then he remembered what the educators told him previously. He was supposed to talk to the psychologist in the evening, so it was pointless to hide in his room like a stubborn kid. “Nah, it’s okay.”

He wore his slippers, fixed his hair avoiding to look into his own eyes in the mirror and then he followed Yuta downstairs. “Tonight, pizza” Taeil announced, bouncing around in excitement, “Kyungsoo ordered many different flavors so we can share.”

Taeyong felt dying inside, but he forced himself to smile. Doyoung, who was checking his phone while sitting next to Jaehyun as usual, didn’t even look at him. “You know, I don’t feel like eating any pizza, tonight.”

“Really?” Jaehyun asked, candid, “but you love pizza.”

Taeil was annoyed. “Oh, fuck you Doyoung, you’re such a party-pooper!”

The other ignored him and stood. “I’m going to the kitchen to cut some vegetables for myself. Do anyone want some too?”

Of course, being all teenagers, all the others shook their head no. Taeyong, though, dared to raise his hand. “Okay, fine” Doyoung said, heading towards the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Kai asked, confused, coming through the front door while carrying a pile of pizza cartons.

“I don’t feel like eating greasy food” Doyoung stiffly replied, grabbing Taeyong’s arm and dragging him along.

“Uhm, Doyoung” Taeyong whispered when they were alone, “you don’t have to do this for me, okay? I can...”

“...eat a whole pizza? Fine, go ahead.”

Taeyong sighed. Of course, Doyoung was right. “Okay, no. But...”

“Don’t misunderstand” the other interrupted him, looking through the contents of the fridge, “I’m not doing this to support your eating disorder, but you need the fucking vitamins. So you are going to eat vegetables AND a piece of pizza, okay? Otherwise I’m going to force you in front of all the others.”

Taeyong smirked. He had a feeling that Doyoung was just bluffing, since he would have never done something so cruel. That was his way of caring for him, obviously. He appreciated it, really.

“Thanks” he whispered. “You are kind.”

“Shut up and wash those carrots.”

Doyoung washed a head of lettuce, while Taeyong reduced carrots and cucumbers in neat sticks. When they got back with two bowls, Taeyong noticed that Yuta was helping Kai getting the last stuff from the car, while Kyungsoo and Minseok, the psychologist, were already sitting among the other boys.

“Hello, Taeyong” Minseok greeted him with a smile.

“Oh, uhm… hey.”

Someone was screaming for his name, and Taeyong saw that Jungwoo kept an empty seat for him. His eyes seemed a little puffier than usual, but he overall looked good, and Taeyong was glad to see it.

“Yongie! Come sit next to me!”

Taeyong gladly did it, but he realized that Jaehyun was sitting right in front of him, across the table. The brunette smiled at him, making his gorgeous eyes squint, and Taeyong’s heart leaped.

He was just too handsome for his own sake. How could everyone not gawk at him every time they met his eyes?

“Hey” Taeyong shyly greeted him back, but then Jungwoo grabbed him in a deadly hug.

“Can you move into my room? Johnny is so boring and he never tidies up. I’d love to share with you~”

“What?” Johnny protested. “You move out instead with all your makeup stuff and fancy clothes, thank you very much!”

“Well...” Taeyong was embarrassed by all that attention, and he instinctively searched for Yuta with his eyes. His current roommate was busy helping Kai bringing a crate of coke inside.

Surprisingly, the idea of rooming with someone different from Yuta didn’t feel pleasant. “Uh, I don’t think we are allowed to change room as we like, right? Also, I am okay with Yuta.”

“He doesn’t talk much” Jaehyun barged in. “But he’s a nice older brother.”

Yuta was passing by when the brunette said that, and he heard it. He curiously looked at Taeyong from above the bottles he was carrying but he proceeded towards the kitchen.

“Yes” Taeyong agreed, “he’s really nice.”

Trying to act casual, he started putting vegetables’ sticks in his plate and the smallest piece he could of pizza. Jaehyun stared at him for the whole time. “How come you eat so little?” he suddenly asked.

The whole table fell silent while Taeyong forgot how to breathe. He could feel everyone’s eyes, the psychologist’s and the educator’s included, on him.

“Just let him be” Doyoung said.

“But he always eats so little” Jaehyun insisted, but in a weird, colorless tone, as if he wasn’t interested at all. “At breakfast, at lunch, at dinner. Isn’t he hungry?”

“Jaehyun” Minseok quietly intervened, “Doyoung is right. You shouldn’t point out things like that. It’s unpolite.”

The brunette looked clueless. “Oh. Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then.”

And to Taeyong’s horror, the boy resumed happily eating his own pizza as if nothing happened. Doyoung, who had been watching his roommate with crescent worry during the whole exchange, raised his gaze to meet Taeyong’s and mouthed “I’m sorry” without making any sound.

Taeyong just gave in a tiny smirk, because he lacked the courage to say “it’s okay”.

It obviously and painfully wasn’t okay. Not at all.

After that, everybody suddenly started talking loudly, as if they wanted to get over it. Haechan started complaining about his Math teacher, who according to him was a bitch, and he did a hilarious parody of him, making everyone laugh. At a certain moment, Johnny maliciously proposed a game of truth or dare, which Kyungsoo strictly forbid. Jaehyun just smiled and laughed along with everyone, unbothered.

Taeyong actually ended up not eating anything, and he was glad when Doyoung, who stood to clean the table after the dinner was over, just took his still full plate away without comments. Taeyong made a mental note to thank him later, because he couldn’t trust his voice in that moment.

When the tablecloth was put away, someone proposed to play Uno. Taeyong declined the offer, just staring at the others playing. Mark spectacularly lost twice in a row, and Jungwoo – who actually looked pretty damn lively in spite of everything – started calling for a punishment. The others were about to come up with something especially cruel, when Taeyong felt a hand on his shoulder.

It belonged to Minseok.

“I see you aren’t in the mood for playing. What about having a chat with me? Just a chat” the psychologist specified. “Nothing tedious.”

Taeyong had no other choice but to agree. He didn’t notice, though, that Yuta saw him going away with Minseok, and that he followed him with his eyes while they went in the small room to get some privacy.

“So” Minseok started, after letting Taeyong sit, “what are your feelings about today?”

Taeyong shrugged. “I shouldn’t have gone with Jungwoo. I was irresponsible.”

“I disagree. You actually helped him face the brutal truth, pulling him out of his fairy tale. And you actually made sure that he came home safely and didn’t put himself in danger afterwards. You acted very responsibly, actually.”

Taeyong blinked. That wasn’t what he expected to hear.

“Actually” he murmured, “Jungwoo looked pretty good, tonight.”

“He did” Minseok confirmed. “As I told you, this little escapade did him good.”

“Uhm, okay.”

An awkward silence fell, while Taeyong dried up his sweaty palms against the fabric of his trousers. He knew what was coming next, and he desperately braced for it.

“Taeyong, about what happened previously… Jaehyun’s words.”

“Yes.”

“He actually verbalized what everybody was wondering” Minseok said, his voice calm and kind. “He wasn’t delicate, but he’s also somewhat right. This is something that should be addressed.”

Taeyong didn’t move or talk.

“Taeyong” Minseok asked, “when did it start? Do you remember?”

Taeyong shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

Of course, he was sure. He perfectly knew when it all started. After… after _that_.

Minseok carefully reached out, moving slowly to avoid startling him, and took Taeyong’s hands into his own. The boy tried jerking away, because his hands were sweaty and gross, but the psychologist didn’t seem to care. The man’s eyes were firmly planted into Taeyong’s.

“Taeyong” Minseok said, “I am sure you already know what anorexia is, do you?”

Taeyong nodded. That shameful word… a girly thing. So embarrassing. “Yes” he whispered.

“How do you feel, when you try avoiding food?”

Taeyong’s eyes were filling up with tears, but he didn’t want to let them spill. “Uh… I don’t know.”

Minseok didn’t push him, respecting his silence. After a while, Taeyong managed to turn his feelings into almost coherent words.

“I started restricting after being targeted by bullies in my old school. I am not sure, but I think that trying to stay away from food actually makes me feel that I still can control something, even after all that happened. But...” He suddenly focused on his wrists, peeking from the cuffs of his hoodie, and he thought they were so bony they looked obnoxious. “But it’s scary. And tiring.”

“This is what your mind feels” Minseok told him, “but what about your body? Do you feel any physical pain?”

Taeyong felt a big tear roll down his cheek, immediately followed by another. “I… uh, I’m sorry...”

Without talking, Minseok pulled just one hand away to grab a tissue from a box and pass it to him. Taeyong did the same, using his free hand but still holding the psychologist’s other one. That contact between them actually felt rather pleasant. It made him feel grounded.

“When I look at myself, I think I look terrible. I used to be popular, and I had a lot of friends. But now, I am so ugly. My hair is thinning out, my nails break and sometimes bleed. I am always cold, especially my feet and hands. Also, all of a sudden, I feel weak on my knees and I can’t stand.”

“Like, do you feel fainting?”

“Yes. Once I almost passed out, but Yuta brought me fruit and I felt better...”

“What?” Minseok interrupted him, surprised, “Yuta did that?”

Taeyong was perplexed. “Yes” he confirmed, blowing his leaky nose on the tissue, “he takes really good care of me.”

The psychologist’s expression changed. While Taeyong was talking, previously, he looked kind and sympathetic, but now, he almost looked moved. Was it because he mentioned Yuta? Or was he just moved by Taeyong’s pathetic story?

“Taeyong. I think I don’t need to tell you that what you are doing to yourself is really bad for your body and your mind.”

Taeyong nodded. “I know.”

“Would you believe me, if I tell you that I don’t see anything ugly when I look at you?”

Taeyong was crying like crazy. He so desperately wanted to believe Minseok… but how could he?

“And today, being kind to Jungwoo, you proved yourself to be uncommonly empathetic. And responsible. You took really good care of him, and I am so proud of you.”

Taeyong couldn’t continue. That was too much.

In that moment, all the tension and the craziness of that day crashed on him. He couldn’t stop sobbing, his chest tight with a weird mix of misery, fear, anxiety and sadness. He just wished that everything would stop, that everything could take a turn and start going well.

He was so tired of all that pain.

Gently, Minseok patted his head. “You did so well, Taeyong” he said. “Go to bed, now. We’ll talk again soon.”

Taeyong stood. He just bowed slightly to thank the psychologist, then he walked away. His legs felt like jelly while he slowly climbed up the stairs and walked through the dark corridor towards his room. He could hear chatters and happy noises coming from the other rooms, while the boys got ready for bed, and he wondered how could they be so happy. Their lives were such a mess… what was there to laugh about? Sometimes, nothing in that place made sense. The Nest was like a parallel universe, where most of the common world’s laws were reversed.

He stumbled inside. Yuta was sitting at his desk, but it was obvious that he had been waiting for him. As soon as Taeyong stepped in, he immediately stood and approached him.

Keeping some distance, he checked on him and took in Taeyong’s state.

“Judging from the way you are staring at me, I must look like an absolute mess” Taeyong whispered.

Yuta didn’t look fazed by his sarcasm. Silently, he opened his arms and reached out for him.

That was more than enough. Taeyong was exhausted and overwhelmed, and he didn’t think twice. He walked right into Yuta’s awaiting hug, letting the Japanese boy hold him against himself. He smelled like soap and cleanliness, as usual, and the material of his pajama’s shirt was soft and comfortable against his cheek. Taeyong’s tears soaked it.

“Sorry” Taeyong sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Ssh, don’t talk. It’s okay” Yuta whispered, stroking Taeyong’s hair, “don’t worry. You are safe, now. It’s over.”

Taeyong was sobbing, but he had to acknowledge that Yuta was right. That crazy day was really over. Now he could relax and calm down. “Yuta...”

The other didn’t reply, but he kept stroking and petting him, letting him calm down slowly. Time stopped and dilated at the same time. That hug felt cozy, almost… homey. Yes, homey. Comforting.

When the worst of the crisis was over, Taeyong was drained. He didn’t protest when Yuta actually guided him to his own bed, which was impregnated of the Japanese boy’s nice scent, and continued holding him while they laid down together.

Taeyong’s ear was pressed right onto the other boy’s heart, which bate strong and calm.

He fell asleep feeling Yuta’s fingers card through his hair.

\---oOo---

Waking up on the following day, though, felt quite awkward.

Yuta didn’t think twice. When Taeyong walked in, late on the night before, looking teary and broken, he immediately went to comfort him.

He hated seeing him crying. It almost… yes, it hurt. Seeing Taeyong suffer was hurtful.

Taeyong was so handsome and kind. Why did it had to be that rough, for him? It was so unfair.

Light was filtering though the shutters, and Yuta believed that it was still early for the alarm. He couldn’t have checked on his phone or watch even if he wanted, though, because Taeyong was sleeping soundly, wrapped around the right side of Yuta’s body like an octopus.

The Japanese boy actually smiled, looking at him in the semi-darkness. While sleeping, Taeyong wasn’t the shy and unknowingly graceful boy he was during the day. He slept with his mouth gaping open, even letting out little snores at times, and his legs were sprawled out and twisted away from his torso in a weird pose, not pretty at all. Carefully, turning slightly, Yuta brushed Taeyong’s bangs away from his eyes, which looked still puffy from all the crying he did previously.

Such a kind soul, yet so frail.

He wondered what was the reason why he refused to eat. He didn’t think it was because he actually wanted to lose weight to look better. That was too shallow, and so incoherent with the way Taeyong usually carried himself.

There must have been another reason.

A trauma? Yuta had no idea. It was obvious, though, that something heavily bothered Taeyong, to the point that he needed to feel the relief of restricting in order to cope with that.

Yeah. That must be the reason why he avoided eating.

But what was it exactly?

“You know, I really hate seeing you like this” Yuta murmured, his voice low and barely audible, while he kept stroking Taeyong’s hair. “So broken and helpless. You deserve much better.”

But then, who was Yuta to think that way? There was no reason to fool himself. The only reason why he empathized so well with Taeyong was that he saw himself in that thin boy. The suffering little animal he was just a few years before, when his world crashed down and shattered into pieces. When he was forced to leave everything behind.

Yes. The reason why he felt so connected to Taeyong must have been nothing but that.

Because their pain was similar.

So hopelessly shallow, wasn’t it?

Yuta gently disentangled himself from Taeyong’s hold. The boy let out a small sound, but he didn’t wake up, to Yuta’s relief.

“I’ll be right back” he whispered, caressing Taeyong’s head for one last time, “don’t worry.”

He fumbled to get his phone, then he wore his flip-flops and went downstairs. Everyone was still asleep, so the common room was empty and silent.

He flopped onto the couch, scrolling through his social networks. There were many unread messages, and he checked them without expecting too much. Probably A dumped B or C and D got together, always the same shit.

It seemed like a video got shared in various chatrooms he was into. The comments below said something like “unbelievable! He looked so innocent”, or “shouldn’t we tell a teacher or something?”, “I feel like puking just looking at this”. Weird.

Yuta let the video start, and what he saw made him sit with his back straight.

He heard a rustle nearby, and he saw that Doyoung was awake too. Judging from the look on his face and from the Iphone peeking from his pocket, he must have seen the video too.

“What the fuck is going on?” Doyoung asked, in a strained voice.

“I don’t know” Yuta replied, closing the video. His stomach was twisted in pity and disgust. “But we should tell Kyungsoo.”

Doyoung grimaced. “Shouldn’t we tell him, instead? To ask what is this? He’s not a little kid.”

Yuta shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Guys, I got a weird video in the school chatroom” Mark announced, making his appearance with his phone in his hands, “please tell me that it’s a fake?”

One by one, all the boys gathered in the common room. “Is he still sleeping?”

“We should at least try telling him.”

“Get his phone first, or he will get a heart attack when he checks it.”

“I don’t think...”

Yuta was trying to make his brains work. What to do? Tell the educators? Write a message in the chatroom and tell all those commenters to fuck off and mind their own business? Ignore everything and pretend nothing happened? Maybe, after all, it really was just a fake.

But didn’t he mention getting bullied, in the past?

“Hey, guys” Taeyong asked, appearing in the staircase, “why are you all up so early?”

Before Yuta could react, Doyoung stepped in. “We all received a video, Taeyong” he stated, “and it’s about you.”


	7. Seven

Taeyong heard what Doyoung said. He heard it very clearly.

And as those words sank in, he felt like he was falling.

Falling into a bottomless pit of darkness, just like the other time. When he realized he fucked up big time and everything started falling apart.

“Did… did you watch it?”

He expected them to lie, just as everyone did back then. _Oh, no, are you kidding me, I didn’t see anything. No, why should I? As soon as I figured out what it was I deleted it immediately. It’s okay, everyone has a little secret, uh._

But then the video started spreading. And suddenly, everyone knew what Taeyong did… and knew to what extent he shamed himself.

“Yes, I watched it” Doyoung replied, quite calm in spite of everything. “But I stopped it after a while. And the others too, we talked about it before you came.”

Taeyong desperately tried breathing normally. “And…?”

“We don’t know much, but we think that this video might be the reason why you needed to switch school and get away from your home. And the reason why you keep beating yourself up, also.”

Without waiting for his reaction, Doyoung stepped forward and took Taeyong’s hand. “Listen, Taeyong. We don’t care whether you agreed to film this stuff or if someone tricked you into this. This is your private matter and you need to deal with it. But we’ll do whatever we can to prevent assholes from making fun of you, since this is causing you harm, okay?”

Taeyong blinked the tears away. “Uhm. Thanks, I...”

“No thanks” Doyoung gruffly cut him off, “the thing is, are you okay going to school later?”

_No. Oh fuck no._

Taeyong started quivering.

“Fine.” Doyoung reached out and wrapped him in a tight hug. “Taeil, go and wake Kyungsoo and Kai up. Explain everything and tell them that Taeyong can’t go to school today. Haechan and Mark, try to understand who the hell shared that video and then tell me. Yuta, give Taeyong water and bring him to your room. Jaehyun, you stay put and do nothing. And Johnny...”

“Yes?”

“Make some fucking coffee. I already have a headache.”

That last sentence, as well as Johnny’s face, made Taeyong smirk in spite of everything. The whole situation was crazy.

Yuta helped him disentangle from Doyoung’s hold (which was warm and kind of gentle, to be honest, not unpleasant at all), and actually obeyed, bringing him to their room. He let him sit on the bed and quickly poured a glass of water. “I’m fine, really” Taeyong whispered, but he was sure he didn’t sound very believable.

“I’m sure Kyungsoo will agree to let you stay here for today” Yuta murmured, “you don’t have to worry. You won’t have to see anyone, if you don’t want to.”

Taeyong nodded, not going to school was cool, but he blinked when he realized that he would be alone for the whole day until Yuta and the others came back to the foster home. And he didn’t want to talk to Minseok again… he just wished he could sleep for a hundred of years and wake up when everything would be forgotten.

“Okay” he said, and Yuta stood and quickly grabbed his clothes and went to the bathroom to change and get ready for school. Taeyong let himself fall on the bed, hiding his face into the pillow.

_Calm down. Doyoung and the others will handle the whole thing. Calm down. It’s okay. You’re secluded here and nobody will come to harm you._

Yuta came back from the bathroom. His thick hair was well-combed and tied on the nape, his uniform looked good on him. “I feel bad leaving you here all alone for today...”

“Don’t. Just go. I’ll see you later.”

Not looking convinced at all, Yuta said goodbye and went past the door. Taeyong tried listening to the other boys’ voices, which didn’t sound as loud and as cheerful as usual, and then he got lulled by the faint clattering sounds coming from the breakfast table. He kind of felt like joining them, but he knew there would be food involved and he decided to stay put until he felt the front door slamming and everything fell silent.

He felt horrible. Numb. Strangely detached from his feelings.

So… it happened. It was bound to happen, sooner or later.

All his secrets, the most shameful ones, in the end came to haunt him again.

“How could this happen?” he wondered aloud, but softly, since nobody was there to reply. “Why me?”

Someone knocked onto the door. “Hey” Kyungsoo greeted him, entering with a cup of coffee in his hands and a small plate with two cookies. “I just wanted to check on you.”

“Thanks for letting me stay.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll leave this here, okay? And you can come downstairs if you feel like talking.”

“Is Minseok here as well?”

Kyungsoo looked at him. “No. I told him to wait before coming. Or would you like talking to him now?”

Horror made Taeyong’s stomach twist. “No, no. It’s okay.”

The educator looked at him with eyes full of worry. “Would you like coming downstairs? I’ll be in my office doing paperwork, and Kai needs to switch some light bulbs and mow the lawn outside. You could watch TV or read a book… maybe it will feel less lonely.”

Taeyong just shook his head, unable to verbally turn the offer down. Kyungsoo was just being kind, but he wanted to be alone.

“Okay then. What about a nice comforting soup for lunch?”

Great, calories. Taeyong hung his head in discomfort, and this time Kyungsoo just left without adding anything. Taeyong disliked the thought of disappointing him. Kyungsoo was a good man, and he could feel that he empathized with his sufferance and understood it at a deep level, but he still refused to open up completely. He still didn’t trust him enough. And Kai was just too handsome and friendly, even if he was just as nice. Something in his kindness made Taeyong feel even more uneasy.

Now, if he just could lay on that bed and sleep forever…

A faint rustle caught his attention for a moment, but then Taeyong ignored it. It must have been the wind, he thought. But then the noise repeated itself, and the rustling turned into a tapping sound.

Taeyong propped himself on his elbow and turned towards the window, finding a smiley Yuta sitting on the sill.

\---oOo---

When Kai dropped them at school, Yuta already knew that he couldn’t leave Taeyong alone on a day like that. He couldn’t stop thinking about his roommate’s expression when they parted, about the fear in his eyes and the shame making his shoulders hunch forward. He knew those feelings, he knew them even too well.

And he knew that they were horrible to bear. And that solitude only made everything worse.

He already knew what to do, and his plan was quite simple.

“You cover up for me” he instructed Jaehyun. “Just tell the teacher that I am sick.”

The brunette boy looked at him, stoic. “Aren’t the teachers going to call Kyungsoo then?”

“Oh, I don’t think he will get mad at me.” Which was totally untrue, since Kyungsoo was pretty damn strict about school and all that stuff, but explaining that to Jaehyun was too complicated, and Yuta needed to take advantage of the fact that Doyoung, who always stuck to Jaehyun like a clam, went into the library to give some books back, so he had to be quick.

“Okay, I’ll tell the teacher” Jaehyun replied, unimpressed as usual. “Bye bye then.”

Yuta watched him go for a second, sighing internally. Jaehyun was both pitiful and frustrating, at times.

He quickly got out of school before the first bell rang and carefully avoided the janitors at the front gate, getting rid of his jacket and hiding among the cars of parents accompanying their children to school. Usually, that sight would have tugged at his heart, but not now. Now he had important things to do.

He quickly walked towards the foster home. When he got there, he peeked from behind the front wall and saw Kai mowing the lawn. The man was wearing headphones while working, and Yuta thanked God for that, because he managed to get past him when he didn’t look towards him.

It was Taeil who taught him how to climb along the gutter. In spite of his calm looks, their older brother was pretty adventurous and sometimes got out at night to meet girls. Kyungsoo and Kai didn’t know, but Yuta noticed a suspicious silhouette getting past his room’s window on one night when he couldn’t sleep, and asked him how to do that in exchange of his silence. It was a pretty complicated technique, since it involved putting your feet only on certain bricks and absolutely not looking down since it was pretty high, but it wasn’t a difficult climb overall. Slowly, Yuta got up and started going up. He was pretty athletic, even if not your usual sporty guy with muscles showing.

When he reached his and Taeyong’s room’s window, he looked through the glass. Taeyong was laying on the bed, his eyes closed, pale like paper.

Something, in his overall appearance, made Yuta shiver, because he was so still he almost looked dead.

He knocked on the glass, softly at first, then a little harder when he noticed that Taeyong didn’t move.

The boy on the bed cracked his eyes open and got up with difficulty. Yuta saw his lips move, but couldn’t hear what he said. He smiled and waved at him.

Slowly, Taeyong got on his feet and padded towards the window. “Aren’t you afraid of falling?” he croaked, when he managed to open the window.

“The trick is not looking down” Yuta said, throwing his schoolbag inside before jumping on the floor. Taeyong didn’t look good, not at all. His face was exceptionally pale, his dark circles deep. “I felt bad leaving you all alone here” Yuta admitted. “You look miserable.”

Taeyong moved to close the window, but turning on his feet made him wobble. Yuta was quick to catch him to prevent him from falling. “Wait, let’s get back to bed.”

Taeyong didn’t reply, his expression distant and vaguely confused. Careful, Yuta touched the boy’s forehead, his skin was cold. “Taeyong? Can you hear me?”

He couldn’t. While Yuta was speaking, Taeyong’s body folded up and the boy heaved onto Yuta, who gently laid him on the mattress.

Taeyong lost consciousness.

Yuta didn’t think twice. He slammed the door open and ran downstairs, shouting for Kyungsoo and Kai. He couldn’t care less about being punished for ditching school.

Taeyong was more important than that.

“What in the… what are you doing here?” Kyungsoo asked him, angered, when he saw him on the staircase. “What is going on?”

“Quick, please, Taeyong passed out!”

The educator didn’t waste time and immediately ran past him to check on the unconscious boy on the bed. Yuta was worried sick. Malnutrition? Food deprivation? Probably, Taeyong had both. And what if some of his organs were damaged? What if the situation got really serious?

And all because of some stupid bullies.

Slowly, he followed Kyungsoo, stopping on the door and watching the older man trying to wake Taeyong up with some light slaps on the boy’s cheek. Taeyong showed no reactions, and his face now was almost gray.

_Please, let him survive_.

Yuta had no idea who he was praying. He stopped praying way before that moment, when he had no hope left, when everything was too fucked up to even care.

But for Taeyong… that was different. Taeyong needed protection. He was sweet, sensitive, wounded. He needed love and support.

Behind his back, he heard Kai talking to someone on the phone, calling 911.

“He’s going to be okay, right?” he asked, but the educator didn’t reply. He patted on his head, kind as usual, but his expression was sad, and Yuta’s heart sank.

_Oh, no. No. This can’t happen._

“He’s going to the hospital, isn’t he?” he insisted. “I want to come with you.”

Kai sighed. “That’s nice of you, really. But I don’t think...”

“Please. I won’t cause trouble”

Kai opened his mouth, ready to argument further, but Yuta preceded him. “He’ll get really scared if he wakes up in an unknown place. He has trouble sleeping and always cries at night. I don’t think he should be left alone.”

“Yuta...”

“Let him come” Kyungsoo intervened. “Let him come and whatever.”

The boy stared at the other educator, hopeful. Kyungsoo was holding Taeyong’s legs up, trying to help blood flow towards his head. “But you need to prepare yourself, Yuta. He is in a very serious condition. And you already had your fair share of hospitals and gruesome stuff. Are you sure you will be okay?”

“Kyungsoo” Kai protested, “don’t be like this. He just wants to help.”

But Yuta knew what the educator meant. And frankly, he agreed with him. Kinda. But he couldn’t leave Taeyong either.

He would be an even more horrible person than what he already was, if he really did that.

“Please. Let me come.”

“Okay” Kyungsoo gave up. “You couldn’t stay here all by yourself, anyway.”

\---oOo---

_Taeyong was feeling good. He had waited to get an invitation for that party for ages, and now he was there, dressed at his best, just a little bit of makeup and with his hair done. He was aware that he looked good, and he could feel lots of eyes on him, on that night. He felt damn hot, with all those stares aiming at him._

“ _Taeyong!” William smiled at him, welcoming him with a warm hug. “I knew you would come! I was eager to see you.”_

_Taeyong was triumphant. William, the hot and crazy rich exchange student from USA, only invited his close friends to his family’s huge villa on the weekends. He was famous for the parties he threw, and for liking boys and girls equally. William was the most handsome boy Taeyong ever saw in his life, and he really liked him. It felt like a dream, when he casually bumped onto him in the corridor, dropped his bag and William, the blond Greek god himself, knelt down to help him gather his stuff. His blue eyes lingering on him, on that moment, made Taeyong’s heart swell._

_Rumors had it that William was an asshole, but Taeyong didn’t believe that. Not him. Not the beautiful William._

_He tried concentrating while the foreign boy introduced him to his friends, but their names were too complicated and he was too pretty. Every time Taeyong’s eyes met William’s, the Korean boy’s brains went overload and his mind turned blank._

_That must be why he didn’t notice how everyone looked happy, on that night. Too happy. Totally not in a normal way._

_So, when William told him to take a candy he took from his pocket, Taeyong didn’t think twice and put the small pink pill on his tongue. It tasted like nothing, and he quickly forgot about it, also because William suddenly grabbed him by the waist and pressed his body against him._

“ _I really like you” the foreigner told Taeyong, “what about having fun together?”_

_Taeyong couldn’t remember if he said yes or no, because his memories about that moment were strangely blurred. Confused. Later, he found himself getting back home on wobbly legs, since William himself drove him, making sure that he returned safely. How considerate of him, he remembered thinking. He had a headache and felt kind of sick on his stomach, but he didn’t drink much. Or not? Well, he wasn’t sure. Whatever._

_He got an awful surprise on the day after, when he went to school as usual. He immediately noticed that something felt off. Kun, his friend, was waiting for him on the stairs. “Taeyong, are you… I mean...”_

“ _What?”_

_Kun looked troubled, as if he was trying to tell Taeyong something he wished he could avoid. “I know… about what happened to the party. I’m sorry. Were… did they force you?”_

_Taeyong felt cold. And then horribly hot, and he started sweating. “Kun. What are you talking about? I had a great time, yesterday.”_

_The other boy looked at him, terrified. “You mean you can’t remember? Taeyong… there’s a video. William shared it on our class’ chatroom.”_

_Taeyong fished for his cellphone with shaking hands. On that morning, he woke up late and didn’t check on his phone. He found hundreds of unread messages, and a video shared in the KakaoTalk chatroom._

“ _No, don’t open it” Kun tried warning him, but it was too late. Taeyong was already watching it, and the little pain in his stomach suddenly became a hideous cramp._

_In the video, he was sitting on William’s lap, naked besides for his shirt, which was hanging unbuttoned from his shoulders. William was kissing him on his mouth, while his hand was between Taeyong’s legs. When Taeyong saw the little him on the screen throw his head back and moan wantonly, he gasped, and then something happened._

_His mind disconnected from his body._

_That wasn’t him (or maybe it was), that couldn’t be him (it was?). Taeyong was a good guy (he was?), he didn’t do that kind of stuff (he did?). William was his first love (the first one he had sex with) and…_

_Then, just as violently as it happened, Taeyong’s senses got back to normal. He was back at school, with Kun talking to him, trying to shake him awake from his shocked state, and people gathered around them._

_Some were just staring at him, probably pitying him. Others were wondering if it was the case to call for a teacher._

_But most of them… they were laughing. Laughing about him and how pathetically he had been made fun of._

_Since that day, Taeyong refused to go to school. He secluded himself into his room and didn’t get a gram of food. He hated his body, which was gross and prey of instincts he was unaware of. He hated his mind, which was weak and gullible._

_He hated himself._

_Oh, how he hated himself…_

\---oOo---

When he managed to open his eyes, Taeyong saw white and panicked.

“No, no. It’s alright” a voice he knew said, while a gentle hand came to caress his hair to comfort him. “It’s alright. You are safe now.”

Taeyong trashed on the bed, and he whined when he felt a needle prickling at his wrist. An IV line was connected with his veins.

“You passed out because of severe food deprivation” Kyungsoo, the foster home educator said, “Yuta called us and we managed to bring you to the hospital just in time.”

Taeyong felt confused. Yuta, Yuta who? Oh… _that_ Yuta. Sure. His roommate. Now he remembered. And he didn’t go to school on that day because…

He started shaking, and he felt tears gathering in his eyes.

“Don’t worry” Kyungsoo murmured, wiping Taeyong’s face with a tissue, “it will get better. Doyoung already found out who shared that video, the kid got suspended immediately. He will probably get kicked out of school.”

“I… did you see that video?” Taeyong breathed. He couldn’t stand the thought of those horrific frames being watched by even more people.

Kyungsoo nodded. “You were in an intoxicated state. Surely you didn’t look aware of what was happening. You aren’t to blame for anything, you are a victim of rape and sexual assault.”

Taeyong’s tears couldn’t stop flowing. He already rationally knew that, that he didn’t do anything bad, but he never really forgave himself for falling so easily into William’s trap. And he hated that deceiving body of his, who harbored instincts and passions his still naive heart couldn’t even imagine. He remembered nothing about the violence he endured, and his body didn’t bear any sign. But his mind…

“I am sorry” he whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” the educator said, in a gruff voice, but he kept stroking Taeyong’s hair for the whole time. “Stop being like this, okay? You are safe now.”

“I am sorry for… causing trouble.”

This time, even Kyungsoo couldn’t find the words to counterbait, and he just shook his head.

“Is it really bad, this time? I mean...” Taeyong struggled to find the words. “My b-body...”

“The doctors said you need to get some sugars and nutrients’ drips, but that thankfully your organs aren’t seriously damaged yet. This would be the right time to stop before compromising your health.” The educator paused, smoothing Taeyong’s fringe away from his forehead. “I think you already know that you have anorexia. And that it’s a dangerous thing, right? But you are still in time to reverse the whole process. You can still save yourself, if you want.”

Taeyong sighed. “I see. You know, when I stopped eating, I...” he stopped, unable to go on, choking on his own sobs. Kyungsoo kept stroking him, his eyes full of pity.

“I didn’t think about getting thinner or prettier or whatever. I didn’t do it because of those reasons. All I wanted to do… all I wanted was...” Taeyong was inconsolable.

“What, dear?”

“To disappear. I wanted to disappear.”

Kyungsoo stayed with Taeyong for the whole time, just listening to him crying and vent his misery. He stroked his hair, handed him some water and kept him company without wasting any unnecessary words.

What Taeyong didn’t notice, though, was the boy sitting silently on the other side of the bed, who was too scared to ruin the moment if he reached out for him and revealed his presence.

But still, Yuta heard everything. And his heart ached for Taeyong.

Because he knew those feelings. He knew them even too well.


	8. Eight

Taeyong was dreaming. It was a confusing scene involving a cat, a dog and a hamburger with arms and legs running around in circles, but what caused him to wake up was an awkward feeling of heaviness on his right arm.

He opened his eyes and squirmed, checking what was going on. A messy head of reddish hair with a half-undone ponytail was resting on his arm, and the owner was snoring soundly.

Taeyong smiled.

Yuta.

“Hey” he murmured, pushing the other boy’s head away gently, “my arm hurts.”

“Uh… _gomen nasai_ ” the other muttered, before realizing he spoke in the wrong language. “I mean… sorry. I guess I fell asleep.”

“It’s okay” Taeyong whispered. He noticed that Kai was asleep too on a chair nearby, his head reclined back and his mouth agape, a thin line of drool on his chin. It was dark outside, so Taeyong figured that Kyungsoo went to the foster home to take care of the other boys who surely came back from school. “Did Kyungsoo already go home? Why didn’t he bring you along?”

Yuta rubbed his eyes and stretched, smirking. “Now that I have such a great excuse for not going to school?”

Taeyong gave in a little laugh. Yuta smiled back.

“How are you feeling?”

“Uhm. I dreamt about a human cheeseburger running after me. Besides of that, not bad I think.”

“An interesting concept.” Without asking, Yuta took a bottle and a straw, holding it for Taeyong to drink. Communication was getting easier between them, and Taeyong liked that. Yuta was kind and considerate, now he understood fully why the other boys at The Nest all adored him.

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For saving me, I guess?”

The Japanese boy squirmed. “Oh, come on. You weren’t dying. You just fainted.”

“Kyungsoo said it could have been much worse, if you didn’t come back to check on me.” Taeyong paused, looking at the other. “Are you blushing?”

“Fuck.” Yuta cursed, scratching at his nose. “Stop being a sap, will you? I get flustered easily.”

Taeyong laughed. “Are you kidding me? When did you start being this cute?”

“You guys are so noisy” Kai protested from his chair, but getting up nonetheless to check on Taeyong. “You look better. Fancy eating something?” He asked it casually, without any implied meaning.

Taeyong pondered the question for a couple seconds, realizing that he was indeed hungry. Maybe it was because of that stupid dream, but the idea of putting food inside of his body didn’t feel unsettling at all. “Uh… if I could have a salad… let’s say a Cesar salad, with lots of chicken. And an orange.”

He craved oranges, for some unknown reasons. It almost felt like, after vocalizing the reasons why he unconsciously started restricting, he shook a big weight away from his shoulders. Food didn’t feel like an enemy anymore.

Something definitely shifted, inside of him. Like, changed for the better. Taeyong hoped it was a good thing.

“Okay. What about you, Yuta?”

“The same thing.”

“Guys… do you know that getting oranges in spring is going to be fucking difficult, right?”

The boys laughed, while the educator playfully scowled at them before leaving towards the hospital’s cafeteria.

“How do I look?” Taeyong asked, peeking around to see if there was a mirror somewhere. “I must look like a mess.”

“Oh, don’t even try. You are the only one I know who wakes up and always looks fine.”

Taeyong looked at Yuta. The boy’s eyes were puffy and he looked tired. “I’ll make up for this” he murmured, feeling guilt creep in. “I’m indebted to you.”

Yuta playfully hit Taeyong’s hand, and that ended the whole thing. Kai reappeared, complaining because he emptied his wallet, and the trio started happily eating together. The nurses scolded them because they left crumbs everywhere and spilled the salad dressing on the bed, but they just laughed it off. Taeyong was amazed at how good that simple food tasted. When the first piece of meat landed on his tongue, the well-known dreadful feeling hit as usual, but then it just faded in the background, letting him enjoy his meal.

Yuta looked at him for the whole time. Taeyong was so grateful to him. It felt as if Yuta handed him the keys to put his life back together.

Since Yuta brought him his phone, he spent the day calling his parents to update them on his health. They were dead worried since Kyungsoo told them about Taeyong’s hospitalization.

His mom cried on the phone, and Taeyong felt bad for her. It must have been all so incomprehensible for her. Of course, she knew about the mishap with William and all the shit that ensued, but rejecting food to the point of messing his own health? Taeyong’s mom and dad never fully understand that. At least, though, they were happy that he was feeling better and that the doctors declared he wasn’t in danger. They wished he could be at home with them, but frankly speaking, Taeyong didn’t really feel like getting back home. Not in that moment, at least.

Truth was, he missed The Nest.

In the evening, Taeyong insisted for Kai and Yuta to get back home, because he didn’t need any assistance for the time being. The doctors stated that he needed to stay one more night, just in case his condition worsened, but it was quite unlikely, since Taeyong felt better than ever. The night was pretty boring, since he couldn’t sleep well and even if he closed his eyes he heard noises and jolted every time, but being alone wasn’t scary at all. He felt well-grounded, at ease with himself.

Maybe the accident resetted him, turning a white page. Now Taeyong had a real possibility to heal.

The morning after, while he was enjoying a pretty damn good breakfast, Kyungsoo came to bring him home. As in, to The Nest.

It was Sunday, and everyone was gathered in the common room to greet Taeyong. Seeing the other boys cheer and run to hug him was moving, honestly. Taeyong kind of expected some ruckus, but not that sincere welcome. Everyone had been worried for him, and it clearly showed.

“Thank you guys” he whispered, his bones creaking in Haechan and Mark’s killer hug, “you are really sweet.”

Yuta greeted him last, enveloping him in a warm hug. “Welcome back, roommate.”

The only one who didn’t show any real enthusiasm, as usual, was Jaehyun, who had looked gloomy for the whole time, just distractedly patting Taeyong’s back once before sitting on the sofa and spacing out, oblivious of the loudness around.

“Is Jaehyun okay?” Taeyong asked Doyoung.

“Sort of.”

“What do you mean…?” Taeyong tried investigating, but Jungwoo snatched him away and got him involved in a trashy movie marathon. Nestled among Jungwoo and Haechan, Taeyong kept glancing towards Jaehyun while the movie was playing.

He kept looking out of it.

The day after, Taeyong took another break from school. He slept for most of the morning, after bidding Yuta good day and making sure he wouldn’t risk another reprimand for ditching school again. They slept together in Yuta’s bed, and it happened like the most natural thing ever.

Taeyong could feel his cheeks getting warmer, if he thought about that.

When the movie was over, everyone started getting ready to go to bed. Yuta and Taeyong climbed the stairs together, keeping silent. Once in their room, Yuta went to the bathroom first, locking the door as usual and getting back fully changed for the night. Taeyong liked that side of him, he was always respectful of him, always mindful not to make Taeyong upset in any way. Taeyong did the same, and when he got out of the toilet wearing his pajamas Yuta was already under the covers flipping though the pages of a book. Their eyes met for a moment, and then the Japanese boy just scooted away a little, making space for Taeyong, and the Korean boy just slipped under the covers, enjoying the warmth of the other’s body.

That proximity wasn’t exactly normal, Taeyong was aware of that. Friends just didn’t cuddle together like that. Or did they? Taeyong didn’t have many friends, even in his hometown. Kun was maybe the closest one, but he was very shy and didn’t really like skinship. At The Nest everyone seemed pretty liberal with that, and it often happened that a whole bunch of people all started casually hugging each other and snuggling on the couch. The Nest, though, was like another world, were rules were subverted.

So it didn’t really count, right?

Taeyong had a sweet breakfast with Kai, since Kyungsoo was busy doing paperwork in his office, enjoying fruit and oatmeal (he didn’t remember apples tasting that good!) and then went chilling in his room again.

Later, Minseok came to visit.

As soon as he saw him, Taeyong felt shivers run through his spine. He didn’t want to cry again, and he knew that the psychologist would make him dig unpleasant feelings.

But the man just greeted him with his soft voice. “How are you feeling? Kai says you look much better now.”

“I do” Taeyong shrugged. And that was true.

Minseok just had a chat with him. Maybe he didn’t want to unsettle him after all that happened, but Taeyong appreciated that. He wasn’t an expert, but he kind of liked the way Minseok dealt with people. He was considerate and competent, and he was sure he was a very good doctor.

He spent his day dozing off and watching Youtube videos.

It was weird, after all that time, not feeling hunger consume him and his head spin at every step. It felt as traveling to an unknown place, were things looked pretty and shiny but could hide unexpected dangers behind their surface. The overall feeling wasn’t unpleasant, though. To be honest, Taeyong felt good. It was nice, for a change, being full and cozy.

The younger boys returned from school first, and they all came to check on him. Haechan even spent some time in Taeyong’s room, talking and sharing with him his favorite channels. After some time, the elders came too. Taeyong waited for them in the common room along with Haechan, Mark and Jungwoo, and even if he was genuinely happy to see Doyoung, Yuta and the others back, his eyes immediately went to Jaehyun, who walked past the door last.

The brunette distractedly greeted Taeyong, then went straight to his room. Taeyong followed him with his eyes, worried.

“Did I offend him in some way?” he asked to Doyoung.

“Why?”

“He acts cold to me...”

“Nah, don’t pay attention to that. It’s nothing.”

Taeyong, though, wasn’t fully convinced about that. When Yuta and him went to bed, much later, he asked his roommate too.

“Uh, I don’t know. This is the usual way he carries himself, though.”

Taeyong frowned. They already prepared to sleep, and he was hugging Yuta’s midsection while listening to the peaceful beating of the other boy’s heart. “Do you really think so? I thought he looked much livelier, before.”

Yuta just held him tighter. He definitely enjoyed cuddling way more than Taeyong did, and he sometimes hogged all the blankets during the night. Taeyong found that very cute, having Yuta as a good friend was the best that could happen to him.

“Still no development between Doyoung and him?”

Yuta groaned. “Can’t you sleep? It’s late.”

“Is Doyoung okay with it? I mean, he’s very involved with Jaehyun.”

“I don’t think we should talk about their private matters.”

Taeyong acknowledged he was right, and he breathed in Yuta’s scent. “Still, I feel sorry for him. And for them. I like them both, I wish they could be happier.”

“Them both… or one of them in particular?”

Taeyong blinked. That question came unexpected. “What do you mean?”

“Sorry” Yuta apologized, “I’m tired. I must be rambling.”

“Okay. Let’s sleep now. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Taeyong closed his eyes, listening to Yuta’s heart, which seemed to be running a little faster, now.

\---oOo---

Yuta couldn’t sleep.

How could he be so stupid? He practically accused Taeyong of… of what? Of saying that he wished that his friends could be fine?

So immature. So childish.

It was quite clear, that Taeyong had a crush on Jaehyun. It showed since the beginning. Doyoung noticed that too, and that was the reason why he acted like a bitch to Taeyong at first, but the he got over it. Jaehyun, as usual, was oblivious to anything besides of what happened inside of him. Knowing them both, it was highly unlikely that anything could happen between Jaehyun and Taeyong. Taeyong was too loyal to Doyoung to make a move, and Jaehyun probably didn’t even know anything.

So… why did Yuta felt so shamelessly jealous of him?

He was quite glad, to be honest, that Taeyong was hugging him, in that moment, because if he were alone, just like before, he would be… no, he didn’t want to think about it. That was bad.

He held onto his sleeping roommate tighter, squeezing out a faint sound from him.

If only Taeyong would know. If only he could imagine to what extent he was doing Yuta good.

It felt a little scary, to be honest. Yuta loved his younger brothers at The Nest, but he never really got attached to anyone like it happened with Taeyong. Taeyong was sweet, vulnerable, needed protection just like all the others, but sometimes it felt as if it was going the other way round, as if it was Taeyong the one who was taking care of Yuta. Just like in that moment. He was helping Yuta feel grounded, pulling him out of his head and his twisted feelings.

That stupid jealousy, it was because Yuta didn’t want Taeyong to ever stop caring for him.

So. Hopelessly. Childish.

“What’s wrong?”

Yuta blinked in the dark, loosening his arms around Taeyong to let him stretch. “Oh… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He couldn’t see Taeyong’s face in the dark, but he felt the boy’s slender fingers wander on his face, touching his cheek. “Did you have a bad dream?”

Yuta didn’t trust his voice enough to reply.

A bad dream… sometimes he had the feeling that his whole life was a nightmare. With the tiny, little difference that it was the kind of dream from which he could never wake up.

Taeyong was still very sleepy, and his voice came muffled. “It’s okay. Come here.”

Without thinking, Yuta found himself complying. He made himself smaller, letting Taeyong hold him. He buried his face in the Korean boy’s neck, breathing in his calming scent. “It’s okay, it’s okay” Taeyong chanted softly, petting Yuta’s messy hair and stroking his back. “You will forget about it soon. You are safe, now.”

Yuta felt drowning. Taeyong was so sweet, so caring.

And he was totally clueless about him. He even believed Yuta was a good guy…

“I’m sorry” Yuta whispered.

“Hush” Taeyong murmured, “hush. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

He probably didn’t deserve anything of that. None of those caresses, none of that comfort.

But Taeyong’s body was warm, in spite of being so thin. And even if Yuta could feel the boy’s bones digging into his own flesh, he wanted to keep holding him.

Even if he had no right to, probably.

Slowly, listening to Taeyong’s peaceful breathing, Yuta let himself drift into sleep.

\---oOo---

Taeyong was sitting in Kyungsoo’s van, heading towards school with the others. From time to time, he glanced towards Yuta, who was strangely sitting away from him.

He didn’t remember well, but he was pretty sure that something happened to him, the night before. He was pretty sure that he woke up, at a certain moment, and that he even got a little startled because Yuta was gripping onto him very tightly, as if he wanted to hurt him. But that wasn’t the case… Yuta kept quivering for long, when Taeyong embraced him afterwards, as if he was terribly cold, or even mildly shocked.

In the morning, Yuta had been unnaturally quiet.

“Are you okay?” Taeyong asked, while getting ready.

The other didn’t reply, but he smiled lightly. A soulless smile that made Taeyong’s heart squeeze.

Yuta was fine, right?

“Listen, Taeyong” Doyoung said, pulling him out of his daydream, “if someone says anything weird to you after all that happened please just tell me, okay? I will take care of all those fuckers.”

Taeyong just patted on his friend’s thigh. “I will, thanks.” It was just his imagination, or did Yuta’s eyes follow his gesture? “I am pretty sure nobody is going to mess with me, after you got that guy expelled.”

Doyoung looked at him. “It’s amazing how much you changed” he stated, “it feels like I’m talking to a different person, right now.”

Taeyong shook his head in embarrassment, but he knew what Doyoung meant. He felt quite different as well. Much less living inside of his head, more projected towards the exterior.

And way more mindful of the others surrounding him.

“More importantly, remind me to ask you about a couple things later...”

“Yup” Doyoung replied, before getting out of the van and retrieving Jaehyun’s bag from the back. He always handed it to the brunette before entering school, carrying it for him along the stairs.

Taeyong looked at him while he did that, and he found himself smiling softly. Doyoung was so kind.

He turned to check if Yuta was waiting for him, but the Japanese boy already walked away. He was in a different class, and Taeyong wouldn’t see him until lunch.

He ended up climbing the stairs with Doyoung and Jaehyun. The brunette boy walked with his hands shoved in his pockets, and he didn’t thank Doyoung for carrying his bag.

Taeyong checked the time on his phone, and when he turned towards his friends again, he noticed that Jaehyun suddenly froze, a foot lifted in mid-air, and that he was blinking very quickly.

“Uh… are you okay?” Taeyong asked, but he was immediately pushed away from Doyoung, who was quick to catch Jaehyun before he lost balance and fell on the stairs.

“Fuck, it’s a crisis.”

“A crisis? What kind of crisis?” Taeyong didn’t understand, but Doyoung wasn’t paying attention to him. He was focused just on his love, who went rigid all of a sudden and kept blinking madly. Before Taeyong’s scared eyes, Jaehyun started trembling.

“It’s okay, babe, it’s okay” Doyoung said, letting Jaehyun and his bags fall and grabbing Jaehyun in a rough hold. The brunette’s boy’s gaze was fixed, and he obviously couldn’t hear anything that was being said in that moment. He kept staring into nothing, eyes unfocused and glazed, jerking violently in Doyoung’s hold.

Taeyong looked at them, terrified. That didn’t qualify as a small crisis anymore… that was a big one. He fished for his phone in spite of his shaky hands, ready to call Kyungsoo, but then Jaehyun emitted a tiny sound.

“Yes, yes, it’s me” Doyoung whispered, stroking the boy’s hair. “It’s alright. Come back to me. Good, good. Just like that. Good boy.”

Slowly, Jaehyun’s gaze regained his focus, and his pupils started moving again. The trembling subsided, and the boy leaned against Doyoung, totally spent. He was drooling, and his spit formed a stain on Doyoung’s immaculate shirt.

Willing to help, Taeyong got a tissue and cleaned Jaehyun’s face. The boy was sweating, and now that he regained consciousness he was panting as if he ran the marathon.

“What’s going on?” Johnny asked, appearing mid-stairs. “Another one?”

Jaehyun straightened his back, disentangling himself from Doyoung’s arms. “Yup, already over.” His speech was slurred, but he looked mostly okay, now. He bowed his head to Taeyong to thank him for the tissue, then confidently climbed the stairs towards the other boy and reached towards his classroom along with Johnny, who glanced at them worriedly before following him.

Taeyong was left with Doyoung, who was sitting on the steps, looking devastated.

Doyoung shook his head. “Fuck. We are so going to be late for class.”

“Screw that. Are you okay?”

“I’m obviously not, but I need distraction.”

When they got there, though, they found out that Literature Class got canceled because the teacher was sick. The two boys found themselves heading for the school garden, and when they reached a quiet corner, Doyoung pulled out a cigarette from a pocket.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t anymore, really. Just from time to time, when I need to calm down.”

Taeyong stared at him blowing smoke away. For some reason, he kept remembering the way Doyoung desperately held Jaehyun, pressing his lips on the brunette’s crown and whispering words of comfort that the other couldn’t even hear.

“So… is he epileptic?” Taeyong asked. “Is this why you never leave him alone?”

“It’s complicated.” Doyoung paused, inhaling deeply. Taeyong watched him worriedly, thinking of his old addict habits. “He has high-functioning autism. Epilepsy happens from time to time. He started having crises since he entered adolescence, and until his hormones and stuff aren’t settled, he won’t stop.”

“Fuck.”

Now everything made much more sense, Taeyong thought. That was why Jaehyun always looked so detached from his own feelings, why he perpetually looked oblivious of his surroundings, why he never showed empathy.

“It must be tough, for you.”

“For me?” Doyoung cackled. “Not really. For him, maybe. He was born into a wealthy family who saw him as a disgrace since he’s obviously unable to carry on the business. His own father used to beat him to a pulp. He came here because the house maid one day called the cops.”

Taeyong blinked. He had no idea that Jaehyun’s gorgeous looks hid such a painful story.

“He’s lucky he met someone like you, then.”

Doyoung shrugged. “He saved me. I owe this to him.”

“What do you mean?”

Doyoung looked up, towards the sky. His eyes were full of tears, and he was trying his best not to spill them. “When I came to The Nest, I didn’t care for anything besides of getting my daily drugs. I tried everything… running away at night, selling my stuff, shit, I even made a profile on Craiglist to sell my ass. Never really met anyone though, because I got scared and didn’t go that far. But I truly was a beast. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I just wanted my Coke.”

Taeyong looked away while Doyoung wiped his face. His friend’s pain had to be respected.

“Then, Jaehyun came” Doyoung went on. “He was full of bruises, but he was the prettiest boy I ever met before. I suspect Kyungsoo made him room with me because he knew he couldn’t be left alone and I needed someone to keep me company too. He instructed me about how to deal with his crises, and I remember I took that task really seriously. So seriously that it became my purpose of life, literally. After a while, taking care of Jaehyun distracted me from my perpetual search for drugs, and when I started having feelings for him...” the boy’s voice trailed off, and Taeyong took his hand and squeezed it hard.

“Don’t hold my hand like that. Makes us look gay.”

Taeyong smiled. Doyoung never lost his sass, and he liked him because of that too. “You are a generous and brave man” he declared.

“Yup, and who loves someone who will never reciprocate.”

“Did you ever tell him…?”

Doyoung shrugged. “Out of desperation, I asked Xiumin about it. I was afraid I could harm him in some way, if I carelessly threw my confession to him, and he sort of agreed with me. He said that Jaehyun might not be able to properly hand a relationship.”

“But he said he _might_ ” Taeyong made him notice, “so you could not know until you actually confess.”

“I don’t want to harm him” Doyoung insisted. “I devoted myself to protect him. It’s all I can do, right now.”

Taeyong, who kept holding the other’s hand in spite of everything, pondered those words. It was a chivalrous, romantic statement, and he made him love Doyoung even more as a precious friend.

“Is his condition irreversible?”

“Idiot. Autism isn’t an illness. You can’t heal.”

“But you said it might be worse right now because of his growth and hormonal imbalance and whatever?”

“Xiumin makes him see a Neurologist from time to time, and this guy said that yeah, it might sort of stabilize, or even improve. There are certain medicines that could help with the epilepsy, and therapy could make him feel better around people. But I don’t know.”

Taeyong stroked Doyoung’s hand with his thumb. “I am sure it will get better. Have a little faith.”

“What are you, a priest?”

Taeyong smiled. “Yeah, a very skinny one.”

They both laughed it off. Taeyong was sure that his uniform would smell like smoke later, but he didn’t care.

They spent the rest of the time laying on the grass, looking at the clouds.

“May I ask you a thing?”

“What?” Doyoung asked.

“What is Yuta’s story? How did he end up at The Nest?”

Doyoung propped on an elbow. “Why? Is he okay?”

Taeyong pouted. “I don’t know. He is always very nice to me. But last night, I got the impression that he hides something big. And that he...”

“He what?”

“That he hurts. As if something torments him.”

Doyoung sighed, letting himself fall onto his back again. “I don’t know either. He’s exactly as you said… he is nice to everyone, but he never really accepts other’s help, and he never really lets anyone too close. The way he acts to you, it’s kind of new. He never really got involved with anyone, before you came.”

Taeyong frowned. “Involved? What do you mean?”

Doyoung smacked Taeyong’s forehead. “He likes you, dummy. It shows.”

Taeyong stopped breathing for a second.

Yuta liked him? How in the world…?

“May I ask you a thing? A very selfish kind of?” Doyoung said, “Please, don’t let him down, if you care for him. He needs to find someone who could support him. I don’t know much about his struggles, but I am sure he endured too much until now. If you are willing to, please, I beg you, stay by his side.”

The bell rang, and they had to rush back to class. Still, Taeyong couldn’t concentrate on anything, because Doyoung’s words kept repeating into his head.

If it was true, that Yuta liked him, what were Taeyong’s feelings towards him?

Later, they met with the others for lunch. Taeyong was more than just happy to see that Jaehyun looked fine as usual, as if that morning nothing happened. Yuta wasn’t anywhere, though.

“Where is he?” he asked Taeil.

“He said he was going to grab a bite by himself, on the roof.”

Taeyong parted with the others after getting a sandwich and a bag of cookies from the cafeteria lady. He climbed the stairs, and reached the rooftop.

A few people was gathered in small groups, and it wasn’t difficult to spot the only guy that was sitting alone, his lunch untouched on the ground beside him.

Without talking, Taeyong joined him. Yuta realized about his presence and raised his gaze. “Oh, hey. What are you doing here?”

“Another nightmare?”

Yuta stared at him, eyes like bottomless pits of darkness. Those words hit home, and Taeyong just sat next to him.

Very close to him, actually.

Yuta got scared. He backed away a little, watching Taeyong worriedly. “What are you… I am fully awake.”

“It’s okay. I’ve come to get you.”

Yuta kept staring at him, unable to speak. Taeyong snuggled closer, circling Yuta’s waist with his arm. “Just like you did to me. You came to get me when I was lost. Now it’s my turn.”

Yuta gasped. People was staring, but he was oblivious to everything, in that moment. Taeyong felt the boy’s eyes on him, and on him only.

“It’s okay” he whispered, stroking Yuta’s cheek, “it’s okay, now. I’m here with you.”

Yuta’s lower lip trembled. “You don’t know anything” he croaked, “you don’t know what you are getting into. That’s sweet of you, but...”

Taeyong leaned over and kissed the boy’s cheek. His skin was cool and slightly damp, but his scent was nice as usual.

“Let’s get away from this lonely place, shall we?”

Yuta’s protests subsided. His face was flushed, and he kept holding his cheek, touching where Taeyong kissed him.

“Do I deserve it…?” he murmured, so quietly that Taeyong could barely hear, “your kindness? I might end up hurting you.”

Taeyong kissed his hand, grabbed it to move it away a little and then kissed Yuta’s face again before pressing his nose against his cheek. “I can’t stand to see you miserable. You deserve the world.”

Yuta took a shaky breath. He let Taeyong pull him by the hand and bring him away from the rooftop. They joined the others, who avoided asking stupid questions even if they noticed that they came holding hands.

Yuta and Taeyong silently consumed their lunch, sitting next to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: I love this chapter ç_ç


	9. Nine

Yuta kept holding Taeyong’s hand for the whole trip back home.

Nobody ever came to check on him, when he told the others that he wanted to be alone. Maybe it was just because they respected and trusted him, but nobody ever, ever came to find him in one of those moments.

Nobody, besides Taeyong, ever wondered if Yuta was telling the truth or was just shamelessly lying, hoping instead that someone would come to collect him. Him and his wandering thoughts, him and his bundle of shame, loneliness, apathy.

Just that bony, frail boy understood him on a deeper level. That was why Yuta refused to let Taeyong’s hand go.

Taeyong was precious like that. He was different from everyone else.

Once at the foster home, everybody scattered around to do their task of cleaning or making dinner, and Taeyong was supposed to mop the corridor and the staircase. Yuta actually had to do something else, but he just tagged along, unwilling to leave Taeyong’s side.

“Can we switch for today?” he asked Jungwoo, who was supposed to help Taeyong, “you’ll get to cook with DO instead.”

Of course, Jungwoo was happy to hear that, since he hated cleaning, and he happily hopped towards the kitchen.

Taeyong was retrieving the bucket and cleaning stuff from a cabinet, and Yuta appeared to take the bucket from his hands.

“I will do it.”

“Okay” Taeyong smiled, a little shyly, and grabbed a cleaning spray bottle to start polishing the doorknobs and other things. Yuta filled up the bucket and started energetically mopping the floor. For a while, nobody spoke and the tension between them just kept increasing.

“About what happened earlier...”

“Yeah?”

“Uh… are you… are you feeling better?”

Yuta looked at Taeyong. He rolled up his sleeves to avoid getting his shirt wet, and his arms were thin like sticks. Just seeing him like that made Yuta feel like reaching out and hold him close.

_Here I am, being clingy as an idiot_.

“Yes” Yuta smiled, pretending those thoughts weren’t there. “Thanks.”

“What happened exactly? I have been wondering...”

Yuta sighed.

_Nothing. And everything_.

“Sometimes I just need a little time alone.”

Taeyong looked relieved. “Everybody does, right?”

Yuta smiled lightly and fidgeted with the mop. “Uhm...”

“Yes?”

“Nevermind. It’s a stupid question.”

“No, I want to hear it.”

“Okay.” Yuta fixed his hair. He was feeling nervous. “About what happened earlier between us…”

Taeyong’s face instantly turned crimson. Their gazes met for a split second of perfect silence, then Taeyong started talking at crazy speed.

“Uh, that. Uh… I’m sorry if you are feeling weird about it, I mean, I should have asked first, you know, but oh my God, I was there and you seemed so sad, I couldn’t stand seeing you like that and you know, I wasn’t thinking and God in Heavens I’m so sorry...”

“Yong. It’s okay” Yuta gently interrupted him. “I liked it.”

“Oh.” The boy’s face was still red. “Okay then. I’m happy to hear that. I was starting to freak out.”

Hesitatingly, Yuta took a few steps towards him. Taeyong was about to add something, but he instantly shut up when he saw him coming closer. The way his cheeks were flushed red was the cutest thing Yuta ever saw in his life. Now that he was closer, Yuta noticed that there was a little scar, a barely noticeable one, on Taeyong’s face, near his brow.

He reached out and touched it gently. Taeyong stilled and let out a shaky breath. The silence was deafening.

“Uh… it’s hideous, isn’t it? I had a skin rash when I was younger.”

“It looks like a rose.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened. He stared at Yuta, openly watching him to see if he was lying. “What… a rose?”

“Yes. It suits you.”

Taeyong sighed. “Wow. I have goosebumps. Nobody ever… wow.”

Yuta’s fingers were still on his face. Taeyong’s skin was warm beneath his fingertips, smooth as silk. And that little imperfection, that really looked like a tiny rose, just added character to his natural beauty.

“You are so handsome” Yuta whispered. “When you arrived at The Nest, I couldn’t stop looking at you. It’s your eyes. They are so captivating.”

Taeyong couldn’t tear his eyes away from Yuta’s. “Yeah?”

He looked confused, as if he didn’t understand why Yuta said something like that. Feeling a little bold, even if he could hear his own heart pound loudly in his ears, Yuta let his hand slide a little down, cupping gently Taeyong’s face. His bones, under the perfect skin, seemed frail like seashells.

Slowly, Yuta leaned over and placed his mouth on Taeyong’s cheek, pursing his lips slightly. “Thanks for before. I really needed it, and you understood me perfectly.”

Taeyong wanted to say something, so he moved his head a little… and his mouth bumped against Yuta’s.

“Ow! Oh, I’m so s-sorry. I didn’t...”

“It’s okay, are you hurt?”

“No, and you?”

“Nope.”

“Haha.”

Yuta smirked. Taeyong was so cute, but Yuta didn’t want to force him to do anything he didn’t want to. His past rape trauma was still there, he was sure of that, and he didn’t want to elicit any bad memory with an inappropriate behavior.

“Is it okay if I kiss you for real?”

Taeyong raised his gaze and looked at him intensely. “I kissed you first, no?”

Yuta caressed his cheek. “Is it okay?”

Taeyong shivered. “Yes. Absolutely.”

Yuta paused. Taeyong’s eyes shut closed, and kept breathing heavily. In spite of his words, he wasn’t at ease with the situation.

So, even if his whole self wanted to hold Taeyong close and not let him go, he chose to respect him.

He bent slightly, took Taeyong’s slender and damp hands in his own and kissed his knuckles.

Taeyong opened his eyes, surprised, and Yuta smiled softly. “Let’s take it easy, shall we? No need to rush.”

Taeyong’s face spoke for him, because the relief twisted his features in a way that made Yuta’s heart ache. “Sorry” the Korean boy murmured, “I reached out to you first, but I think I-I’m not r-ready t-to… to progress any further...”

“It’s okay” Yuta reassured him, “really. It’s okay.”

Taeyong tried smiling, and he entwined his fingers with Yuta’s. “So...”

“So?”

“What are we now?”

Yuta pondered the question. There was a deep connection between Taeyong and him, but they weren’t boyfriends yet. Or even, a couple.

Anyway, were words really needed?

“Me is me and you is you. We’re just us.”

Taeyong chuckled. “What a clever reply.”

“But it’s the truth, right?”

“It is.”

They looked at each other, eyes into eyes, and they both laughed. Spontaneously, Taeyong threw his arms around Yuta’s neck.

“Thank you” he added.

Slowly, Yuta collected Taeyong in a gentle hug. His body was hard and warm underneath his clothes.

Suddenly, he was hit by a very weird feeling. What would he be doing in that moment, if Taeyong never came to The Nest?

He would probably be alone in his room, staring outside of the window, or with the others doing some useless stuff.

But he would never feel the same way… satisfied, content, even… kind of happy.

“No” Yuta said, rather solemnly, “thank _you_.”

_For easing my solitude. For breaking my hard surface. For letting me hold you like this. And for distracting me from my own negative self._

Light as a feather, he brushed some hair away and kissed Taeyong’s temple.

\---oOo---

Later, Taeyong was watching TV along with the others, but he couldn’t concentrate on the show, since his head was full of confusing thoughts. Yuta already went to bed, claiming to be tired. He shot a little glance towards Taeyong before going, but Taeyong’s mouth suddenly went dry and he just managed to beckon a little and watch him go.

After that little moment during cleaning time, they didn’t really talk. Beforehand, it came natural to Taeyong, to reach out and take care of Yuta when he isolated himself from the rest of the group, because he sincerely hated seeing him sad.

But now that he thought about it, he suddenly realized that he still knew nothing about Yuta Nakamoto.

Absolutely nothing.

Why did he came to The Nest? Where was his family? And why did he have nightmares and kept saying negative things about himself?

What happened to him?

Taeyong wanted to help him, but he didn’t know how. He had the feeling that simply asking wasn’t the right thing to do.

Also, there was another thing… he genuinely liked Yuta. Yuta was sweet, gentle. Yuta was handsome.

And that felt a little scary, to be honest. Was it okay, for someone like Taeyong, harbor that kind of feeling, after what he endured in the past few months? Wasn’t it too early?

What was wrong with him?

“Need some dating advice?” Mark suddenly asked, startling him.

“Uh? Dating? I don’t think… what the hell are you asking?!”

Could perhaps what Yuta and him were doing be considered dating? He wasn’t so sure about that.

“Oh, come on” Haechan intervened, throwing an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders, “we all noticed the sparkles of sexual tension between you and Mr Nakamoto.”

“The heck are you s-saying...”

Haechan looked at him solemnly. “Sparkles, I said. If you need some dating advice, then there’s only one person to look for.”

“Uh?” Taeyong wondered. “And who is he?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you… Mr Moon Taeil!”

Taeyong looked at Taeil, perplexed, not paying attention to Mark cheering in the background. He never really talked to the oldest of the boys, before, but he always acted friendly towards him. He was a quiet guy, who never really stood out. “Uh?”

“It might not look like that” Jaehyun intervened, “but he collects boyfriends like butterflies.”

Doyoung swatted him on his arm. “Pay attention to the movie and don’t get involved in this stuff.”

“It’s true, though!” Jungwoo stated, happily barging in, “he’s so famous at school.”

“Really?” Taeyong was skeptical. Taeil just looked at him with a tiny smirk, and then, all of a sudden, blinked.

Taeyong felt his face turn red.

“See? What did I say?” Mark insisted. “Ask him for advice!”

“This is bullshit” Doyoung said, “leave Taeyong be, you idiots. He’ll do what he wants.”

“Did you guys already get physical?” Taeil suddenly asked, and Taeyong’s head kind of exploded.

“No… uhm… we… err...”

“Yuta is quite a touchy person, I think. How do you feel about that?”

It was a surprisingly considerate question, and Taeyong calmed down. That was the real problem, actually.

He already realized it by himself, to be honest. Yuta initiated many skinship moments with him, holding him, even inviting him in his bed to sleep together. It was quite obvious that he enjoyed physical closeness and didn’t have any problems with that.

But for Taeyong…

“I don’t think I am ready to… go any further than hugging and...”

Taeil nodded. “Take it slow. Yuta will understand. Did you talk to him about this?”

Taeyong slowly shook his head no.

“You should do it” Taeil suggested, encouragingly. “I am sure he will understand.”

“Won’t he be… disappointed in me?”

“Why? He is so into you, and he knows that happened to you. I’m sure things will work out for you guys. Just be a little patient. Have fun.”

“Fun?”

“Yes. Do things together. Talk a lot. This is all it takes.”

Taeyong sighed. Then Taeil was really a dating expert, after all.

He stood and bowed deeply. “Thank you, older brother.”

“You are welcome. Good luck!”

Taeyong told the others goodnight and dashed upstairs. Suddenly he couldn’t wait to see Yuta.

Truth was, he was so centered on his own fears that he didn’t even realize to what extent he missed having him by his side.

“Hey” Yuta greeted him, when he got in their room. The Japanese boy was sitting at his desk, probably trying to study, but judging from the doodles on the pages he had trouble concentrating. “How was the movie?”

Slowly, Taeyong sat on his bed. “Can we talk?”

Yuta looked at him, worried. “Is something wrong?”

Taeyong shook his head. “Just… talk. Like, literally. Since we are, you know, getting closer. I want to know you better.”

Yuta blinked. “Oh. Okay. What, uhm, what do you want to know?”

Taeyong sensed that something wasn’t alright. Yuta seemed uncomfortable. Maybe Taeil’s advice wasn’t that good, after all?

“How did you come here? What is your story?”

Yuta stilled, and Taeyong couldn’t read his expression. “I’m sorry to ask so bluntly” he explained, “but really, I like you. A lot. But I still feel there’s so much I don’t know about you. Sometimes, I can see that you are sad about something, and this makes me sad too. I just wish I could help you, just like you helped me.”

Yuta averted his gaze. “It’s nice of you” he murmured.

Taeyong didn’t insist. It was obvious, that Yuta wasn’t about to say anything. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell. But I needed to ask anyway… does it make sense?”

“It does” Yuta said. “It really does. You have every right to… to know me better. But...”

“Another thing.”

“What?”

“I enjoyed when you held me, beforehand. And I enjoyed also… uhm… kisses. Or is it pecks? Oh my God” Taeyong covered his face. “It’s so embarrassing.”

Finally, Yuta let out a snort. “Embarrassing, yes. It is.”

Somehow, tension between them lifted. “I want to be honest with you” Taeyong went on, “I like being with you and I think you are a lovely person, but I still feel uncomfortable when things get, uh, too physical.”

Yuta’s gaze was warm. “Yes. I understand.”

“Thanks.”

“Did… did I do something that made you feel bad?”

“No. You were very respectful of me, and I appreciated that. Just…” Taeyong sighed. “Just please, be patient with me. I still need a bit of time.”

Yuta nodded. “Sure.”

Without thinking, Taeyong reached out and grabbed Yuta’s hand. “If you are okay with that, can we… d-date?”

Yuta snorted again, but softly. “I’ll be glad to. You know, I really like you too.”

Taeyong’s heart was racing madly in his chest. “Then, please, take care of me. In exchange, I’ll take care of you. Deal?”

“Deal.”

And Yuta’s little smile was the cutest thing Taeyong had ever seen in his life.


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for self-harm and potentially triggering writing. Please take care.

“So, how is life lately?” Minseok asked. “Something you want to tell me?”

Taeyong shrugged. At first, he thought therapy was a pain in the ass, since he stressed before, during and after, usually crying his eyes out or staring mindlessly at the fucking journal where Minseok asked him to write every day. Lately, though, it started to feel a little better. He could feel that Minseok was helping him, even if he wouldn’t be able to rationally explain how and to what extent.

“Hmm… when I’ll be able to see my family? I mean, not in video. Like, in person.”

The therapist looked at him. “Do you miss them?”

Taeyong shrugged again. “I think… no, I’m sure of it. I definitely miss them, yes.”

“This is good!”

“But, I’d like to get back home. Just once a week, do you think it’s possible? It makes me uncomfortable, thinking that Haechan or Jungwoo would see me meeting my mom and dad here, while they have no family. I don’t want to make them feel bad.”

Minseok seemed surprised and pleased by him. “This is very thoughtful of you. To be honest, I don’t see any problem with that.”

“It’s not that I want to leave this place” Taeyong quickly added. “I don’t think I am ready for that right now. There would be too many bad memories at home, you know. It scares me a little… but I think it might help me heal too. Little by little. I might start with one day a week, then, I don’t know, increase the time spent there a bit?”

“I’m really proud of you” Minseok said. “You are making incredible progress.”

Taeyong found himself smiling. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Another thing.”

“Uh?”

“May I ask someone to come with me?”

Minseok nodded. “I’m sure Kai won’t mind coming with you. He could drive you there...”

Taeyong pursed his lips. “Oh, sure, that would be great. But I was thinking something more like… uh… one of the other boys.”

“Do you have someone in mind in particular?”

Taeyong fidgeted with his hands a little before answering. “I’d like to bring Yuta with me. Only if he agrees, of course.”

Minseok’s expression suddenly turned darker. “Taeyong” he stated, “this is really nice of you, but I don’t think Yuta might… benefit of anything like this.”

“It’s only that he’s always so lonely. Nobody ever calls him, nobody seeks for him. Also, lately he looks down to me. More than usual, if I might say. I don’t know if it’s just me paying more attention to him than before, but he has trouble sleeping at night. Sometimes he trashes around, sometimes he whimpers something that I can’t understand in his native language. Sometimes he screams.” Taeyong paused. “I know you aren’t allowed to tell me anything, but I think that he is going through a difficult time. Maybe some distraction… I mean, my family are nice people. I guess.”

“I’m sure that they are.”

Taeyong sighed. “I won’t ask him to do anything unless you tell me it’s safe. I don’t want to hurt him. But I also want to help.”

Minseok nodded. “I’ll think about it. I need to talk to Kyungsoo and Kai first. And probably to Yuta as well. This is a very delicate matter.”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome, dear. We’ll see each other soon.”

Taeyong walked out of the small room where Minseok hosted the boys for their therapy sessions, and he reached straight for the kitchen, where Doyoung and Jaehyun were chopping cabbage leaves under Kyungsoo’s supervision. “Hey” the educator greeted him.

“Hey.” Taeyong grabbed a glass from the kitchen cabinet and poured himself some water. He always got thirsty after therapy, maybe because he usually cried some, but not enough to justify dehydration. Maybe he did cry though, like inside of his head. Or his heart, or whatever. Maybe water eased those tears, those who were invisible.

Doyoung was staring at him, probably sensing that something wasn’t alright, but Taeyong smiled at him, hoping he wouldn’t ask anything. The other boy got the message, but kept looking at him, worried.

Jaehyun, though, didn’t notice anything. “So, how was therapy?”

“What the fuck!” Doyoung exploded, swatting the other’s arm while Taeyong froze, “This is not something you are supposed to ask!”

“No?” Jaehyun replied, mindlessly massaging his offended arm.

“No, you fucker. This makes you look insensitive.”

Thankfully, Kyungsoo intervened. “Doyoung, language. Why don’t you get in the garden for a while, Taeyong? It’s still warm outside. Dinner won’t be ready before one hour or so.”

“Yuta is in the garden too” Jaehyun informed him, and Taeyong blushed wildly while this time Doyoung hit the brunette’s head.

“Ow!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Taeyong was quick to get out before Doyoung would start reproaching Jaehyun again, and he stepped outside. Kyungsoo was right, it was a sunny late afternoon, and the weather was still warm. Haechan, Taeil and Johnny improvised a soccer match, and they kept complaining to Mark, who was a terrible goalkeeper. The whole scene made Taeyong smile wide, until he saw Yuta, waving at him from his referee position.

“Hey” the Japanese boy greeted him, holding a shiny whistle in his right hand. “Are you okay?”

Taeyong felt the corners of his mouth turn softer while he slowly took in the image of Yuta standing against the reddish sky, sunlight playing with his bleached hair. Without thinking, Taeyong got closer and stood next to him.

“Yep.”

Yuta smiled, one of his precious, close-mouthed smiles, where his eyes narrowed and creases appeared around them. Taeyong wanted to hug him so badly, but he didn’t dare in front of other people.

“But how are you?” he asked. “You are sleeping so little, lately.”

Yuta kept smiling. “Oh, that. I’m used to it, it doesn’t affect me much during the day. Don’t worry.”

Taeyong looked at him. He was sure he was lying. “No TV tonight. Let’s get to bed early, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Or...”

“Or?”

“We might go somewhere. Get distracted. Are we allowed to go on walks around the block?”

Yuta shrugged. “Yes, we are, but it’s usually better staying at home. There’s nothing much around, besides of the ice cream parlor or the arcade, and I’m not a gamer, so...”

“Hmm.”

Suddenly, Yuta looked upset. “Are you thinking about going away?”

“No, no. Why should I?”

“Oh, sorry. I got scared for a moment, haha. Sorry.”

Taeyong reached out and grabbed Yuta’s hand. In front of them, Johnny scored a goal and Yuta forgot to blow his whistle. “I’m not leaving you” Taeyong whispered.

“Oi, referee! The heck are you doing?!”

Yuta blew full-force, but squeezed Taeyong’s hand back.

Later, they all had dinner together. Yuta stuck to Taeyong’s side for the whole time, and as they agreed previously, they went in their room shortly after cleaning up the table.

It became a habit, for them, to go to sleep together in the same bed, and it happened on that night too, with no exception. Taeyong got ready first, then waited for Yuta to grab his night clothes, get in the bathroom to wash up and change, and then come back.

It was a quite strange routine, now that he thought about it. At first he didn’t pay much attention, since things were pretty awkward between Yuta and him, but now that he knew Yuta better, he knew that the Japanese boy wasn’t so shy to justify a behavior like that.

“Are you embarrassed of me?” he asked.

Yuta turned towards him, startled. “Me?”

“Do I… make you uncomfortable? There’s no need to go change in the bathroom every time, you know. If you don’t want me to look, you can just ask, and I won’t do it.”

Yuta looked troubled by that statement. “No, it’s okay.”

Taeyong looked at him. His eyes were dark and deep. “I’d like to go home, one of these days” he said. “To see my family.”

Yuta didn’t move. He looked frozen, the sweater he had been wearing previously still hanging from his elbow. “Okay” he replied. “Nice.”

Taeyong’s heart was racing. “What are your feelings about it?”

Yuta snorted, and draped the sweater on his desk’s chair. “You talk like Minseok. How should I feel? I think it will be nice for you.”

“May I hug you?”

Yuta turned, startled. That question took him by surprise, and Taeyong stood, approaching him slowly. “I really wish to hold you right now.”

“Come here.”

Taeyong gathered the boy in his arms, letting him embrace his waist. For a while, nobody spoke, and they just held each other. Taeyong put his temple onto Yuta’s shoulder, feeling his pulse and the warmth of his bare skin under the worn-out shirt he was wearing.

“Come on, ask it.”

“Ask what?”

“Where is my family.”

Taeyong raised his gaze to meet Yuta’s. “No.”

“But you were right, previosly” the Japanese boy protested, “you know nothing about me. And I’m glad of that, because it’s not a nice story. I don’t have a family as pretty as yours. My life, before coming here, was...”

He violently stopped, eyes wide. He had been about to spill something, but now he froze again. Taeyong tried reading into his expression. Shock? Trauma? Did someone beat him? Did Yuta have scars on his body that he didn’t want to show?

He felt his heart sinking. Nobody had the right to lay a hand on Yuta.

“I know I asked previously” he slowly replied, “but I am not doing it now. If you don’t want to tell, you must have your reasons, and I’ll respect them.”

Yuta blinked. “But, this is not fair.”

“This is not fair, but you won’t tell anyway, right?”

Yuta closed his eyes. “Taeyong, I’m sorr--”

Taeyong was quick to shut Yuta’s mouth with his palm. “Shut up. No apologizing.” He reached out to stroke the other’s hair. “No need to. As I said, I won’t ask.”

Yuta’s eyes were begging him, but he didn’t understand why. Did Yuta want him to keep going, helping him to vent out his problems? Or did he really mean what he said, basically asking Taeyong to mind his own business and leave him be?

Taeyong took Yuta’s hands. “As I said, I wish to visit my family at my house. But I also asked Minseok’s permission to let you come with me.”

“With… with you?”

“Yes.” Taeyong brought Yuta’s knuckles to his lips. “My family isn’t anything special, but they are cute. Mom cooks well, dad will surely brag about his garden and stuff, my older sister has a baby and she’ll surely bring him too. They’ll cook tons of food” he involuntarily shivered at that thought, “they’ll be noisy and ask questions, but they are good people.”

“You have a nephew” Yuta exhaled. His expression was unreadable.

“It won’t be as nice as a real vacation, of course” Taeyong quickly added, “but I’d love you to come. I want to introduce you to our dog, to my nephew. My sister is a little bit too perfect for her own sake, but she’s cool. I want you to meet people, to get out of this place, which is so nice, but can get suffocating after a while. I want to see your face when you see my bedroom, and my stuffed animals, and my old house on a tree. Dad made it for me and my sister when we were little, but it’s still there. Please, come.”

Yuta opened his mouth, ready to protest, but Taeyong interrupted him. “Come.”

Taeyong could see the inner struggle going on behind Yuta’s motionless facade. And he was rooting for him for the whole time, to win against his demons, whatever could their appearance be.

“Okay” Yuta whispered in a small voice after a long silence. “I’ll be glad to come with you.”

Taeyong screamed and threw his arms at Yuta, who gasped and almost fell, but they somehow managed standing and ended up laughing together.

Their noses brushed one against each other, their breaths mingled, and their minds gave up the strict control over their deepest feelings.

Their lips, for a split second, almost met.

“Let’s go to bed, now” Taeyong whispered, still giggling. Yuta smiled back, still holding him.

“Yes.”

\---oOo---

Yuta was tense. Beyond tense, actually.

More like, terrified.

At the end, Minseok allowed Taeyong to bring Yuta along during his trip home, but of course Kai would be the one driving them. It was just an afternoon and dinner spent in someone else home, nothing to be worried about. Maybe Yuta should really stop walking on eggshells about everything, right?

What amused and moved him at the same time, though, was that Taeyong was actually even more worried than him about getting home. After convincing him to come, he suddenly became more conscious about his household.

“My mom nags a lot” he warned him, while they were travelling in Kai’s car, together in the backseat. “She is a housewife, all she does is staying at home, cooking, cleaning and doing stuff for church with her friends. My dad works for an insurance company, he doesn’t talk much, but he is a good guy. Overall. I guess. Sister is… uh, you’ll see when you meet her, she is so fucking effortlessly pretty, she doesn’t even need to comb her hair to look good, while her son is a little demon, don’t let him grab a handful of your hair or he will surely tear them off! Also...”

“Wow, they sound cool.”

“They do?!” Taeyong looked perplexed and worried at the same time. “Fuck, I just really hope they won’t harass you with stupid questions and ask you to pray before the meal or...”

“Taeyong?”

“Uh?”

“It will be fine, don’t worry. Smile.”

Taeyong sighed, and once again Yuta marveled about how a few words coming from him could impact his reactions. Taeyong was so strong and generous, but he always needed reassurance. He was frail and hard at the same time, like a precious glass.

Now, if Yuta himself only meant what he said…

Kai’s navigation app buzzed. “Just a few minutes and we will be there, guys. Excited?”

“Yes” Taeyong replied, and his hand was thin and sweaty in Yuta’s hold.

“Yes” Yuta confirmed, squeezing Taeyong’s hand back.

Thankfully, though, everything went smoothly. When Kai parked in front of the house, Taeyong’s mom immediately rushed outside to grab her son in a killer hug. Taeyong’s father did the same, and for a moment both parents just held the boy, completely oblivious to his protests.

With an absolutely adorable blush spreading on his face, Taeyong introduced Kai and Yuta to them, and they all walked inside. A small dog immediately rushed to Yuta, barking at his feet, and he petted her for a while, glad to have something to do while Taeyong’s sister, who was astonishingly pretty, just like her brother said, came to greet them as well. Her toddler, a two-years old or so, was crawling on a thick carpet, gargling happily by himself.

Yuta had been afraid not to fit in that tranquil household, but he found himself smiling spontaneously while they had dinner (which was delicious, of course) and Taeyong’s mom looked at Kai with heart eyes for the whole time.

He appreciated how anybody forced anything on Taeyong and seemed to deeply respect him, and how everybody, dog and kiddo included, looked absolutely fond of him.

Yuta was fond of him too, by the way.

Which was why, he felt like he shouldn’t be hiding anything to him anymore.

Even if there was a big, big chance that Taeyong could stop liking him after that.

Hiding the truth felt like lying to Yuta. And Taeyong, who opened his heart to him, let Yuta reach out for him when he was at his worst, didn’t deserve any of that bullshit.

“So… did you have fun?” Taeyong tentatively asked him, when they got back at the foster home and they were getting ready for bed. Taeyong’s mom prepared a cake for all the boys of The Nest, and it got pretty late while everybody feasted on it.

Yuta nodded. “Yes. Your family is awesome.”

“Aren’t you… sad, or whatever...”

Yuta shook his head. “No. I’m glad you insisted, to be honest. It felt refreshing being out of the foster home, for once.”

_I almost got a taste of happiness, for a while, and I am so grateful for that._

Taeyong tilted his head to the side. “Then why do I have this feeling that you aren’t at ease right now?”

Yuta sighed. There really wasn’t any nice way to tell Taeyong what he wanted to, so he decided to be straightforward.

“Taeyong, I haven’t been honest with you for this whole time.”

“What do you mean?”

Yuta looked at him. Taeyong already put the white tee and pants he used to sleep, while Yuta was still wearing the jeans and button-up shirt he had been wearing for their trip to impress Taeyong’s family.

“There’s something about myself that you don’t know… something really important.”

“What? What is it? You can tell me.”

_I could still stop. I could stop here, and everything would be fine. But for how long?_

No. Taeyong had to know. Taeyong didn’t have to hear his pathetic lies anymore.

“My family isn’t like yours. My family got destroyed, back in Japan.”

“What do you mean? Destroyed? How?”

Yuta’s tongue suddenly turned dry, and he couldn’t speak. Was there a quicker way? A less painful one to show Taeyong the truth?

Probably no.

So, Yuta started unbuttoning his pants.

“What are you doing?” Taeyong asked, alarmed. “Why are you...”

The breath that audibly hitched in his throat made Yuta’s heart falter, while his pants fell on the floor and gathered around his ankles.

“This” he whispered, “is what I do to myself after all that happened.”

Taeyong shook his head slowly, eyes big and filling up with tears. Yuta’s white thighs were marred with dozens of little scars, some of them faint and barely visible, some other red and still partially healing.

“T-this...” Taeyong started, then he covered his mouth with his fist and rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind his back.

Yuta was devastated.

He knew, he knew Taeyong would react like that. He shouldn’t have expect anything different. There was a reason why he never told anyone, not even Minseok, what he did to himself in secrecy.

It was so horrible, so shameful. Reliable older brother? The other boys would scream in horror if they saw him like that.

And what to do, now, if Taeyong would refuse being close to him from now on…?

Desperation, and confusion, grabbed him in their claws, but suddenly, the bathroom’s door opened, and Taeyong stepped towards him.

Their eyes met for a moment, and then Taeyong spoke.

“Sit.”

His voice was trembling slightly, but he was controlling himself. Or trying hard, at least.

Yuta mindlessly obeyed, then he noticed that Taeyong was holding something in his hands. Silently, the Korean boy placed the small first-aid kit on the floor and started taking care of Yuta’s most recent cuts, disinfecting them cautiously and plastering band-aids on them.

“You don’t need to do that” Yuta faintly protested, but Taeyong didn’t stop and continued his work.

When he was done, he gently laid his head on Yuta’s knee. “Thank you for telling me” he whispered, and Yuta felt like screaming.

_Oh God please forgive me. Taeyong, forgive me. Forgive me for burdening you with this shit, you are too good for his, please, please, please forgive me…_

“I’m really scared right now” Taeyong went on, his left had resting, warm and soft, on Yuta’s other knee, “and I feel guilty, because sometimes I got annoyed at you while you were probably in pain. For that, I’m sorry. But I am also glad, because I think this is a huge step forward for you and I hope this will help you feel a little bit better.”

_Better?_ Yuta thought, still out of his mind. How could any of that made him feel better, of all things? He just fucked up whatever relationship was starting to develop between Taeyong and him…

“I know how it feels.”

Yuta closed his eyes and suddenly felt every leftover bit of tension drain away from his body. He would have probably fall forward, if Taeyong wasn’t there to lean on.

“I know how it feels” Taeyong repeated, grabbing Yuta’s face between his warm hands. “Lonely, and miserable… and shameful. I know it so well.”

Yuta couldn’t believe it. Was it happening for real? Or was it another of his usual nightmares, maybe the cruelest one?

Understanding… could he really get something like that? Him? Nakamoto Yuta?

“Pain is less scary when you look right into its depths, sometimes. It will get better” Taeyong murmured, “it will get better, my sweet love.”

Yuta’s heart leaped, his eyes stung, and his vision suddenly blurred.

He couldn’t move, speak or do anything, but he just helplessly trembled, there, on the floor, half-naked and scarred, surrounded by Taeyong’s embrace.

For the first time, Yuta gave up his resistance, and let himself drown in all that love.


End file.
